368

--

Blast from the Past

-------------------------------

Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.

Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"

"Please don't ask."

"I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."

"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."

"That's not possible."

"No, he did."

"How is that humanly possible?"

"EASY! He punctured all my condoms!"

--------------------------------

thanks Ian W

---------------------------

Those FunnyAnimals

-------------------------

When Will I Die?
Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology

and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.

"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.

"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.

"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".

-------------------------------

"Down Memory Lane"

RIP Mr C


----------

-----------------------

THE GINGHAM DRESS

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband,

dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston ,

and walked timidly without an appointment in to the

Harvard University President's outer office.

The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods,

country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably

didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge

'We'd like to see the president,' the man said softly.

'He'll be busy all day,' the secretary snapped.

'We'll wait,' the lady replied.

For hours the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple

would finally become discouraged and go a way.

They didn't, and the secretary grew frustrated

and finally decided to disturb the president,

even though it was a chore she always regretted.

'Maybe if you see them for a few minutes, they'll leave,' she said to him!

He sighed in exasperation and nodded.

Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them,

and he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office.

The president, stern faced and with dignity, strutted toward the couple.

The lady told him, 'We had a son who attended Harvard for one year.

He loved Harvard. He was happy here.

But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed.

My husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus.'

The president wasn't touched. He was shocked.

'Madam,' he said, gruffly,

'we can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died.

If we did, this place would look like a cemetery.'

'Oh, no,' the lady explained quickly.

'We don't want to erect a statue.

We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard.'

The president rolled his eyes.

He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, then exclaimed,

'A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs?

We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical buildings here at Harvard.'

For a moment the lady was silent.

The president was pleased.

Maybe he could get rid of them now.

The lady turned to her husband and said quietly,

'Is that all it costs to start a university? Why don't we just start our own?'

Her husband nodded.

The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment.

Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford got up and walked away,

traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established

the university that bears their name, Stanford University,

a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

You can easily judge the character of others by how they

treat those who they think can do nothing for them.

..............................

A TRUE STORY By Malcolm Forbes

------------------

Seniors

Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She said "are you nuts?

You're 72 years old and you're going to start jumping out of air planes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card

She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do!

I signed up for five jumps a week!

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier…


-----------------



SOMETHING AUSSIE

for all those Slim Dusty Fans out there




-----------------------------

Jake Styles had just bought a farmhouse in the country, barn and all.

"Great!" he thought "now I can get that horse I have always wanted!"

So he goes down the road to Farmer Ben's house,

and tells him he wants to buy a horse.

"Well, I only have one mare right now, and she's kind of flighty."

"I don't care!" Jake says. "I think she's beautiful!"

Jake buys the horse, brings her home and sets her up in a newly-cleaned stall.

The next morning, Jake wakes to find that she has broken out and run off.

After many hours of searching, he finds her and leads her home.

Thinking maybe she didn't like her stall,

he cleans out a different one (the barn had four), and leads her in

-- this time making sure to bolt the door.

The next morning, Jake wakes to find that the mare has broken out and run off.

After many hours of searching, he finds her, and brings her home,

again trying a different stall (the barn had four).

The next morning Jake wakes to find that the mare had again broken out and run off.

After many hours of searching, he finds her and brings her home,

this time tying her to the last stall (the barn had four).

When he woke the next morning, the mare had chewed the rope,

broken out and run off.

He called Farmer Ben, furious at the horses behavior.

"I don't understand it! I keep her stall clean, locked, full of food,

nothing I do keeps her from running off!"

"I tried to tell you," Farmer Ben said,

"She just can't seem to form a stable relationship!"

---------------------------

I have posted this video before

but its worth a re-run

------------------



some more cool doormats

thanks Liz Z

--------------------

Job Applicant

"I'm looking for a job as a consultant."

Employer "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."

Applicant "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."

Employer "More than we can use already."

Applicant (as he is getting desperate)

, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk.

If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

Employer "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings

for a person with your qualifications."

Applicant (as he stands up and angrily yells),

"To work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"

Employer "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat.

We may just have an opening."

---------------------------

--------------------------

MEN

-------------------

"Has there been any insanity in your family?".

"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."


--------

------------------

Joyce: Jimmy babe, now that we are engaged,

I think we should start calling each other pet names.

James : (uninterested) alright babe.

So what do you wanna call me?

Joyce: I think I will call you tiger

James : Why tiger babe?

Joyce: (sexy tone) because youre charming, handsome, smart and calculating.

And you Jimmy babe, what do you wanna call me?

James (still uninterested): I think I will call you zebra

Joyce : (smiling and kissing his cheek) ooh that's sweet, why would you call me that?

James: because of your stretch-marks!!!!!!!!

PS: James funeral is tomorrow.

thanks Liz and Allan
==

Some facts about Men
QWhat is the difference between men and puppies?

A: Puppies grow up.
Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?

A: Because they are…
Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?

A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one wouldHit the ground first?

A: Who cares?????…..
Q: What did God say after he created man?

A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?

A: I don't know, I've never seen either.
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?

A: I) no mind ii) no business

thanks Josie J


----------------------------



PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this

-----

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.