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Its almost here



While stitching up the hand of a 75 year old Queensland farmer,
who got cut on a gate while working cattle,
the rural doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd 07 and his bid to be our Prime Minister.
The old farmer said, well, ya know, Rudd is what I call a fencepost turtle.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a fencepost turtle was.
The old farmer said,
When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's called a fencepost turtle.
The old farmer saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain.
You know he didn't get up there by himself,
he definitely doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he is up there,
and you just gotta wonder what kind of an idiot put him up there in the first place!''
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Merle Haggard...Mama Tried

An American Army colonel and a Russian Army general
are bragging about how great their respective services are.
"In Russia," says the general, "we feed our men one thousand calories every day!"
"In America," replies the colonel, "we feed our men THREE thousand calories every day!"
"Nonsense!" exclaims the Russian.
"Nobody can eat an entire sack of potatoes in twenty-four hours!"
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Cartoons

The Nicobate Patch

Two priests are having a slash in the Vatican urinals.

Father Sigfried looks at Father Ted's old fella and notices a Nicobate patch on it.

He looks at his colleague and says,

"I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your old fella."

Father Ted replies,

"Oh no, it's doing a good job there.

I'm down to two butts a day."

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Welcome to extreme ironing -

The latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity

with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt.

To be a part of this extreme sport visit extreme ironing official website

: extremeironing.com

The Ventures .............Walk Don't Run and Perfida




Engineer groupies

An American comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He calls his analyst.
A German comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He calls his lawyer.
A Frenchman comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He calls his mistress.
An Englishman comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He calls the dog and goes for a walk.
A Russian comes home one day and finds his wife in bed with another man.

He goes purple with rage and yells out:
"Woman, woman, you waste your time like this when there are turnips in the shops!"

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Good Parenting..........Only in America

More good parents

A telegram was sent from Czeckoslovakia to the Kremlin

with a request to help in setting up a naval ministry.

The Kremlin was bewildered by this request as Czeckoslovakia was landlocked

so why do they need a naval ministry.

So the Kremlin asks the Czeckoslovians:

Comrades, why do you need a naval ministry?

You people don't have any seas or oceans bordering your country!

The reply:

Comrades, we need this ministry, after all you people have a ministry for culture!

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Give this bloke a medal

Man rescues bear

"Wildlife officer Adam Warwick stripped off and jumped into the sea to save the bear

who bolted into the water after being hit by a tranquiliser dart.

The 360lb black bear had bolted into the water in fright after being shot with

a tranquilliser dart when it was found roaming a Florida beachfront neighbourhood.

However, as the paralysing drug took effect, the panicked creature thrashed

and flailed in the waves, struggling for survival.

Wildlife officer Mr Warwick, 29, who works for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission-

wasted no time in stripping off to help.

''I wasn't sure what I was going to do when I jumped in,'' he said.

''It was a spur of the moment decision, I had a lot of adrenaline pumping. ''

I was swimming towards the bear, trying to prevent him from swimming into deeper water.

''He was losing function in his arms and legs, and was obviously in distress.

I knew I had to keep him from drowning. ''

The clearly confused bear looked at me as if he was either going to go by,

through or over me . . .

and at times he even looked as if he was just going to climb on top of me

to keep from drowning,' he said.

As the animal struggled to keep its head above water,

Mr Warwick slipped one arm under the bear to cradle its body

and clamped the other on to the scruff of its neck,

dragging it ashore"

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Teamwork

Handles well, but the Panda looks a bit sad