Saturday, July 24, 2010

344
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A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast
and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course,
then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night.
I catch some much needed sleep
and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
“No...........I'm a rabbit in Arizona.”
thanks Gordon H
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Those Funny Animals
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Check this out
this will make you smile.

And I did smile all the while.

http://sanssouciblogs.multiply.com/video/item/93/This_will_make_your_week
thanks Duke
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Politically correct insults
A few clowns short of a circus
A few fries short of a happy meal
The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead
All foam and no beer
The butter has slipped off his pancake
The cheese slid off his cracker
Body by fisher-price brains by Mattel
Warning objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
He couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down
As smart as bait
Her sewing machine is out of thread
Her antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
Receiver is off the hook
Not wired to code
Skylight leaks a little
Her slinky is kinked
Too much yardage between the goal posts
Got a full six pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together
A photographic memory but the lens cap is still on
Gates are down the lights are flashing but the train isn’t coming
She is so dense light bends around her
If brains were taxed he’d get a rebate
Standing close to here you can hear the ocean
Some folks drink from the fountain of knowledge but he just gargled
thanks Don H
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Wonder if this bloke is still alive?
thanks Toni
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A blonde went to the market one day
to buy penny candy for her kids.
She selected an assortment of hard candy
and one of taffeys and asked the storekeeper,
"How much is it?"
"14 cents," answered the storekeeper, after quickly counting up the pieces
."14 cents! For what?" asked the blonde.
The storekeeper explained,
"The 7 pieces of hard candy cost 7 cents,
while the 14 taffeys, which are on special,
'Buy one, Get one Free'are another 7 cents.
So together it comes to 14 cents."
"I know different!" replied the blonde, indignantly.
"7 + 7 is 11."
"What?" said the storekeeper
."7 + 7 is 11!" replied the blonde emphatically
."How do you come to that?" asked the storekeeper"
I had 4 children by my first husband, before he died.
Then I married a second time, and my second husband also had 4 children,
from his first wife.
Then, after we were married, we had 3 children together."
"So, each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11 children.
So,obviously, 7 + 7 is 11."
The shopkeeper gave her the candy for 11 cents.
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A businessman tells his friend that his company
is looking for a new accountant
His friend asks,
“Didn’t your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies,
“That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”


thanks Duke



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Inexpensive way to see the world.

Each country that you click on...
you get a slide show of that country!


Italie
Hollande
Inde


thanks Liz Z
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There was an unexpected knock on my door
and like I always do, I first opened the peephole and asked,
"Who's there"?
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package"? I asked suspiciously.
The delivery man held it up.
"Could I see some ID"? I asked, still not convinced
."Lady," he replied wearily,
"if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these."
And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.


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Show me a brillant mind
and I'll show you a clutterd desk
William Buckley


Nat Hentoff


Albert Einstein

President of the United States



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Tic Tac music



thanks Josie J
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Doctors










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Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked,
"Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes
of your loved one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"
"Yes," she said, smirking.
"It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'family jewels.'"
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A man is waiting in line for a hit movie.
Behind him are two women.
The usher comes along and says that he has two seats together.
Seeing the problem, the usher says to the man
, "Let them go first.
You wouldn't want to separate a woman from her mother, would you?"
The man says,
"No, sir. I did that once,
and I've been sorry ever since."

stolen from Slavenka and Obi




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Little Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides
and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.
'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
'Little partner,' the firefighter said,
'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig,
but if you were to tie that rope
around the cat's collar,
I think you could go faster. '
The little girl replied thoughtfully,
'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

thanks Don H
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Blast from the Past





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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

thats all folks
but I leave you with some whipped cream




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All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.



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