398

--

Searching in the mall for a comfy cotton nightgown,

Anna decided to try her luck in a shop renowned for its sexy lingerie,

without much hope of finding something suitable.

However, to her delight, she found the perfect nightdress.

Moreover, while waiting in line to purchase her selection,

she noticed a young woman behind her holding the exact same nightie.

This proved what she had long suspected: despite being in her forties,

she had kept up more than adequately with current fashions.

"I see we have the same taste," she said,

somewhat proudly, to the teenager behind her.

"Yes," the young woman replied.

"I'm getting this for my grandma."

-

-

---------------

---------

-----

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School

were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them,

"In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animals body."

For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet,

stuck his finger in the butt of the cow,

withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes,

but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow

and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said,

"the second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention."


--------

Those funny Animals

------------

thanks Duke
--------

A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put in a bed,

tubes coming out everywhere.

A week later another man was admitted, in a similar condition.

Both lay there, machines pinging, tubes poking, etc.

A couple more weeks before one of them had the strength

to raise his hand and point to himself and said:

"Scottish."

The other signaled he had heard, raised his own hand, and said,

"Irish."

This act tired them out so badly it was a week before

the first summoned up the strength to say,

"Glasgow."

The second replied in a very frail voice,

"Dublin."

Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they passed out.

Days passed by before the first man managed

to again point to himself and say,

"Jimmy."

Replied the other

, "Paddy."

A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point

to himself again and rasp out weakly:

"Cancer."

Paddy responded:

"Sagittarius."

-----

---

Nursery Rhymes Fun

---

Blast from the Past





---

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today,

and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace

is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished.

I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot,

a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum,

a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins,

the res of the chesescke an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now.

Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss.
An telum,u blody luvum !!!!

thanks David J



----

Two cadets at an Arizona Air Force academy were bragging

in their off time about what good hunters they were.

Well, it seems that they decided to have a contest,

and whoever won the contest would be accounted the better hunter.

To make the things a little more interesting,

they each put up a pint of the best whiskey they could find.

There had been rumors that a lion had escaped the local zoo

and was roaming around loose in the desert that surrounded the academy.

The contest was that whoever bagged the lion

and brought it back to base was the winner.

The first cadet borrowed a large hunting rifle

and set about hunting down the lion in the conventional manner.

The second cadet, who was perhaps a bit more inventive than his counterpart,

secured a training jet from the local commander,

loaded the wing guns with live ammunition

and headed out over the dessert in search of the lion.

It wasn't long before he spotted it,

and, from the safety of the plane, killed it.

He took the plane down, loaded the lion's body into the copilot's seat

and headed back to base, where he promptly downed both bottles.

Which just goes to show that a

strafed lion is the shortest distance between two pints.

Bill Brabant

-----



SOMETHING AUSSIE

----

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning

after a night at the local pub.

He made such a racket hitting into the furniture

as he weaved his way through the house,

that he woke up the missus.

"What on earth are you doing down there?"

she yelled down from the bedroom

. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't waken the neighbors."

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinnes up the stairs" he shouted

."Leave it 'till the morning" she shouted down

"I can't" he said

"I've drank it!"


---------------------




More people from Walmart

thanks Duke and Geoff C

---

EMBED-Monkey Bars 360 Fail - Watch more free videos


A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

'Olympic condoms?', she blurts,

'What makes them so special?'

'There are three colors', he replies,

'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'

'What color are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks cheekily.

'Gold of course', says the man proudly.

The wife responds, 'really, why don't you wear Silver:

it would be nice if you came second for a change!’


---

COPS

--

Military Talk

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly

is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"

they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it,

and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand,

would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.


----

-----

but I leave you with this

stolen from Kitty L


----



Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

397

####

Blast from the Past

Today I share with you my two favourite songs

from Roy Orbisons last album "Mystery Girl"

---

Windsurfer

Windsurfer

All he wanted was to ride out on the wind

Windsurfer

To be one of the guys

and to look good in her eyes

He practiced in his dreams

Trying to coast the waves

Most of the time he sailed alone

Endless summer days

Flying in the sun

Hed ride and wait for the wind

To take him home

-

Windsurfer

Windsurfer

Windsurfer

Windsurfer

-

He said lets sail away together

She told him no no never no

Wind windsurfer

It was early one morning

On a lonely beach

He left a message and

He wrote it in the sand

Why do we always go

forSomething out of reach?

Nobody ever really understands

Windsurfer

All he wanted to do

Was outrun the sun

Windsurfer

To take her in his arms

When the lonely day was done

Windsurfer

#######

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note

from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball.

I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome,

unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.

They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM

prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation.

They should be excellent dancers,

as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.

One last point: No Jews please."

Sending a written message by his own yeoman,

the captain replied:

Madam, thank you for your invitation.

In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation,

I am sending four of my best and most prized officers.

One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis

with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design.
The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots,

and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago,

with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering.

His Masters Degree and PhD. In Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering

are from Texas Tech University

and he is also an astronaut candidate.
The third officer is also a lieutenant,

with degrees in both computer systems and information technology

from SMU and he is awaiting notification

on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.
Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander,

is our ships doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia

and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina.

We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda.

Upon receiving this letter,

Melindas mother was quite excited

and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure.

Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer

(and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday,

Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find,

in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,

"There must be some mistake."

"No, Madam," said the first officer.

"Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes."

thanks Kitty L

##

--

Those funny Animals

###

---

Lets go for awalk

thanks Liz Z

#####

-

The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid,
anIrish lass, straight out of the country.
The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room
where the Master ofthe house sat reading.
On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl containing
a couple of small round white balls.
She, being curious and not bashful, asked,
"What are these?"
He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered,
"Golf balls."
She said, "OH!", and went on dusting.
A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room,
where the master was again reading.
Again, in the same bowl were small white balls,
only now there were four.
She said,
"I see you shot another Golf."

#######

Weight Issues

thanks Esther

#######




####

A blonde who had recently learned to drive was heading through town

and suddenly stopped dead and wouldn't move.
After several minutes, a nearby police officer having observed

this strange activity turned his lights on and pulled up behind her.

He got out of his car and calmly walked up to tap her window

and waited for her to role it down.
The woman seemed very distressed and the officer asked what was wrong.
She told him she didn't know what to do.

She was going to be late but she had studied very hard

for her driver's test the previous week

and knew she had to obey all road signs,

so she couldn't go.
The officer stood up and looked over her car.

Seeing no stop or construction signs he felt slightly confused

and told her he saw no sign stopping her from continuing.

She became more upset and pointed out the right side of her car

telling the cop it was right there.
He looked again and almost laughed as he finally read:

"Do Not Pass".

------

Beth, the blonde was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson.

As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said,

"Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people

behind you know what you're doing."

Beth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced,

"I'm going left."

thanks Toni


#######


Snowmen

########


SOMETHING AUSSIE




--

Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before

and was visiting Bondi Beach , Australia .

He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie,

who was sitting close by,

"What are all those little black things out there?"

"They're buoys," said the Aussie

"Boys?!! ..." replied Van der Merwe.

"What are they doing out there?"

"Holding up the shark nets," the Aussie told him.

"F@*#en great country this!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed.
"We'd never get away with that at home!”


##########

A RECENT LECTURE ON POTENTIAL PROBLEMS

AND MILITARY STRATEGY IN RUSSIA

The commanding officer at the Russian military academy

(the equivalent of a 4-star general in the U.S.)

gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy.

At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.

An officer stood up and asked,

"Will there be a third world war? And will Russia take part in it?"

The general answered both questions in the affirmative.

Another officer asked, "Who will be the enemy?"

The general replied, "All indications point to China."

Everyone in the audience was shocked.

A third officer remarked,

"General, we a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese.

Can we win at all, or even survive?"

The general answered

, "Just think about this for a moment:

In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters

but the quality of an army's capabilities.

For example, in the Middle East we have had a few wars recently

where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs,

and Israel was always victorious."

After a small pause, yet another officer -

from the back of the auditorium asked,

"Do we have enough Jews???"


#######

>

Some funny signs

thanks Toni for some of the above



#######



Meanwhile in Wisconsin

#########

#######

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...

They've told the public not to panic

as they've managed to push it inside.

####

OK Girls.... the secret is out

thanks Duke

#########

"PHILS PHILOSOPHY"

but I leave you this

stolen from Kitty L

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.