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Some images from the Queensland Floods

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On a lighter note

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Parallel Lines
The film must be no more than three minutes long-

It must be as cinematic as possible-

It must feature the following dialogue

and no other lines

'What is that?',

'It's a unicorn',

'Never seen one up close before',

'Beautiful',
'Get away, get away'

'I'm Sorry.'





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Paddy goes to the patent office, having invented a new mousetrap.

It consists of a ramp with a razor blade at the top, set at right angles.

Below the drop is a piece of cheese.
Patent officer: "How does it work then?"
Paddy: "Quite straightforward, really.

The mouse walks up the ramp.

When he leans over to get the cheese his neck goes onto the razor blade

and it slits his throat.”
Patent officer: "Are you nuts?

There wouldn't be nearly enough pressure to slit its throat.

Get out of my office and don't come back until you've perfected it.”
After months of head scratching Paddy makes a single

but vital modification:

he removes the cheese.

He proudly returns to the patent office

and puts the trap on the desk.
Patent officer: "OK, smart guy, enlighten me".
Paddy: "Simple. Mouse walks up the ramp,

leans over onto the razor blade and slits his throat..."
Patent officer: "Sod off, that's exactly the same as before."
Paddy: "No, no! This time he moves his head from side to side saying,

‘So where's the fookin' cheese?’"

-
stolen from Skips House of Chaos




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Those funny Animals

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Blast from the Past



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A pastor was doing his children's sermon with all the youngsters

down front to hear the lesson.

He was discussing the story of Jonah.

He quoted the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2.

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah;

and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

Then Jonah prayed to the Lord,

his God, from the belly of the fish,

saying 'I called to the Lord of my distress and He answered me.'...

and the Lord spoke to the fish,

and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land." (Jonah 1:17; 2:2, 10).

When the pastor finished the quotation,

he started trying to solicit input from the youngsters

to help him complete his mini-sermon.

He asked, thoughtfully,

"What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?"

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm

for the entire congregation to hear.

"It proves that even a FISH can't stomach a bad preacher!"


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Seniors



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Some Quickies
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43,

who was looking for some hot action!

So I sent her my ironing.

That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack

wasn’t what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex,

Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”.

Mick said,

“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.

If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.


I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest, I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad

that he had a part in the school play

and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says,

“Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.

That’s a lot.

Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month:

time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate;

when I said white they gave me a lecture

on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.

I think they were Hovis Witnesses.

Today, a Muslim was shot in the head with a starting pistol.
Police reckon it's race related

thanks Gordon H for the above quickies

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Trunk Monkeys




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A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket

and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him

that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager,

"Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,

so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half!"

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here.

Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"
The boy replied,

"No kidding??? Who did she play for?"

-
stolen from Skips House of Chaos
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Doctors

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BONUS



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"Darling," she whispered after they had finished making love,

"Will you still make love like that to me after we're married?"

He considered this for a moment, and then replied,

"I think so. I've always been especially fond of married women."

---

--

A motorcycle patrolman was pursuing a truck along a Pacific Coast Highway,

when the truck suddenly braked abruptly to make a turn.

The patrolman slammed into the truck's tailgate,

and was seriously injured,

rapidly losing blood which was spurting from a severed artery in his right leg.

A motorist who saw the accident,

stopped and rushed to the wreckage.

He saw the patrolman, pulled off his necktie,

and quickly made a tourniquet, slowing and then stopping the bleeding.

A paramedic who arrived a few minutes later said that the driver's rapid response

using his tie for a tourniquet had certainly saved the patrolman's life.

Now fast forward to five years later.

The same motorist who saved the patrolman's life,

while driving in the same area, lost control of his car,

went over a cliff and crashed into a tree.

His right leg was severely smashed and cut,

and the blood was flowing profusely.

The same patrolman who was injured in the previous accident,

and now in a patrol car, arrived at the scene,

applied a tourniquet that stemmed the flow until the paramedics arrived,

saving the motorist's life.

As the paramedics removed the injured motorist from the car,

the patrolman got a better look at the victim

and realized that this was the very same motorist

who had saved him five years before.

While being interviewed by a television reporter

whose truck at arrived at the accident scene,

the patrolman said,

"It all goes to prove that one good tourniquet deserves another.

-- Stan Kegel

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George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy,

and the father replies: "Euro."

The man behind the counter says that such a name is not acceptable,

because it's a unit of currency.

George replied,

"What? There weren't any objections when I called

my first two sons Mark and Frank."

-

Punny Video





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A KGB officer is walking in the park

and he sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

The KGB says "What are you reading old man?"

The old man says "I am trying to teach myself Hebrew."

The KGB officer says, "Why are you trying to learn Hebrew?

It takes years to get a visa for Israel.

You would die before the paperwork got done."

"I am learning Hebrew so that when I die and go to Heaven,

I will be able to speak to Abraham and Moses.

Hebrew is the language they speak in Heaven." the old man replies

"But what if when you die, you go to Hell?" asks the KGB.

The old man replies to that question,

"Russian, I already know."


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thanks Liz Z

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Warning.......Naughty joke

Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar

with a great big smile on his face.

Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya..

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat,

and a redhead came up to me..

Tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here!

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'?

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key and I said

' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar

with a even bigger smile on his face.

Bob says, 'What are you happy about today Mike?'

'Well Bob... I gotta tell ya...

Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat

and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me..

.tits out to here, Bob. Tits out to here!

She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'

So I took her way out, Bob. Way out much further than the last one.

I turned off the key and I said, It's either screw or swim!'

She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't swim!'

A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar

and sees Mike cryin over a beer.

Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'

'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya ....

. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat,

and the most desirable brunette came up to me..

.tits WAY out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here.

She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.

So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out...

Much further than the last two

I turned off the key, and looked at her tits

and said It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and .....
She had a pecker, BOB!

She had this great BIG pecker!..

And I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Dear God,
All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body.
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.

Amen.

but I leave you with this

[for Celeste]

--
if you want to see Israel sing this song "live"

click this link


OFFICIAL Somewhere over the Rainbow - Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole



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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

Deer Feeder
thanks LizZ