507

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Awesome!!

 

 

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The Wasp

So there is this wasp, right? Now, he's not ordinarywasp, mind you, but an incredibly smart one. This wasp is so smart, that he feels as though he doesn't belong in his little waspy town, so he decides to pack up and go to a human high school. So off he goes to high school, with nothing but his knowledge and the wings on his back. He gets to high school and starts passing all of his classes with flying colors. We're talking A's in every class, and on top of that, he was also very popular and he was a huge jock, which caused almost everyone in the school to like him. He had a ton of girlfriends, won almost every award the school had to offer, and graduated a year early as valedictorian

.

After his little stint in high school, the wasp decided that it would be a great idea to go to college. So he applies for a few prestigious colleges, and gets accepted into all of them. The wasp is honored, but there is really only one college he wants to go to -Harvard. So here is this wasp, flying his smug little waspy ass into a Harvard classroom, flooring all professors and students with his knowledge of just about everything. Once again, he is an all-star athlete, straight-A student, and a very popular "person" to be around. He graduates So there is this wasp, right? Now, he's not ordinarywasp, mind you, but an incredibly smart one. This wasp is so smart, that he feels as though he doesn't belong in his little waspy town, so he decides to pack up and go to a human high school. So off he goes to high school, with nothing but his knowledge and the wings on his back. He gets to high school and starts passing all of his classes with flying colors. We're talking A's in every class, and on top of that, he was also very popular and he was a huge jock, which caused Harvard Law, and decides to start up his own law firm.

At this point, people are starting to recognize this wasp around the entire state. He is winning legal cases left and right, and making sure to only take the non-shady deals. He has enough money to pay off all of his debt, buy a house, and own several properties apart from his main residence. He stays a lawyer for over ten years before thinking to himself, "I could do a lot more for this country...", and decides to run for Governor. Now people from out-of-state are recognizing the name of this wasp, and he is gaining support quickly. Election day comes and he wins in a landslide victory, with his opponents willingly handing the title to the brilliant little fella. The wasp serves his terms as Governor, cleaning up the state as a whole, and influencing many other states around the nation to take place in a nation-wide reform.

It is at this point that the wasp starts to long for home, for the simplicity of the colony, and for the bonds of family. He tells his assistant to cancel all meetings and non-important things for the next week, as he is taking the week off to visit home. The wasp returns home and finds his entire colony waiting to greet him and welcome him back. All of his friends and family tell him how proud they are of him, and invite him to stay as long as he wants.

The wasp is relaxing in the colony, when he starts to think to himself, "Wow, I'm getting wicked thirsty... I might as well hit up the old watering hole!". So he trucks his way down to the watering hole, where he finds a HUGE line of other insects. It's at that point that he remembers that his colony is almost famous for its unbearably long lines for water. He waits in line for almost an hour before thinking, "Well THIS blows", and getting out of line. Almost to the point of dying from thirst, the wasp has an epiphany, his colony isfamous for its fruit punch, and because of that, the lines are normally not as long as the lines for water! The little wasp flies down to the punch bowl and, whaddayaknow…

There was no punch line.

stolen from Skips House of Chaos

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Those Funny Animals

Pepsi Penguins

Topical

I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new F-150 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...
The salesman sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its wonderful options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned, "This must be a Republican truck."
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democrat truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership. Damn guy had no sense of humor!

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Wedding pictures

Mean while in the UK

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Wedding Proposal

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New Chinese Train Service

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A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy
carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,

"Where did you get that turkey?"

The boy replied, "What turkey?"

The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."

The  boy looked down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted
under my arm!"

The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so
what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break
his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break
your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you
gonna do with him?"

The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!!

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Where's my new IPad

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POSTERS

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Religion

Q.. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A.. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A.. German Shepherds.

Q.. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q.. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.

Q.. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q... Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q.. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q.. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A.. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once

Q.. Which area of Middle East was especially wealthy?
A.. The area around Jordan . The banks were always overflowing.

Q.. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A.. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q.. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A.. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan.)

PS... Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . 'He-brews'

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Flirting

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I can fix that

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Scary Stuff

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There was once a mean old magician who lived next door to his two beautiful assistants. He mistreated them terribly, but they were afraid of him and his magic tricks and were too scared to leave. He owed his fame to them, for people would come from miles around to see them on stage, and to see the crowning act of his performance when he would saw the girls in half right before their very eyes.

The crowds would cheer and cheer for the girls, but the more they did the more the magician resented them and the worse his treatment became. He would have rid himself of them but he knew they were the only reason his show remained popular.

One night as he locked the girls away in their house he failed to latch the bolt fully and left the door unlocked. The girls had been waiting for just this opportunity. They crept out of their house, across the yard, out the gate, down the path and into his yard. They tip-toed across the yard and waited under his bedroom window until they heard the sound of snoring. 

They crept in through the door, went to his magicians' trunk and removed the saw that he used on stage. They snuck into his room, and standing one either side of his bed, sawed him clean in two with his very own saw. 

Thus confirming the Biblical moral: If you live by the sawed, you will die by the sawed. 

 

Did you hear about the wedding of Yves Montand and Carmen Miranda? It was a wedding combining many of the traditions of both of their heritages. 

Carmen's hair was worn up and held in place by beautiful, ornamental combs. After the vows, Carmen pulled out the combs, let her hair down, and combed it out as an act of submission, thereby concluding the ceremony and becoming his wife. 

Or, as the related tradition says, "She'll be Carmen Miranda Montand when she combs."

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The following two video's are Public Service Announcements

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1. But the doughnut was calling my name.
2. I felt left out because they were eating.
3. But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake.
4. The kids overseas are starving, so naturally I have to clean my plate.
5. I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so- called dish, so I had an ice cream.
6. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
7. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.
8. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
9. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
10. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
11. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
12. Cookie pieces contain no fat - the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Exception: Cookies sold by TEXAS D'LITES distributors. Great "Meal Replacement" with little or no FAT content, low in calories, lots of fiber, protein, and other nutritional ingredients.
13. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
14. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.

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Meanwhile at Wal Mart

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A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a “beautiful” real golfer who lived in a villa on the
golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

Hey, are you okay, what’s your name?”
“Willis,” he replied.
“Willis forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I’ll help you get the cart up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Aw come on,” Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
“Well okay,” Willis finally agreed, and added, “but my wife won’t like it.”
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know any thing. By the way, where is she?”
“Under the cart"

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Your Doing it Wrong!!!

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this is a very old video

but always good for a laugh

 

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The Wife, Seniors and Kids

SENIORS LEAVING AUSTRALIA

News Flash from the offshore Broome , Western Australia ----

The Australian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the north west coast of Australia today.

This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Australia towards Christmas Island .

Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Australians who were all seniors of pension age.

Their claim was that they were trying to get to Christmas Island so as to be able to return to Australia as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners.

The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking the next boat out, let me know if you want to come.

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Funny Signs

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY