354

----

Never say no to a Panda

---

A pastor was doing his children's sermon

with all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.

He was discussing the story of Jonah.

He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah;

and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Then Jonah prayed to the Lord, his God, from the belly of the fish,

saying 'I called to the Lord of my distress and He answered me.'...

and the Lord spoke to the fish,

and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land" (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10)

.When the pastor finished the quotation,

he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters

to help him complete his mini-sermon.

He asked thoughtfully,

"What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm

for the entire congregation to hear,

"It proves that even a fish can't stomach a bad preacher!"

-----

Baling Hay

--

Those Funny Animals

-------------------

How to drink like a Newfie



-------------

Creeping around to the bedroom window,

two private detectives finally caught their client's wife in bed with another man

."Just as I suspected," said the first.

"Let's go after him."

"Great idea," the other replied with lust in his eyes.

"How soon do think he'll be finished?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman walked into a convenience store

and asked the clerk if they sold extra-large condoms.

He replied, "Yes, we do. Would you like to buy some?"

"No," she said, "but do you mind if I wait here until someone does?"

stolen from Hale @ it occurred to me

----

CROWDS

-

are you glad you don't live in these neighbourhoods!!

-------------

Mr Cocktail

thanks Liz Z
------------------

I never knew this before, and now that I know it,

I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends

in the hope that they, too, will feel edified.

Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415,

the French, anticipating victory over the English,

proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible

to draw the renowned English longbow

and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree,

and the act of drawing the longbow was known

as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French,

the English won a major upset and began mocking the French

by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,

saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say,

the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning

has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F',

and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows

used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

thanks Duke

---





SOMETHING AUSSIE

a very nervous James Blundell in his first TV appearance



------------------

DARWIN AWARDS 2010

HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m.

So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen.

Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends

when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped

from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.

The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped

along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge

they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope.

Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered

and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby.

They secured one end around Bingham’s leg

and then tied the other (!) to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened

and tore his foot off at the ankle.

He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and

was rescued by two nearby fishermen.

Bingham’s foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS…

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany )

fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative

and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes

before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46,

was attempting to give the ailing elephant an

olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation

knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head

on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate

200 pounds of dung on top of him

.It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves

…. ’shit happens’

-------------------

When Yves Montand married Carmen Miranda,

the wedding ceremony combined many of the traditions of both of their heritages.

Carmen's hair was worn up and held in place by beautiful, ornamental combs.

After the vows, Carmen pulled out the combs, let her hair down,

and combed it out as an act of submission,

thereby concluding the ceremony and becoming his wife.

Or, as the related tradition says,

"She'll be Carmen Miranda Montand when she combs."


-

------------------------

thanks Liz and Allan
----------------

thanks Liz Z

---------------------


Blast from the Past





------------------------

It would have been Conway Twitty's birthday today

-------------------

its time to think pink again

They Might Be Giants - Istanbul (Tiny Toons)
Uploaded by elmickeyman. - Watch feature films and entire TV shows.

-----------

The woman entered the room,

and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips,

she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned,

having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely gray eyes on hers,

he moved slowly toward her,

his experienced gaze measuring her,

hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.
He sank to his knees before her and without a word,

smoothly released her from her constraining attire.

With a sigh of surrender,

she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.

He expertly guided her through this tender,

new territory,

boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of,

his movements deliberate,

confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.
Her senses swam.

She was overcome with an aching desire

that had gone unfulfilled for so long.
And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp,

he paused,

and for one heart-stopping moment,

she thought, “It’s too big! – it will never fit!”

Then, with a sudden rush,

it slid into place as if it had been made only for her.

As pleasure and contentment washed over her,

she met his steady gaze,

tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.

And he knew it wouldn’t be long before she returned.

Oh, yes, this woman would want more.

She would want to do it again and again and again…………
DON’T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES


----------------





PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

--

Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.