420
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Planking
thanks Glynis G
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The recession has hit everybody really hard:
My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
The bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,"
and you call them to ask if they meant you or them.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so the Church re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
When Bill and Hillary travel together they now share a room.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal.
Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated
by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
thanks Kitty L
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Employee:: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know,
I have been an employee of this
prestigious firm for over ten years.
Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to
talk to you first
.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise,
but this is just now is not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic
down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness
and loyalty to this company for over a decade
.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want
to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise
and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the
Mortgage Company!
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Come fly with me
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Sandal
A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such,
when they passed a small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say,
"You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."
So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them,
"I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.
They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man had claimed,
but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was.
The husband asked the man,
"How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied,
"Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?"
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife,
finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet,
he got this wild look in his eyes;
something his wife hadn't seen in many years
- raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye,
the husband rushed the Pakistani man,
threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.
All the time the Pakistani man was screaming,
"YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!
YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
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THOSE FUNNY ANIMALS
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thanks Kitty L
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thanks Kitty L
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Proof that you can never underestimate
the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:
At a high school in Wyoming. a group of boy
students played a prank..........
They let three calves loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted
numbers on the sides of the calves: 1, 2 and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day
looking for No. 3.
Now that's funny, I don't care who you are....
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How to roll a Mercedes
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Some Blokes have all the luck
thanks Jayne M
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Todays Music
Emmy Lou Harris
The Last Waltz Evangeline
unable to embed this great song but you can watch it on this link
unable to embed this great song but you can watch it on this link
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It seems this hungry shark visited a seaside restaurant.
Of course a seaside restaurant for a shark is for shore a different thing than it is for humans.
People go to the shore to eat seafood.
Sharks go to the shore so they can see food they eat.
This particular beach was inhabited only by a herd of cows
who came to graze on the nutritious seaweed growing in the shallows along the shoreline.
In this shallow water also lived many large shrimp.
The bloated carcass of the late Charlie the Tuna had also floated ashore
and was rocking back & forth on a sand & salad bar.
Well the shark took a good long look at this meager menu and then called for the wader.
“Wader, are these the only three things you have to eat here today?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so, sir,”
The wader apologized,
“In fact these are the only three items that are ever on our menu.
You sea, our motto here is ‘It’s always Starkist, beef or the prawn.
stolen from Archies Archives
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thanks Toni for the pun pictures
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You and the Boss
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Something to offend just about everyone
I'm living next door to a Lebanese couple at the moment.
They have three little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,
so I'm just writing to you while I wait for the kettle to boil....
I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is, "good morning you ugly prick?"
It's not yours is it?
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations
. Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.
I failed my biology exam today.
I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Mexicans and blacks is not the correct answer.
thanks Jayne M
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VW Test Drive
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"Latest Book release"
How to understand Women
[1st edition]
thanks Shelagh N
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Send this to your accountant...........
Q. What is the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion?
A. Jail.
Q. What's the definition of an accountant?
A. Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Q. What's the definition of a good tax accountant?
A. Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q. When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A. When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Q. What's an extroverted accountant?
A. One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
Q. What's an auditor?
A. Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
Q. What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?
A. Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
Q. How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A. Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
Q. What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A. Depreciation.
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thanks Jayne M
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Is it OK to own a Canadian?
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PHILS PHILOSOPHY
Picture of the Day
--
Western Australia
Cool Swimming hole in the NW
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
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