347

----

from the movie "The Big Store"

--

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward,

put in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere.

A week later, another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc.

A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength to raise his hand

and point to himself and said: "Scottish"
The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said: "Irish"
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before

the first summoned up the strength to say: "Glasgow"
Again the second replied in a very frail voice: "Dublin"
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.

Days passed before the first man managed to again

point to himself and say: "Jimmy"
Replied the other: "Paddy"
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again

and rasp out weakly:
"Cancer"
Paddy responded: "Sagittarius"

thanks Toni

--------

-

There have been a lot of Sharks spotted at Bondi Beach recently

Australian Coastal watch (with sound)
Press on the link - have sound on.
SAFE
need to zoom in on it -

Amazing stuff and if you have sound you actually can hear the ocean.

click this link

..http://www.australiancoastalwatch.com.au/index.php/news/bnshark14432tx.a

thanks Gordon H

-------

---

Those Funny Animals

----------

RAWHIDE
[for Jim Fleming and his scottish mates]

----

Friedman's worried that he might be gay,

so he goes to a psychiatrist.

After a few sessions, the shrink says,

"I've got some good news and some bad news.

Which do you want first?"

Friedman says, "Give me the bad news first."

The psychiatrist says, "You definitely have homosexual tendencies."

Friedman says, "After that, what could be the good news?"

The psychiatrist says, "I think you're kinda cute."

-----

Blast from the Past

----

KIDS

----------------------

A blonde rider at the stables was trying to saddle a horse.

“Excuse me,” said the old hand,

“but you are putting that saddle on backwards.”

“How do you know,” snapped the blonde.

“You don’t know which way I’m going.”


thanks Duke

The poet had been droning on at the party about his various sources of inspiration.

“Yes, he told the young blonde.

“I’m at present collecting some of my better poems

to be published posthumously.”

“Lovely,” said the blonde “I’ll look forward to it.”

(Not so dumb?)

thanks Duke

------





--------
For the Golfers

thanks Toni for the toons


---

Perhaps one of the most common jobs for young people

as they work their way through college or try to pick up some extra money

while still in high school is to work at local supermarkets.

Most start out as baggers at the check-out counters,

but occasionally promotions and opportunities come along

and the chance for a little more money becomes important.

One young man had worked bagging groceries for a year

but never got a promotion.

He was fascinated by the work in the produce section of the market.

He was particularly taken with the way the store took fresh oranges

and made fresh orange juice for customers.

He could watch the process for hours,

and when the supermarket installed a new machine that squeezed juice

at five times the previous rate, he could barely hold back his enthusiasm.

Intrigued by this new, high-tech device,

the young man asked if he could leave his job at the checkout counter

putting groceries into bags and be allowed to work the new machine.

His request was denied.

"Why?" the boy asked. "I'd really like this promotion."

The store manager replied,

"Sorry son, but baggers can't be juicers."



---

A Chinese man goes to the doctor and says,

"Doc, you have to help me.

Lately, I have been feeling very Chinese.

I like rice, and my face looks Chinese,

and I even think in Mandarin! Can you help?"

The doctor says, "Well, hold on to my finger.

Now spin around seventeen times very fast."

The Chinese man does so and falls on the floor.

"Doctor," he says, "It didn't work. I still feel Chinese."

"True," says the doctor,

"But now you have been disoriented!"

----------------------

SOMETHING AUSSIE

for Madeleinne F
-------------------------

-----------------------------------




WOMEN

FINALLY!!

Here's the "women's rule book" men have been requesting for thousands of years!!


The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)

in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,

and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans

and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5)

(Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen,

displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)


-------------



PHILS PHILOSOPHY

[for my wife in case she reads the above]



------

I leave you with



--

DAISY A DAY

He remembers the first time he met her

He remembers the first thing she said

He remembers the first time he held her

And the night that she came to his bed

He remembers her sweet way of saying

,"Honey, has something gone wrong?"

He remembers the fun and the teasing

And the reason he wrote her this song

:"I'll give you a daisy a day, dear

I'll give you a daisy a day

I'll love you until the rivers run still

And the four winds we know blow away"

They would walk down the street in the evening

And for years I would see them go by

And their love that was more than the clothes that they wore

Could be seen in the gleam in their eyes

As a kid, they would take me for candy

And I'd love to go tagging along

We'd hold hands while we walked to the corner

And the old man would sing her his song

"I'll give you a daisy a day, dear

I'll give you a daisy a day

I'll love you until the rivers run still

And the four winds we know blow away"

Now he walks down the street in the evening

And he stops by the old candy store

And I somehow believe he's believing

He's holding her hand like before

For he feels all her love walking with him

And he smiles at the things she might say

Then the old man walks up to the hilltop

And he gives her a daisy a day

"I'll give you a daisy a day, dear

I'll give you a daisy a day

I'll love you until the rivers run still

And the four winds we know blow away"


------

Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.