Phils Phun

66
Welcome to Blog 66
Well, I certainly put the mockers on the Aussie Rugby team
They were beaten last night by the Poms[who played very well]
In another upset the Kiwi's were also knocked out by France
So, there's no more bragging coming from here
Below is a collection of faces for your week

One out of every Ten men is Gay

Hands up all those who remember the Flip Wilson show on Telly
Here is an excerpt from the show where he is hamming it up with Muhammed Ali
Flip is Geraldine

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently but your bits were chopped off inthe wreck
and we were unable to find them.
'Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on,
'You've got $9000 compensation coming to you and we have the technology
now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.
But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
It's a thousand dollars an inch.
'The bloke perks up at this.
'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.
But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.I mean,
if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nineincher
she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before and decide only to invest in a five incher
this time she might be disappointed.
So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.
'So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?
''I have.' says the fellow.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'She has' says the bloke.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.

. .'We're having a new kitchen'.
---------------
[sent in by Chris Bone..Thanks Chris]

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity,
one from Mississippi and the other from Texas,
were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion.
The Mississippian said,
"When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued,
"When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile
you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband
bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion,
"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried.
"Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying,
'Who gives a crap,' I learned to say,
'Well, isn't that nice?'"

Some wedding cartoons

and I think this related to the above

One day the wife and I were discussing anger management.
And I asked her, 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back.

How do you control your anger?'
She said, 'I clean the toilet bowl.'
I asked, 'How does that help?'
She said, 'I use your toothbrush'
[thanks Miss Cellania]

Lunchtime

Lol

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks,

looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,
"Piss off, ye'll no bring it back!"

The par: 200,000 trees

Building a single golf course puts thousands of trees at stake

However in Turkey they are planning to build several golf courses

simultaneosly

----------------

Aussies Take Control Of Iraq's Oil

The Aussie Navy has just assumed responsibility (it works on a rotating basis)

for protecting Iraq's offshore oilfields,

which currently generate about 90% of the country's GDP.

This is a huge honour for the Australian armed forces,

and a great use of our taxpayer dollars.

One day Iraq will have its own Navy, patrol its own waters and defend its own resources.

One day Iraqis will thank us for all the hard work we are doing to

bring Corporatized Democracy to their doorstep.

Yeah!Right

---------------------------

When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm.

One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife

with eggs and fish for breakfast.

Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs.

There were only six.

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass.

He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea.

He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home.

Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf.

Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine,

he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree.

From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off.

When Carson got back home empty handed,

he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying,

"You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit."

A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquiredtwo new dogs,

and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one

was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"Whereupon the blonde responded,

"What else you gonna name watch dogs?"

------------

A blonde was driving home after a football game,

and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.

Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard,

and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees

and started blowing into her car's tailpipe.

Nothing happened.

She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,

"What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed

her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,

"HELLLLOOO... You need to roll up the windows!"
------------

The Blonde Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,

expertly tailored black suit.

The blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue,

and that she wants him in a blue suit.
She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says,

"I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit

with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician,

"Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.You did an excellent job

and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

"There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing.

You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size

was brought in shortly after you left yesterday,

and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead,

and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."
"So I just switched the heads."

And on that morbid note read the following which Ifound very interesting

20 Things You Didn't Know About... Death
Newsflash: we're all going to die.

But here are 20 things you didn't know about kicking the bucket.
by LeeAundra Temescu

1 The practice of burying the dead may date back 350,000 years, as evidenced by a 45-foot-deep pit in Atapuerca, Spain, filled with the fossils of 27 hominids of the species Homo heidelbergensis, a possible ancestor of Neanderthals and modern humans.

2 Never say die: There are at least 200 euphemisms for death, including "to be in Abraham's bosom," "just add maggots," and "sleep with the Tribbles" (a Star Trek favorite).

3 No has died of old age since 1951.

4 That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

5 The trigger of death, in all cases, is lack of oxygen. Its decline may prompt muscle spasms, or the "agonal phase," from the Greek word agon, or contest.

6 Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

7 So much for recycling: Burials in America deposit 827,060 gallons of embalming fluid—formaldehyde, methanol, and ethanol—into the soil each year. Cremation pumps dioxins, hydrochloric acid, sulfur dioxide, and carbon dioxide into the air.

8 Alternatively . . . A Swedish company, Promessa, will freeze-dry your body in liquid nitrogen, pulverize it with high-frequency vibrations, and seal the resulting powder in a cornstarch coffin. They claim this "ecological burial" will decompose in 6 to 12 months.

9 Zoroastrians in India leave out the bodies of the dead to be consumed by vultures.

10 The vultures are now dying off after eating cattle carcasses dosed with diclofenac, an anti-inflammatory used to relieve fever in livestock.

11 Queen Victoria insisted on being buried with the bathrobe of her long-dead husband, Prince Albert, and a plaster cast of his hand.

12 If this doesn't work, we're trying in vitro! In Madagascar, families dig up the bones of dead relatives and parade them around the village in a ceremony called famadihana. The remains are then wrapped in a new shroud and reburied. The old shroud is given to a newly married, childless couple to cover the connubial bed.

13 During a railway expansion in Egypt in the 19th century, construction companies unearthed so many mummies that they used them as fuel for locomotives.

14 Well, yeah, there's a slight chance this could backfire: English philosopher Francis Bacon, a founder of the scientific method, died in 1626 of pneumonia after stuffing a chicken with snow to see if cold would preserve it.

15 For organs to form during embryonic development, some cells must commit suicide. Without such programmed cell death, we would all be born with webbed feet, like ducks.

16 Waiting to exhale: In 1907 a Massachusetts doctor conducted an experiment with a specially designed deathbed and reported that the human body lost 21 grams upon dying. This has been widely held as fact ever since. It's not.

17 Buried alive: In 19th-century Europe there was so much anecdotal evidence that living people were mistakenly declared dead that cadavers were laid out in "hospitals for the dead" while attendants awaited signs of putrefaction.

18 Eighty percent of people in the United States die in a hospital.

19 If you can't make it here . . . More people commit suicide in New York City than are murdered.

20 It is estimated that 100 billion people have died since humans began.

Awesome Toilet