437

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AMAZING

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Its been a bit warm in North America



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Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this.... True story.

(If you don't understand this, tell your mother, she'll get it!)

A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small New England town

 where Paul Newman and his family often visited.

One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk

. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself

 to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone.

She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village

 and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor.

There was only one other patron in the store:

Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee.

The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes

 made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes.

The actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely.

Pull yourself together! She chided herself.

You're a happily married woman with three children,

 you're forty-five years old, not a teenager!

The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone

 in one hand and her change in the other.

 Then she went out the door,

 avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction.

When she reached her car,

she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty.

Where's my ice cream cone?

 Did I leave it in the store?

 Back into the shop she went,

 expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand

or in a holder on the counter or something!

 No ice cream cone was in sight.

With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman.

His face broke into his familiar, warm, friendly grin

 and he said to the woman,

"You put it in your purse."

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Los Bravos

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Topical Cartoons

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Julia Gillard and Mr Beans love child

thanks Geoff C

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 means the same here in Aussie


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Seamusisms:

I was going to give him a nasty look but he already had one!

You three are a right pair if ever I saw one!

How come every time you dial a wrong number it’s never busy?

Catherine asked, “Hello, Molly. How are your new false teeth?”

 Molly replied, “I’m leaving them out till I get used to them.”

A True Irishman gets married for life, but not necessarily for love.

A true Irishman gets more Irish the farther he gets from Ireland.

A true Irishman considers a bore to be someone who keeps constantly interrupting.

A true Irishman considers anyone who won’t come around to his point of view to be hopelessly stubborn. (Aha! Now I know where I got that trait!)

A true Irishman has so much respect for the truth that he uses it only in emergencies

A true Irishman cries at sad movies, but cheers in battle

A true Irishman considers funerals a festivity but weddings sad events

 to be put off as long as possible, preferably forever.

A true Irishman can argue either side of a question, often at the same time.

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Jest for Laughs

thanks Toni



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Wizard of Oz

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See if you can guess what they are advertising before the video finishes

thanks Kitty L

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The priest was preparing a man for his long day’s journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said,

 “Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”

The dying man said,

 “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to piss off anybody.”

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Those Funny Animals

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Sad Bear Story

TIJI "COLOUR" HD from AKAMA on Vimeo.

stolen from Miss Cellania

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Larry

A  new teacher was trying to make use of her  psychology courses.

 She started her class by  saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid,  stand up!'

 After a few seconds, Little Larry  stood up.

The teacher said, 'Do you think you're  stupid, Larry?'

 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see  you standing there all by  yourself!'  





Larry  watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold  cream on her face.

 'Why do you do that, mommy?'  he asked.

 'To make myself beautiful,' said his  mother, who then began removing the cream with a  tissue.

 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving  up?'  

The  math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying  attention in class.

 She called on him and said,  'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'

 Larry  quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon  Network!'  



Larry's  kindergarten class was on a field trip to their  local police station where they saw pictures  tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted  criminals.

 One of the youngsters pointed to a  picture and asked if it really was the photo of  a wanted person.

 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The  detectives want very badly to capture him.

 Larry  asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his  picture ? "  





Little  Larry attended a horse auction with his father. 

 He watched as his father moved from horse to  horse, running his hands up and down the horse's  legs and rump, and chest.

 After a few minutes,  Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

 His  father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses,  I have to make sure that they are healthy and in  good shape before I buy.

 Larry, looking worried,  said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom  ...'  



thanks Charlotte H

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Have Some Fun!

Give this a try.

Just click the word

Chinapaint

Once at the site, click on the paint roller,

 then click on the paint can color you choose then clink on the object to be painted.

See what the colors say about you at the end.

..... and maybe even accurate!

thanks Gordon H

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Bring the house down

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Those people from Wal Mart are out and about again

thanks Jayne M

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The Old Nun

thanks Kitty L

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Jay and the Americans

another version here

http://youtu.be/ocnsDYgergM

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One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino,

 a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas , Texas

mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,

 lowered the window and asked,

 "Excuse me, do you speak English? He responded,

 "Yes M'aam, I do"

The lady then asked,

"What do you charge to do yard work?"

Lee said, "Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her".

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

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A Golf Poem................

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,

White And Dimpled, Rather Small.

Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,

This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.

By Its Size I Could Not Guess,

The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.

But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,

I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.

My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same,

Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.

It Rules My Mind For Hours On End,

A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.

It Has Made Me Yell, Curse And Cry,

I Hate Myself And Want To Die.

It Promises A Thing Called Par,

If I Can Hit It Straight And Far.

To Master Such A Tiny Ball,

Should Not Be Very Hard At All.

But My Desires The Ball Refuses,

And Does Exactly As It Chooses.

It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,

And Even Disappears Before My Eyes.

Often It Will Have A Whim,

To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.

With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,

It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.

Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,

If Only It Would Find The Hole.

It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,

And Swear That I Will Give It Up.

And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,

But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

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a rarely seen video of a U.S. Navy SEAL extraction filmed from inside an MH-47 Chinook helicopter. The pilot has lowered the ramp, dipped the tail end into the water to partially flood the compartment, (a maneuver that requires very precise flying) and awaits the Navy SEALs to board in their F-470 Zodiac.  You have just got to love the skill of our military... very few pilots would attempt this. It's too easy to lose lift and ditch the whole chopper.

thanks Toni

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Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam.

 Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife

 or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk,

 I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

 “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;

YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,

 a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

 “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,

 BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME BLOODY INBACILE OF DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

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thanks Gordon H

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thanks Rennae

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 thanks Toni

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Signs of the time

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This Woman

This woman is 51

She is a TV health guru advocating a holistic approach to nutrition and ill health,

 promoting exercise, a vegetarian diet high in organic fruits and vegetables.

 She recommends detox diets, colonic irrigation and supplements,

 also making statements that yeast is harmful,

 that the colour of food is nutritionally significant,

 and about the utility of lingual and faecal examination

 This woman is 50

She is a TV cook, who eats nothing but meat, butter and desserts.

I rest my case!

thanks Jayne M

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After a long and serious operation, Leona ended up in a coma.

 Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it.

 When her husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her,

 the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good, I'm afraid,"

 the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Leona and, with a soft trembling voice, said,

 "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 48."

"37," came the weak reply from Leona.



The perfect Man and Woman

CLICK HERE

thanks Godon H
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 PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.