413

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President Obama and the Canadian PM are shown a time machine

 which can see 50 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

President Obama goes first:

“What will the USA be like in 50 years’ time?”

The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:

 “The country is in good hands under the new president, José Fernandez….

 crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy.

 Vice President Jin Tao has declared Chinese language mandatory in all US schools

 There are no worries.”

The Canadian PM thinks,

“It’s not bad, this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks:

 “What will Canada be like in 50 years’ time?”

The machine whirls and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

 But he just stares at it.

“Come on, David,” says Obama, “Tell us what it says.”

“I can’t! It is all in Punjabi!”

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The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something,

 then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

 "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit

and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said,

 "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

 The teacher held her breath

... Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom

and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,

 "What in the world were you selling" ?

 “Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

 "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

 "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap.

 Wanna buy a toothbrush?

 I used the government method of giving you something shitty,

 but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart. .

thanks Duke

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Those Funny Animals

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Flying Car

thanks Liz Z

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Owl Story

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Paddy is on a bus,

 when a young woman sat opposite to him,

starts to breast feed her baby.

 "Come on, eat up,

or I'll give it to that man over there,"

 she says to the baby.

10 minutes later,

 she is still trying to feed the baby and says,

 "Come on, or mummy will give it to that man over there."

Paddy looks over to the woman and says,

 "For heaven's sake missus,

 will you make your mind up.

I should've got off this bus 3 stops ago!"

 thanks Gordon H

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Today's Music

Ronnie Milsap

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SENIORS

thanks Gordon H

thanks Kitty L

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Retirement Cheque

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The woman taking my order at a fast-food restaurant was about twenty-five.

 She was attractive and had a bubbly personality and a warm smile.

 Even though I'm forty-five, I felt there was "chemistry" between us.

 Before I walked away from the counter to sit down,

we made eye contact and again exchanged smiles.

Eating my burger, I glanced at my receipt.

 It turned out she had given me the senior-citizen discount.

Hitchiking after 60

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thanks Kitty L

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HOW OLD ARE YOU?

How old am I?

Well, let me explain it this way…

I’m old enough to feel an occasional twist of muscle…

but young enough to tap my toes at the first sound of music.

I’m old enough to accept life’s twists and turns…

but young enough to challenge apathy or defeat.

I’m old enough to cherish memories…

yet young enough to promote new experiences.

I’m old enough to value tradition…

yet young enough to sponsor change.

I’m old enough to savor quiet hours…

yet young enough to seek laughter and joy.

I’m old enough to have a few regrets…

but young enough to use them as stepping stones toward progress.

I’m old enough to respect the accomplishment of science…

yet young enough to accept the simplicity of G-d.

Now let me ask you the same question…

How old are you?

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thanks Toni

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Dad has still got it ...very funny video

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual

park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his

morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and

asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day..

It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... Don't you think by

the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows

about this Italian bread thing but me."

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Picture of the Day

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Western Australia

A remote beach near Esperance

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.