439
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The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom,
the man being charged with theft.
The lawyer tells the crusty old judge,
"My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly,
the high speed modem."
"High-speed modem?" questions the judge.
"Yes," replies the lawyer.
"It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed.
It allows e-mail and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor."
"Cybersex?" asks the judge.
"You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor?
Good lord, the morals of this society!
Sex should be a natural event of nature."
"Secondly, my lord," continues the lawyer,
"My client can produce a receipt for the 42-speed cd-rom."
"42x-speed CD-Rom?" queries the judge.
"Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk."
"And I suppose most of this information is cybersex related.
Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling," comments the judge
. "I'm appalled at what technology is doing to society these days."
"Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt
for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is."
"That's the one with the silicone breasts and real hair," replies the judge.
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the latest compilation of faceplants, fails and oops
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At the Duplex
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Although it was barely noon with the sun straight overhead,
ol’ Fogarty already had a strong start at imbibing a healthy share of Guinness.
In short, he was quite a bit nearer to a state of inebriation than he was to sobriety.
Okay, truth be told, he was so drunk that he staggered
from side to side as he walked along the street.
As he haltingly stepped first this way, then that,
even a casual observer could see the state he was in.
Two nuns who were approaching him noticed his condition immediately
and were naturally quite nervous at the thought of passing near a man so drunk.
As they neared Fogarty,
the two nuns split far apart with one walking wide to Fogarty’s left
and the other walking just as wide to his right.
After the nuns had passed him by,
Fogarty spun around and said,
“Now how in the hell did she do that?”
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Peters and Lee
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Can you see it?????
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Here is something worth the couple of minutes to view:
a 360 panorama of the Discovery crew cabin flight deck.
This is pretty cool---
-and maybe the last time we get to see it before
it’s stuffed and mounted at the Smithsonian!
You can use your mouse to move around the cockpit
as well as just watch it rotate.
Up and down will show you the entire upper flight deck.
Hint: Drag your cursor for horizontal or vertical scanning
and use your scroll wheel to zoom in or out.
ENJOY………
Lighting is from the internal instrument panel lights.
Click on:-
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A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim.
Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while
we were being buried deeper and deeper under the sand.
But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah,
I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me,
the storm had stopped.
Since that day I am a devout Muslim
and am now learning to recite the Koran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian
," I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean
. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere.
I truly thought my end had come,
as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean.
But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ,
I prayed and prayed and suddenly,
300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped.
Since that day I am a devout Christian
and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew
. "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city.
Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere.
I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash.
I truly thought my end had come,
as it was a Saturday and we are not
allowed to handle money on Saturdays, our Sabbath.
But I did not lose my faith in Jehovah.
I prayed and prayed and suddenly,
for five hundred feet all around me,
it was Tuesday!"
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Those funny animals
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For the Golfers
thanks Kitty L
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Two duffers were playing together.
After the first hole, one said to the other,
"What did you take on that hole?"
"I took a seven," the second duffer said.
"What did you take?"
"I took a six," his friend said.
After the second hole, the first duffer said, "What did you..."
"Hey, not so fast," his friend said. "It's my turn to ask first!"
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gotta like this
Awesome!
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One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog,
tied it under the shade of a tree,
and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,
'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat', the officer said.
The blonde replied,
'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shady tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde.
'My dog doesn't need bread.
She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'
The exasperated policeman said,
'NO! You don't understand.
Your dog wants to have sex!'
(You gonna love this)
The blonde looked at the cop and said,
'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
thanks Joe B
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Funny English
thanks Liz Z
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One morning a crippled man came into the church on crutches.
He stopped in front of the holy water,
put some on both legs,
and then threw away his crutches.
An alter boy witnessed the scene
and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.
"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said.
"Tell me where is this man now?"
"Flat on his ass over by the holy water,"
the boy informed him.
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Kids [anklebiters]
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Mac Davis
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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say:
'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
thanks David J
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thanks Gordon H
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The Lost Generation
A palindrome, as you all know, reads the same backwards as forward.
This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward.
Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite..
This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant.
Make sure you read as well as listen...forward and backward.
This is a video that was submitted in a contest by a 20-year old.
The contest was titled "u @ 50" by AARP
. This video won second place
. When they showed it, everyone in the room was awe-struck
and broke into spontaneous applause.
So simple and yet so brilliant.
thanks Kitty L
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PHILS PHILOSOPHY
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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
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