Phils Phun

180

Music
November 12th was Neil Young's birthday
Neil Young...Long may you run

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Is this a sign of the times??

Or maybe this

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OLDER WOMEN
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.
She does something she wants to do.
And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,
what she is, what she wants and from whom.
Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you might think about her
or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified.
They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera
or in the middle of an expensive restaurant.
Of course, if you deserve it,
they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved.
They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends.
A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.
Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends
because she knows her friends won't betray her.
Women get psychic as they age.
You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.
They always know.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick.
This is not true of younger women.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40
is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest.
They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one!
You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal.
For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,
there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants
making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free",
here's an update for you:
Now 80% of women are against marriage.
Why?
Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig,
just to get a little sausage.
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Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
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Cartoons

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Wrong message

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost.

This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.

"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.

He leaned closer and whispered,

"What you need, pal, is faith.

Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."

Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared.

Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God.

Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand,

he glanced over and saw the woman bending down.

She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow.

Suddenly a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it,

used her ass as a table.

The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.

Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.

A few minutes later, the drawing was held.

And once again, Paul lost.

The winning number was 707.
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For the Greenie's

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Bud Light Commercial

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This bloke goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, Canadian beer," he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, it shrinks things, those silly Canadian beers..

you should try drinking American beer.

That makes things grow.

"Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink American beer??" asked the doctor.

"Oh no, Doc," replies the man,

"but I've got the wife on Canadian beer!"
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A mime had a show to put on in front of a large audience.

Unfortunately, he developed a bad cough the day before his show.

This simply wouldn't do for the mime.

So, he went to the local health food store and asked for something for his cough.

The clerk suggested that he make thyme tea and put a cinnamon stick in it.

Surprisingly, the concoction worked.

Hence the expression,
"a stick in thyme saves mime."

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The Warden’s New Kitchen
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison.

During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person.

So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.
Some three years later,

Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.

And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening.

Andy was a model inmate.
One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen,

though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.
To the warden’s surprise, Andy simply refused to help.
“But you’re an expert, Andy, and I really need your help,” said the warden.
“Gosh, warden, I’d really like to help you,

but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.”
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Would you land uphill or downhill????

Retirees: The Whole Truth & Nothing But

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?

Answers: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?

Answer: Normal.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

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A young Glesgow female walks into the local dry cleaners.

She places a garment on the counter.

"I'll be back the morra tae pick up ma dress

."Come again?" the man behind the counter said, cupping his ear

."Naw" she replies.

"it's mayonnaise."

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