373

No Duct Tape

enjoy David T

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I saw a Democrat fall in the Rio Grand River this morning at 8 AM

.Being a responsible citizen,

I immediately informed emergency services.

It's now 4 PM and they still haven't responded.

I'm beginning to think that I wasted a stamp!

****************

Einstein dies and goes to heaven
Einstein dies and goes to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,?

You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths tha

t some people will go tosneak into Heaven.

Can you prove who you really are??

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks,

Could I have a blackboard and some chalk??

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics

and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. ?You really ARE Einstein!? he says. ?

Welcometo heaven!?

The next to arrive is Picasso.

Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Picasso asks, ?Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk??

Saint Peter says, ?Go ahead.?

Picasso erases Einstein`s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural

with just a few strokes f chalk

Saint Peter claps. ?

Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!? he says. ?Come on in!?

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush.

Saint Peter scratches his head andsays, ?

Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity.

How can you prove yours??

George W. looks bewildered and says, ?

Who are Einstein and Picasso??

Saint Peter sighs and says, ?

Come on in, George.?

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'>





thanks Don H


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Those Funny Animals

**********************

the British undergoing cuts to their defense budget

and sharing the navy with the French

sorry to bother you, m'sieu, but if you're not using it can the British Navy borrow the aircraft carrier tonight.


*****************

***************************



During the summers in the early 1940's, my Uncle Harry,

a young man working his way through college,

was working as an ice man and drove an ice truck up

and down the streets and alleys on the north side Chicago looking

for the "ice cards" hung on the screen doors and windows of the residents

who wished to purchase ice for their ice boxes.

The cards usually had 3 settings;

25 lb., 50 lb. and 100 lb.

It was a poor time, the country just coming out of the depression

and facing the start of WW II.

There were two spinster sisters that lived alone on the second floor

of a frame wooden house on our block and they sometimes

would display their ice card in the window for 25 lb.

My uncle knew they could never scrape together the money to pay their bill,

but he always stopped and took all the broken ice pieces off his truck

and carried it up to their place and packed it in their small wooden ice box.

One day, towards the end of summer, after he had packed their box,

one of the sisters -- the younger one, stepped out on the back porch

and asked to speak to him.

She seemed a bit shy and seemed flushed in embarrassment.

"Young man my sister and I know you have helped us this summer

with the ice, even when knowing we could not pay.

We've read in books recently that sometimes women offer their bodies

for sex in exchange for favors.

Well since we have not been able to raise any money,

we decided to do that for you;

and since I am the youngest, I am offering myself."

Well my uncle always claimed that he tried to convince

her that it wasn't necessary, but knowing him, that's highly doubtful,

but he said after she insisted, he finally gave in and said, "Okay,"

and then they supposedly went at it with youthful fervor.

Afterwards, he thanked the woman and dressed, took out his receipt book

and wrote "PAID IN FULL" and handed it to the sister.

The women looked at the bill for only a second and blurted out,

"Now, look here, young man,

we got that ice a little piece at a time

and we damn well intend paying for it the same way!"



*****************


SOMETHING AUSSIE

from 1968

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oops!!

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*****************

Hardware stores allaround are now selling these specially built recliners for council workers

thanks Liz and Alan


***************

thanks Duke

****

****************

You should watch this

BECAUSE ITS IMPORTANT

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**************

An old man was sitting with his 25 year old son in the train.

The train was about to leave the station.

All passengers are settling down in their seat.

As the train started, the young man was filled with lots of joy and curiosity.

He was sitting on the window side.

He put out one hand and feeling the passing air, he shouted,

"Papa see all the trees are going behind."

The old man smiled and admired his sons’ feelings.

Beside the young man was one couple,

sitting and listening to all the conversation between father and son.

They were little awkward with the attitude of the twenty-five-year-old

behaving like a small child.

Suddenly the young man again shouted,

"Papa see the pond and animals. Clouds are moving with the train."

The couple was watching the young man embarrassingly.

Now it started raining and some of the water drops touched the young man's hand.

He was filled with joy and he closed his eyes.

He shouted again, "Papa it's raining!

The water is touching me, see papa?"

The couple couldn't help themselves and asked the old man.

"Why don't you visit the doctor and get treatment for your son?"

The old man said,

”Yes, We are coming from the hospital today;

my son got his eyesight for first time in his life."


****************


CHEERS

The last time I played beer pong was in WI in July 2009
G'day Dustin C

******************

When the newly ordained minister got married

a day after graduating theological school,

his bride joked that the officiating minister was kinda like the Lord as described in the Bible. "How's that?" asked an attendee.

Replied the bride,

"He maketh me to lie down with green pastors."


***********

********************

Blast from the Past





**************

Two Englishmen walking through the woods with a large Salmon

under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal

."Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?"

"Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen,

"but we poached them out of the river."

"How did you do that?" asked Donal

"Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs

and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream,

he just catches them."

"We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal

They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over

the edge of the bridge by his legs,

after about twenty minutes Michael screams..

."Quick pull me up, pull me up!"

"Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal

,"No," replies Michael

"but there's a train coming."


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******************

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Kevin: "My wife and I argue a lot.

She's very touchy,

the least little thing sets her off."
Christopher: "You're lucky.

Mine is a self-starter."

***********

Willie: "Are you visiting us tomorrow?

Do you need directions?"

Friend: "I'm all set. I have the address,

a GPS and a GPS override."

Willie: "What is a GPS override?"

Friend: "A wife."

***********

************

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

but I leave you with this