Thursday, March 10, 2011


401
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thanks Gordon H
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A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill
arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned,
they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
“I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed..
“Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City ,
the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway,
and even a cruise to the Caribbean …”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill.
“You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So, tell me,” says the twenty,
“where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one dollar bill replies,
“Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church …
”The twenty-dollar bill interrupts,
“What’s a church?”
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thanks Toni
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thanks Liz Z
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Who Does The Land of Israel Belong To? . . . huh?
An Israeli Sense of Humor at UN set the record straight.
An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently
in the United Nation Assembly and made the world community smile.
A representative from Israel began:
'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses:
When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought,
'What a good opportunity to have a bath!'
Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock
and entered the water.
When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished.
A Palestinian had stolen them!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted,
'What are you talking about?
The Palestinians weren't there then.'
The Israeli representative smiled and said . . .
'And now that we have made that clear,
I will begin my speech!'
thanks Liz Z
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thanks Liz Z

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thanks Kitty L


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Those funny Animals













thanks Toni
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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Don,
and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.
It's length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle,
but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part,
she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said.
"I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady,
I promise that won't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Don replied.
She ran out of the room.

thanks Kitty L
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Meanwhile in





















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Today's Music




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A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist,
confiding that she found it increasingly difficult
to find a man who could satisfy her,
and that it was very wearisome getting in
and out of all these short term relationships.
“Isn’t there some way to judge the size of a man’s equipment
from the outside?” she asked earnestly.
“The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet,” counselled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets,
until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line
with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on.
She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him,
and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning,
the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill
and a note that read,
“With my compliments.
Take this money
and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you.”


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MEDICAL

thanks Kitty L












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thanks Pommy Jayne
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You WILL laugh when you find your role model.
NO CHEATING.
I was really surprised to find out who my role model was.
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL
AND IDOL
. DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET,
DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW,
THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND YOUR HERO.
It's CRAZY how accurate this is!
No peeking!
1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9
2) Multiply by 3 then
3) Add 3
4) Then again Multiply by 3
(I'll wait while you get the calculator.....)
5) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number....
.6) Add the digits together
Now Scroll down
..................
With that number,
see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:
1. Einstein
2. Oprah Winfrey
3. Snoopy
4. Bill Clinton
5. Bill Gates
6. Gandhi
7. Ronald Reagan
8. Babe Ruth
9. Phils Phun

I just have that effect on people.
One day, you too can be like me
.P.S. Stop picking different numbers!!
I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!

thanks Kitty L



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY


Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity,
they can train people to stand at the edge of a pool and throw fish.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men till they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they're sexy.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You don't need a parachute to skydive, but you do need one to skydive again.
The voices in my head may be fake, but they have good ideas!
Hospitality is making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
I scream the same way whether I'm about to be eaten by a shark
or seaweed touches my foot.
Some cause happiness wherever they go,
others whenever they go.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.


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Pommy Jayne sent me this
Oh! the memories




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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.


at

1 comment:

  1. SandeeMarch 10, 2011 at 11:34 PM

    I stole the shoes one. Bwahahahahaha. Figures.

    Have a terrific day Phil. :)

    ReplyDelete