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Haven't posted for a few days , as have been in and out of the city .




stolen from Bits and Pieces


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I was driving from Iowa City to Cedar Rapids the other day when a tire blew out.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.
He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man.
"Republican," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."
The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided
that maybe I should change my strategy,
since this area seemed to be overly political and
there appeared to be few Republican.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.
"Democrat!" I shouted..
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road,
I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me,
the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts,
and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car."
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied.
"I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

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Cartoons.......Doctor's

Doctor Joke
Nigel goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says,

"Nigel, I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
Nigel is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says,

"I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage,

a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,

10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,

1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
Nigel asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."

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Lawyers

My Daddy Is A Lawyer
While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument,

their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

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Procrastinator's Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been
done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find
excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration

.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide
to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

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There was big explosion at a pie factory

,3.14759265 dead

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Funny Signs

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SOME CLASSIC ONE-LINERS

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.

He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,

"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off"

.8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

“Is it common?”

"It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.

"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed?

"No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."

"How's that?"

"Don't you start!"

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"

I said "sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.

'18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin,

or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other

"Your round.” The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen.

It said, 'Parking Fine.' So, that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places."

The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning

when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.

Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies

so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

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are understood to be in the public domain.

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please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.