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Australian Tails
The story of Jet the Jack Russell dog

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The new libarian decided that, instead of checking out children's books
by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself,
she would have the youngsters sign their own names.
She would then tell them that they were signing a "contract"
for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian.
He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian,
giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and,
with a look of utter disgust on his face,
handed them to the librarian.
Before the librarian could even start her speech,
the boy said, disdainfully,
"That other librarian we had could write
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The Financial Crisis

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3 QUICK ONES:
An elephant asks a camel: "why are your breasts on your back ?"
"Well" says the camel,
"I think it is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face"
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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer.
In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies
from the lumber yard where he worked.
"How much material did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house, and enough for my son's house,
and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said.
"I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance.
Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied.
"But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land,
was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour
to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoots mon," he said,
"in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent,
"but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee
is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman,
"it's no wonder he walked!"
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Signs from the Zoo

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Dear Hitchiker............

Bachelor Defined

One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.

One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.

One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.

One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.

One who can forget his mistakes.

One who can get into bed from either side.

One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.

One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.

One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.

One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.

One who can't be Spouse-Broken.

One who can't stand the strain of a wife.

One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.

One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.

One who failed to embrace his opportunities

One who is a free male.

One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.

One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.

One who is known as a Dame Dropper.

One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.

One who knows all the ankles.

One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.

One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.

One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.

One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.

One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!

One who looks, but does not leap.

One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.

One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.

One who never makes the same mistake once.

One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.

One who never Mrs. Anything. One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"

One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.

One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.

One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.

One who travels fastest in a parked car.

One who tries to avoid the issue.

One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.

One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.

One who washes only one set of dishes.

One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.

One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.

One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.

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Cartoons

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Play Spot the difference

Icouldn't get past level 2

See if you can do better

This is a tricky game

Sometimes it will go back to the same picture

but with new differences
http://www.novascoop.com/article.php3?id_article=1202

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New Zealand Costume party

Iwent as a sheep shagger!!!

picture stolen from It occurred to me

An oldie, but a goldie
LOGIC

A New Zealand joke

Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table

in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,

orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.

The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.

James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets

the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.

On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant,

but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris: - Er .. mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chris: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden

then you have a large house?

Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume

that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active

with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Chris: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James: - What's that then?

Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: - Nope

Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker

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MUSIC

This one is for Bunk @Tacky Raccoons
The Best of Blue Grass

Roll in my sweet baby's arms

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Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven ?
Because if they all went, it would be hell
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An exciting game of Cow Volleyball

Helicopter Pimp

Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Jammo

Warning!!!! Naughty Joke

There was a cat sat on the bank of the Forth and Clyde Canal at Clydebank

when a small sausage floated past.
The cat pondered whether or not to snatch it and

decided it wasn't worth the hassle.
A couple of minutes later a bigger sausage floated past the cat went for it

nearly falling in the canal but missed.
Then a huge sausage floated past and the cat leaped in and got absolutely soaked.
What's the moral of the story?
"The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy"