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Australia Day edition

remember to smile!!!
A light hearted look at Aussie

Monday January 26th

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Richie Benaud Stars Alongside Aussie Icons 

In Latest Lamb Ad

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A view of the city from across  the Swan River in South Perth

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I am, you are, we are Australian

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The Wide Brown Land .....

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS

The following is by Douglas Adams of 

"Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame

"Australia is a very confusing place,

 taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. 

 It is recognizable from orbit
because of many unusual features,

 including what at first looks like an enormous bite 

taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer
cliffs which plunge into the girting sea.
Geologists assure us that this 

is simply an accident of geomorphology,

 but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight",
proving that not only are they covering up a more

 frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia 

is the status of the place.

  Where other landmasses and sovereign lands

 are classified as continent, island or country,

 Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. 

 They can be divided into three categories

: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. 

 It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet,

Australia has 9 of them.
Actually, it would be more accurate to say 

that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids,

 Australia has all of them.

 However, there are few snakes,

 possibly because the spiders have killed them all.

But even the spiders won't go near the sea.

  Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots

 (before putting them on), under
toilet seats (before sitting down)

 and generally everywhere else.

  A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history:

 Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people

arrived in boats from the north. 

 They ate all the available food,
and a lot of them died. 

 The ones who survived learned respect

 for the balance of  nature, man's proper place

 in the scheme of things,
and spiders.
They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time

 making up strange stories.

Then, around 200 years ago,

 Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, 

European convicts were sent, 

with a few deranged people in charge. 

They tried to plant their crops in autumn
(failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons),

 ate all their food, 

and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, 

and have been treasured ever since.
It is interesting to note here that the Europeans 

always consider themselves vastly superior 

to any other race they encounter,
since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate

 (marks of a civilized culture they say), 

whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily
survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert,

 equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped

 being Europeans on 'extended holiday' 

and became Australians.  

The changes are subtle,
but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses

 of nothingness and eerie quiet, 

where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep
inside themselves to the core of their essence, 

their reasons for being, 

and the necessity of checking inside

 their boots every morning
for fatal surprises. 

 They also picked up the most finely tuned 

sense of irony in the world,

 and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. 

 Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches.

  Australian beaches are simply the nicest 

and best in the world,

 although anyone actually venturing into the sea 

will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish 

(a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea,

 pretends to be a rock

 and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back

 that will kill just from the pain)

 and surfboarders. 

However,

 watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats,

 you would expect Australians to be a dour lot.

  Instead, they are
genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing

 to share a kind word with a stranger.  

Faced with insurmountable odds

 and impossible problems,
they smile disarmingly and look for a stick.

  Major engineering feats have been performed 

with sheets of corrugated iron,

 string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth,

 they seem to be free from the

'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' 

syndrome, and
roundly proclaim that Australia is,

 in fact, the other side of that fence.
They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" 

(a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). 

THE IRRITATING THING ABOUT THIS

 IS THEY MAY BE RIGHT.


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TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason

 WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think,

 regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Air-conditioning is imperative.

Do not attempt to use Australian slang unless

 you are a trained linguist

 and extremely good in a fist fight.

Wear thick socks.

Take good maps.

  Stopping to ask directions only works

 when there are people nearby

If you leave the urban areas,

carry several litres of water with you at all times,

 or you will die. 

 And don't forget a stick.

Even in the most embellished stories 

told by Australians,

there is always a core of truth that it is unwise to ignore.

HOW TO IDENTIFY AUSTRALIANS

They waddle when they walk due 

to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers

stuffed in their wallet or purse.

They pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

They think it makes perfect sense to decorate highways

 with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

 They think
"Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place,

 that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga"

, but "Woy Woy" can't be
called "Woy".

Their hamburgers will contain beetroot.

  Apparently it's a must-have.

They don't think it's summer until

 the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

They believe that all train timetables are works of fiction.

 And they all carry a stick.

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National Anthem of STRAYA 

(to the tune of Hey Ya)

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Aussie Cartoons

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AUSTRALIA

Belgiang Johan Lolos has been travelling around Australia for a year.

here are a few of his memories

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     The Pinnacles Desert  WA

thanks Gordon H

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KIMBERLEY EXPEDITIONS

 Western Australia

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Funny Australian Animals

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Aboriginal boys dance Zorba the Greek 

Yolngu style

Arnhem land Islander chooky dancers

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The Outback

Trucking Downunder  "Lights On The Hill" Slim Dusty

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The Gibb River Road

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Aussie Phun Phacts

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The song is a version of our unofficial national anthem Waltzing Matilda,

 the lyrics for which were penned by Banjo Paterson

 on a track east of Winton, in Outback Queensland.

It is sung in the Top End's Kriol,

 a combination of languages said to have grown organically 

from the meeting of Aboriginal, European 

and Chinese people around Darwin.

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here's just a few

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No matter who the Prime Minister
 is we like to poke fun at them

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Cane Toads are a pest across the Top End
 I posted this a long time ago
Be warned its a bit strong on Aussie language

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Odds and Ends

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Recently, the Townsville Police Department

 ran an e-mail forum with the local community 

(a question and answer exchange) 

with the topic being, "Community Policing." 

One of  the civilian e-mail participants

 posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers

 to continually harass people,

 and get away with it?"

From the "other side"  Sgt. Bennett,

 obviously a cop with a sense of humour replied: 

"First of all, let me tell you this ...  it's not easy.

  In Townsville, we average one cop for every 600 people. 

  Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty 

(or what you might refer to as "patrol")

 where we do most of our harassing. 

The rest are in non-harassing departments

 that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents

. At any given moment,

 only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty,

 and available for harassing

people while the rest are off duty.      

So roughly,

 one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents

. When you toss in the commercial business,

 and tourist locations that attract people from other areas

, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is

responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long.

 This gives a cop one second to harass a person,

 and then only three- fourths of a second to eat a pie,

 and then find a new person to harass.

This is not an easy task.

 To be honest, most cops are not up to this

 challenge day in and day out. 

It is just too tiring.

 What we do is utilize some tools to help us

 narrow down those people which we can

realistically harass. 

  The tools available to us are as  follow:

PHONE: 

  People will call us up and point out things

 that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment.

 "My neighbour is beating his wife"

 is a code phrase used often.

 This means we'll come out and give somebody 

some special harassment.

 Another popular one:

"There's a guy breaking into a house." 

The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS:

  We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive.

 They like to harass the drivers of fast cars,

 cars with no rego, or no driver's licenses and the like.

 It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic

 for nothing more obvious than running a red light. 

  Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment

 on when you find they have drugs in the car,

 they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant.

RUNNERS:

  Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. 

Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them 

like a cat on the scent of a mouse. 

 When you catch them you can harass them for hours,

 to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

LAWS:  

When we don't have PHONES or CARS or RUNNERS,

 and have nothing better to do,

 there are actually books that give us ideas

 for reasons to harass folks. 

They are called "Laws"; Criminal Codes,

 Motor Vehicle Laws, etc .

..They all spell out all sorts of things

 for which you can really mess with people. 

After you read the laws, 

you can just drive around for a while until 

you find someone violating one of these

 listed offenses and harass them.

Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car.

 Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. 

That meant I was allowed to harass this guy

. It's a really cool system that we've set up,

 and it works pretty well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass.

 And we get away with it.

Why?

Because for the good Townsville citizens

who pay the bill, we try to keep the streets safe for them,

 and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better,

 how we harass the good citizens of Townsville.

A Number On My Back (The Wallaby Anthem) - 

John Williamson

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My Australia 

 We've Done Us Proud

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meanwhile

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John Williamson: Shelter

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West Aussie Landscapes

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Another video I have posted before
But always good for a laugh

Aussies vs New Zealand (funny)

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This weeks signs
[aussie flavour]

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Monty Python - Bruce

Aussie Philosophy

Please stand for the National Anthem

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