Phils Phun

162

Things you need to know

1. Walter Cavanaugh, "Mr. Plastic Fantastic," has 1,196 different valid credit cards.

2. The oldest known goldfish lived to 41 years of age. Its name was Fred.

3. In 1987, a 1,400-year-old lump of still-edible cheese was unearthed inIreland.

4. There is a town in Newfoundland, Canada called Dildo.

5. In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

6. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

7. If an orangutan belches at you, watch out. He's warning you to stay out of his territory.

8. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

9. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

10. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
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Heard this on the radio today and looked for it on You Tube and there it was

George Burns....I wish Iwas 18 again

Cop's "flea" Police Station

September 16th...Northern Territory News

POLICE have been forced to clear out of the main city station after a prisoner caused a flea infestation.
The Northern Territory News understands a suspect was brought into custody at Darwin city watchhouse - on Knuckey St - early last week "with a horde of unwanted guests".
A source said the flea-ridden suspect caused an infestation in a police van and the watchhouse.
Officers were told to tuck their pants into their socks and wear gloves at all times. They were also required to have a hot shower after each shift.
Police were finally forced to abandon the station after a week of intense scratching.
"Officers started complaining mid-last week. They had localised irritation," the source said. "Initially, management dismissed it, but when more officers complained, they brought in an expert."
The expert discovered the infestation and required chemicals to be sent up from Adelaide to allow police to return to the abandoned station. The police van was also quarantined and separately fumigated.
An email was sent to police on Friday advising of the infestation and the station was closed on Sunday.
The source said he was concerned about the repercussions of the infestation.
"There might be other people who have been affected," the source said.
Police spokeswoman Amy Sloan confirmed the watchhouse shut its doors at 3pm on Sunday for fumigation. It is expected to reopen this afternoon.

Vicious

A picture of the suspect wanted for questioning over the infestation

of the Darwin Police Station

The suspect is described as small in stature and bitey

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Military research

A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing.

While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room,

and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ.

But, luckily, no one was around to see him.

So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator.

When it arrived, it was empty.

He breathed a sigh of relief and got in.

When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside.

"This must be my lucky day," he said to himself.

He was now only a few yards from his office.

Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner.

He heard the General''s voice.

There was no way he'd make it to his door in time,

so he ducked into the closest office available,

and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development.

The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.

The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.

"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.

The Head Scientist said.

"You mean the shrink-ray, don't you?"

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Cartoons

Buck Owens and Ringo Starr....Act Naturally

What are these people doing????

Picking cucumbers
Stolen from..... Bits and Pieces

Cousin Elly, a blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up.

When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers.

It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked;

how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store

and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied,

"However, there's one thing I don't understand.

Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"
stolen from..............It occurred to me

Bare/Bear Feet

Q: Are fishermen generous?

A: No, their ocupation makes them sell fish.

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Q: What do snake charmers wear around their necks?

A: Boa ties.

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While you are sleeping...the FBI are working

While you are working...the FBI are sleeping

The Purina Diet
I have a Labrador retriever and was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart,

waiting in the check-out line.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works

is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two

every time you feel hungry, as the food is nutritionally complete.

So, I was going to try it again....
...although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.

But, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward

with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line

was by now enthralled with my story,

especially a tall heavy man behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd been poisoned.
I told her no;

I'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
The tall heavy man who was slurping on a coke proceeded to blow it out his nose.

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The following have been posted at the request of the War Office