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A couple of weeks back I posted a video of "Magic Clerk" 

from the Jay Leno show

Here is the same guy doing Valentines Day

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An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.

His family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.

After what seemed like hours,

 the ER doctor appeared wearing his scrubs and a long face. 

 Sadly he said, “I’m afraid Grandpa is brain dead,

 but his heart is still beating.”

“Oh dear God” 

cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock. 

“We’ve never had a Democrat in the family before.”

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Useless Trivia!!!

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Orchestra Pranks

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Topical

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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe  and placed his order. 

He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of  headlights

 and pair of running    boards."

The brand new blonde waitress,

not  wanting to appear stupid,

 went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 

 "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, 

a pair of headlights  and a pair of running boards. 

What does he think this place is, an auto  parts store?"

"No," the cook said.

 "Th ree flat tires mean three pancakes,

 a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up,

 and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.."

 "Oh, OK!" said the blonde. 

She thought about it for a moment

 and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked,

 "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, 

headlights and running boards, 

you might as well gas up!"

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Down Memory Lane

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Those Funny Animals

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Animal Photobombs

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Walrus Exercise Routine

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Oil everywhere

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how can you not love grand children

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  China Concept Dance

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A well-known professor of music was accustomed to receive letters

 from amateur musicians asking for auditions and from 

would-be composers asking him to look at their work.

 He always ignored them.

But one old lady was particularly persistent.

 Over and over again she wrote to him to ask him

 to visit her home to hear her cat play the piano.

At last he gave in.

 He had agreed to act as a judge at a music festival

not far from the old lady’s home 

and he decided that it might be amusing to call on her. 

So he telephoned her and arrangements were made 

for him to have tea at her home the following Thursday.

He arrived at the appointed hour to find that his hostess

 was a very pleasant and cultured elderly lady 

and not at all the sort of crank he had been half fearing. 

They sat down to tea and after a little while a cat sidled into the room,

jumped up onto the piano stool and mewed.

 His mistress stood up, walked across the room

and gently lifted the piano lid, giving the cat’s head an 

affectionate caress as she did so.

The cat sat up, his paws hovered for fully half a minute above the keys,

 as though he were trying to come to a decision and then he started to play, 

a little hesitantly at first –

 because it was quite evidently the first occasion that he had performed

 for anyone other than his mistress –

 but then with growing confidence when he saw that the stranger’s rapt attention.

He played the “Moonlight Sonata” very competently,

 two Chopin polonaises with passion and delicacy, 

and then a piece of Scarlatti with a flair approaching brilliance. 

Finally, he played a long piece which the professor failed to recognize.

The professor applauded heartily 

and turning to his hostess he asked who was the composer of the last piece.

 “Oh!”, she said,

 “Didn’t I say? He composes as well,

 you know. He wrote that last piece himself.”

The professor replied “Now that is truly amazing.

 You should have it orchestrated.”

The cat turned round, looking startled and dismayed,

 jumped down from the stool,

 ran across the room and out of the window,

never to be seen again

 stolen fro Archies Archives

the last Straw

Wales is well known for its very long place names.

From a philological point of view, 

this is the interesting effect of a language 

having the ability to create compound words.

 In English and German we create words 

like “Windowshades” or “Butterbrot” 

but in Welsh is the ability to create Compound Sentences.

This has led to a small village in Wales being named, 

and I won’t give a translation, LANFAIRPWLLGWYNGYLLGOGERYCHWYRNDROBWLLLLANTYSILIOGOGOGOC.

Many, many years ago, on the side of the road leading into the village,

 there used to be a sign announcing the town’s name,

 made of letters carved in wood. 

Naturally this sign was very long 

and very expensive to maintain.

One day, the village council, always short of money,

 decided to replace the long wooden sign with a short metal sign

 which wouldn’t cost so much to maintain.

They offered the old sign to any museum that was interested. 

The Scottich National Museum offered to take the sign and display it.

Robert Burns saw it and was so impressed 

by it that he wrote the now-famous Scottish song 

“OLD LONG SIGN”

stolen from Archies Archives

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Canadian Welder Toy

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POSTERS

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A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.

Blonde: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde:  "I figure its because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing

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Ship my pants

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What can I say!!

A man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia) 

received a bill in March for his as yet unused gas line 

stating that he owed $0.00.

 He ignored it and threw it away.?

 In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note 

stating that they were going to cancel his gas line

 if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail.?

 He called them, talked to them,

 and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried

 out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage

 on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.?

 However, when he went to use the gas,

 it had been cut off.

He called the gas company who apologized for the computer error once again 

and said that they would take care of it.

 The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.?

 Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill

 was yet another mistake, he ignored it, 

trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. 

This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account 

or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company

 at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. 

The computer duly processed his account

 and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation

 called our hapless friend and asked him what

 he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied

 that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail.?

 The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques 

they had received from ANY of their customers that day

 because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company 

claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00

 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they

 would take immediate steps to recover the debt.?

 At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company

. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks

 at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements

 which were considered substantive evidence 

of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee

 and the outcome was this: 

The gas company was ordered to:

[1] Immediately rectify their computerized accounts system

 or Show Cause, within 10 days, 

why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients 

whose cheques h ad been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claim ant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month

 period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation t

hey had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00

 Who employs these idiots??? 

Remember, these "people" walk among us and breathe the same air we do

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Aussie Lamb Advert

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The Duplex

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Your doing it wrong!!!

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This weeks signs

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History Lesson

The difference between Holland and The Netherlands

now you know

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

WHO HAS TAKEN MY TREES!!

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.