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Daylight Saving started again here in the West today..
Yippee!!!
Already I can hear all the wowsers whingeing.

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C'mon Down

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Rabbi and Priest buy car
A Rabbi and a Priest were both poor so decided to split the cost and buy a car together.
The Rabbi had no use for a car on Saturday anyway.
Nor did the priest have any use for a car on Sunday.
So they buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car
and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''
So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....''
and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
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One Happy Elephant




I think I'm happy

I'm as happy as a pig in.........

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Escape Artist

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OLD IS WHEN ......

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"

and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes

and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

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Cartoons

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Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.

Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.

"Well," said Eric,

"I ran afoul on one of those awkward questions women ask.

Now, I'm in deep trouble at home."

"What kind of question?" asked Tom.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."

"That's easy," said Tom.

"You just say 'Of course I will.'"

"Yeah," said Eric.

"That's what I did,

except I said 'Of course I do.'"

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Overloaded

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The ultimate Backing Band


Stolen from Miss Cellania

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A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday.

The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop.

There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it.

He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle.

As he was leaving the store owner said “Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here.

I live right above the shop and I’ll help you out any time you want.”
The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home.

He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn’t see them

when he brought them in.

Next morning is the son’s birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents

and to check on the hamster.

He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage

with it’s legs in the air!

He realises that his son will be distraught as he’s talked about nothing else for weeks!

Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop

and knocked on the owner’s door.

He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding

and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.
The man then says “What can I do with the old one?

I don’t want to bury it as the cat may dig it up

and I don’t want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin”.
The pet-shop owner replies

“What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water,

bring it to the boil and then add the hamster

and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically.

It makes quite a nice jam.”
The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe

and then dashes home with the new hamster.

He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it

and promptly goes off to play with it.

The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner’s recipe

so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar,

then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking.

After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it.

He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite.

And it is (not unsuprisingly) absolutely revolting!

In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden,

and does his best to forget about the whole thing

.But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn.

He is at a loss to explain it as he’s never had any in his garden before!

Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food

for the hamster, so the man agrees.

Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals,

the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.
“So”, he said, “did you try that recipe I gave you?”
“Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window.

Odd thing is, where is landed I’ve got daffodils growing!”
“Daffodils?” asked the store owner,

“Are you sure?

You usually get tulips from hamster-jam”

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Southern Expressions

Exclamations:

"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats:

"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

"This'll jar your preserves."

"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments:

"Cute as a sack full of puppies."

"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

"Gooder than grits."

The Weather:

"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions:

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults:

"She's uglier than homemade soap."

"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."

Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

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Collin Raye......Love me


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Piggy Back