Wednesday, October 29, 2008

175




Here is something to get you all revved up
Crank up your volume and rock around your computer
Roy Orbison and Friends
Uptown..Penthouse no 3
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal?"
She replied: a can of peaches.
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.
She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment
the woman's husband spoke up
and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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I think she wants to take it home!!!
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Just for...Miss Cellania

MORE SOUTHERNISMS
1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
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Cartoons...on my favourite subject [Women]












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There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.
Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door,
he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host
."A premature ejaculation," said the man.
"I just came in my pants!"

stolen from Miss Cellania
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For all those Elvis Fans
Wooden Heart
Clip from the movie "GI Blues"

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Some more cute animal shots





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Aussie Words
These were results for an Ozwords comp where entrants were aske to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter,
and supply a new and witty definition.
You'll probably need to be an Aussie to understand!
Billabonk [billabong]To make passionate love beside a waterhole.
Bludgie [budgie] A partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet.
Dodgeridoo [Didgeridoo]A fake indigenous artefact.
Licky [sicky]A day off you get by asking the boss nicely.
Barramondi[Barramundi]The sickie taken after Sunday, for the purpose of fishing.
.Klangaroo [Kangaroo]the sound a roo makes when it hits your bull bar.
Flatypus [platypus] A cat which has been run over by a vehicle.
Carlton drift [draft]The wayward walk home from the pub
Shornbag [hornbag] A sheila with a brazillian wax

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A face in the crowd




Charles and Camilla


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RELIGIONS AND IDEOLOGIES ON TOYS
Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Hari Krishna: He who plays with the most toys wins.
Judaism: He who buys toys at the lowest price wins.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys wins.
Anglicanism: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys wins.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Objectivism: Toys are Toys.
Islam: You must force the world to play with this exact toy, other toys are forbidden. Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
Socialism: You will have toys eventually.
Taoism: The doll is as important as the dumptruck.
Mormonism: Every boy may have as many toys as he wants.
Fascism: We have ways of making you play with your toys.
Libertarianism: You can do anything you like with your toys as long as its consensual.
New Labour: We have firm evidence that masses of toys do exist somewhere.
Voodoo: Let me borrow that doll for a second...
Jehovah's Witnesses: He who places the most toys door to door wins.
Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk wins.
Existentialism: Toys are a figment of your imagination.
Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in water, it is no longer dry.
Buddhism: What is the sound of one toy playing with itself?
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Send XXXX

Thanks Denis Mc C
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Sunday, October 26, 2008

174
Daylight Saving started again here in the West today..
Yippee!!!
Already I can hear all the wowsers whingeing.



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C'mon Down

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Rabbi and Priest buy car
A Rabbi and a Priest were both poor so decided to split the cost and buy a car together.
The Rabbi had no use for a car on Saturday anyway.
Nor did the priest have any use for a car on Sunday.
So they buy a car together and it's being stored at the Priest's house.
One day the Rabbi goes over to use the car
and he sees him sprinkling water on it.
The Rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?''
The Priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.''
So the Rabbi said ''Okay, since we're doing that....''
and takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.
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One Happy Elephant




I think I'm happy




I'm as happy as a pig in.........
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Escape Artist
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OLD IS WHEN ......
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

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Cartoons












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Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric,
"I ran afoul on one of those awkward questions women ask.
Now, I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets old, fat and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Tom.
"You just say 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," said Eric.
"That's what I did,
except I said 'Of course I do.'"

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Overloaded




















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The ultimate Backing Band


Stolen from Miss Cellania
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A man asked his son what he would like for his forthcoming sixth birthday.
The son said he wanted a hamster so the man visited the local pet shop.
There he found the perfect hamster who was in the peak of health so he bought it.
He also bought a cage with a wheel and a water bottle.
As he was leaving the store owner said “Any problems what-so-ever, just come back here.
I live right above the shop and I’ll help you out any time you want.”
The man put the hamster and cage in his car and drove home.
He left them in there until his son had gone to bed so that he wouldn’t see them
when he brought them in.
Next morning is the son’s birthday so the man gets up early to wrap the other presents
and to check on the hamster.
He is horrified to see that the hamster is lying dead in the bottom of the cage
with it’s legs in the air!
He realises that his son will be distraught as he’s talked about nothing else for weeks!
Quickly he pulled on his coat and drove round to the pet shop
and knocked on the owner’s door.
He explains the problem and the owner is quite understanding
and gives the man a new hamster, refusing to take any payment for it.
The man then says “What can I do with the old one?
I don’t want to bury it as the cat may dig it up
and I don’t want to throw it away in case my son sees it in the bin”.
The pet-shop owner replies
“What I do is mix up a strong sugar solution - about 1.5kg of sugar and 2 litres of water,
bring it to the boil and then add the hamster
and simmer for about two hours, stirring periodically.
It makes quite a nice jam.”
The man says thank you and that he will try the rather strange recipe
and then dashes home with the new hamster.
He gives the new hamster to his son who is thrilled with it
and promptly goes off to play with it.
The man then decides to try the pet-shop owner’s recipe
so goes to the supermarket to get some sugar,
then gets the largest saucepan he has and starts cooking.
After two hours, the mixture has become jam-like so the man decides to try it.
He gets a slice of bread and smears a layer on and takes a bite.
And it is (not unsuprisingly) absolutely revolting!
In disgust he throws the rest of the mixture out of the window, all over his garden,
and does his best to forget about the whole thing
.But after a few days he notices that daffodils are springing up all over his lawn.
He is at a loss to explain it as he’s never had any in his garden before!
Next day, his son asks him to take him to the pet-shop as he wants to get some more food
for the hamster, so the man agrees.
Whilst his son is looking around at the other animals,
the pet-shop owner, recognising the man, comes over to talk to him.
“So”, he said, “did you try that recipe I gave you?”
“Yes, but it tasted disgusting so I threw it out the window.
Odd thing is, where is landed I’ve got daffodils growing!”
“Daffodils?” asked the store owner,
“Are you sure?
You usually get tulips from hamster-jam”

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Southern Expressions
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"
Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart."
Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

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Collin Raye......Love me


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Piggy Back




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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

173
Australian Tails
The story of Jet the Jack Russell dog

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The new libarian decided that, instead of checking out children's books
by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself,
she would have the youngsters sign their own names.
She would then tell them that they were signing a "contract"
for returning the books on time.
Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian.
He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian,
giving her his name as he did so.
The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out.
The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and,
with a look of utter disgust on his face,
handed them to the librarian.
Before the librarian could even start her speech,
the boy said, disdainfully,
"That other librarian we had could write
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The Financial Crisis

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3 QUICK ONES:
An elephant asks a camel: "why are your breasts on your back ?"
"Well" says the camel,
"I think it is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face"
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A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer.
In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies
from the lumber yard where he worked.
"How much material did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house, and enough for my son's house,
and houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said.
"I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance.
Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied.
"But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land,
was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour
to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.
"Hoots mon," he said,
"in Scotland it wouldna ha' been more than $20."
"That might be true," said the travel agent,
"but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee
is water on which our Lord himself walked."
"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman,
"it's no wonder he walked!"
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Signs from the Zoo










Dear Hitchiker............




Bachelor Defined
One who avoids Bride-Eyed women.
One who believes in Life, Liberty and the Happiness of Pursuit.
One who believes in Wine, Women and So-Long.
One who believes that one can live as cheaply as two.
One who can forget his mistakes.
One who can get into bed from either side.
One who can go fishing anytime, until he gets hooked.
One who can have a girl on his knee without having her on his hands.
One who can leave his socks and wallet lying around the house.
One who can tell his symptoms to his Doctor without having his wife interrupt.
One who can't be Spouse-Broken.
One who can't stand the strain of a wife.
One who cheated some woman out of a divorce.
One who doesn't have to leave the party when he starts having a good time.
One who failed to embrace his opportunities
One who is a free male.
One who is allergic to Wedding cakes.
One who is Foot-Loose and Family-Free.
One who is known as a Dame Dropper.
One who is not missing anything in life except a few buttons on his shirt.
One who knows all the ankles.
One who knows how to hold a woman's hand so that she doesn't get a grip on him.
One who knows if he has a steady girl on the string he may wind up on a leash.
One who knows more about Women than Men. That's why he is a Bachelor.
One who leans toward a woman but not far enough to fall.
One who likes his Girl Friend just the way she is...Single!!!!
One who looks, but does not leap.
One who never chases a woman he couldn't outrun.
One who never knows whom the next kiss is coming from.
One who never makes the same mistake once.
One who never met a girl he couldn't live without.
One who never Mrs. Anything. One who never says, "I'll Give You A Ring Tomorrow!"
One who plays the game of love and manages to retain his amateur outstanding.
One who prefers ripe tomatoes with little dressing.
One who thinks he is a thing of Beauty and a Boy forever.
One who travels fastest in a parked car.
One who tries to avoid the issue.
One who usually has his hands full trying to loosen a woman's grip.
One who wakes up in the morning with all of the blankets.
One who washes only one set of dishes.
One who when a girl asks him for a Diamond Ring, he turns Stone-Deaf.
One who when he opens the window in his apartment, more dust blows out than in.
One who won't take `Yes' for an answer.
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Cartoons










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Play Spot the difference
Icouldn't get past level 2
See if you can do better
This is a tricky game
Sometimes it will go back to the same picture
but with new differences
http://www.novascoop.com/article.php3?id_article=1202

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New Zealand Costume party
Iwent as a sheep shagger!!!

picture stolen from It occurred to me

An oldie, but a goldie
LOGIC
A New Zealand joke
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table
in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters,
orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets
the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet.
On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant,
but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er .. mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden
then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume
that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active
with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope
Chris: - Well then, you're a wanker
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MUSIC
This one is for Bunk @Tacky Raccoons
The Best of Blue Grass
Roll in my sweet baby's arms
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Why do only 15 % of women go to heaven ?
Because if they all went, it would be hell
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An exciting game of Cow Volleyball




Helicopter Pimp
Ouch!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Jammo




Warning!!!! Naughty Joke

There was a cat sat on the bank of the Forth and Clyde Canal at Clydebank
when a small sausage floated past.
The cat pondered whether or not to snatch it and
decided it wasn't worth the hassle.
A couple of minutes later a bigger sausage floated past the cat went for it
nearly falling in the canal but missed.
Then a huge sausage floated past and the cat leaped in and got absolutely soaked.
What's the moral of the story?
"The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy"







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