Phils Phun

64
The footy is done and dusted for another year
As you can see below the Geelong Cats won the flag by thumping Port Adelaide
The Cats win was very impressive and if Port Adelaide is supposedly the second best team in the competition then the rest of the teams must be very mediocre
Final Score Geelong 24.19 Port 6.8

Weekend is over for most of you, but here in the West,
we have a long weekend and can sleep in again tomorrow

PETER SELLERS on the MUPPET SHOW

A single can of paint can pollute millions of litres of water

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Yer Dad home?' the rancher asked.

'No sir, he ain't,' the boy replied. 'He went into town."

"Well," said the rancher, 'is yer Mom here?'"

No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The rancher stood there for a few minutes,

shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely.

"I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one.

Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably,

"I really wanted to talk to yer Dad.It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter,

Pearly Mae, pregnant.

"The boy considered for a moment.

"You would have to talk to Pa about that,"he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 forthe bull and $25 for the boar,

but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

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Misc cartoons

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners,

and the Lamaze class was in full swing.

The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,

along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced,

“Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it ok if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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Words Women Use and the Definitions
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument

when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes

to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,

and you should be on your toes.

Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine

.4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement

often misunderstood by men

A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why

she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing.

(Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements women can make to a man.

That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how

and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement,

meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times,

but is now doing it herself.

This will later result in a man asking

“What’s wrong?”

For the woman’s response, refer to #3.
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There was a peddler who sold wool blankets and sweaters.

Every day, he would pull his cart a few miles from his home to the village marketplace.

He passed a small lake that was on the property of a local banker.

On a particularly cold winter's day, he noticed that the lake was frozen over.

He realized that he could shave a mile or so off his trip by pulling his cart over the lake.

When he got halfway across the lake, the banker raced from his house, yelling,
"Nobody's going to pull the wool over my ice!"

A squad of Soldiers was marching north of Baghdad

when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured andunconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian SAS in a similar but less serious state.
The Aussie was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men,

the squad leader asked the injured Aussie what had happened.

The Aussie reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here,

and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent."
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein wasa miserable, low life scum bag

who got what he deserved,

and he yelled back that John Howard is a bald headed,good-for-nothing,

right wing extremist who doesn't know how to listen
So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Peter Costello
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands,

when a truck hit us."