Phils Phun

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April 25th [next Saturday]' is ANZAC Day in Australia and New Zealand
Andre Rieu and Melissa Venema----------Il Silenzio
The 'last post' is universal among almost all the armed forces of the world.
In this video the trumpet is played in its entirety,
and it is a sad and beautiful thing to hear.. Enjoy

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Is this your dog??

Maybe you should hang this in his kennel

Instructions for cleaning the toilet:
1. Lift the lid on the toilet and fill it with 1/8 cup of animal shampoo.
2. Take the cat in your arms and stroke it gently while slowly moving in the direction of the toilet.
3. At a suitable moment, throw the cat into the toilet bowl and close the lid quickly and either stand or sit on the lid
.4. The cat will now start the cleaning process and will produce generate plenty of foam.
Do not be concerned about the loud noises coming from the toilet; your cat is enjoying himself.
5. After several minutes flush the toilet to start the “Power-wash” pre-wash and then flush again for the main wash cycle.
6. Ask someone to open the front door and ensure that no-one is between the toilet and the front door.
7. Get off the toilet seat and from a safe distance open the toilet lid quickly.
The cat will dry off naturally due to the high speed he will be moving from the toilet to the front door
.8. The toilet and the cat are now both clean
.With best wishes,The Dog

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Mc Dive

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Explaining the Flag
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white, and blue Netherlands flag to an American."Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars, too!"
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Taxes Remitted
There was a man who made his tax returns promptly and properly
only to find that he owed the IRS [Internal Revenue Service], in 1997, $3,407USD.
[Somewhat less than £2,000]
He packaged up his payment and included this letter
:Dear IRS,Enclosed is my 1997 tax return and payment.
Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper.
In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029).
Screws $22
This brings my total payment to $3429.00.
Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the 'Presidential Election Fund',
as noted on my return.
Might I suggest you then send the above mentioned fund a '1.5 inch screw' .
(See attached article - HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year,
and I look forward to paying it again next year.
I have just read an article about the Pentagon and 'screwdrivers'.
Sincerely,
Disgruntled of Oklahoma.

stolen from Hale @ It occurred to me

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New Golf Lingo.....
Some new lingo to use when you're out on the course...
A 'Rock Hudson' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't
A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another
A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand
A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water
A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed
An 'OJ.'- got away with one
A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver
A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver
A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good
A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds
A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read
A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist
A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees
A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank
A 'Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole

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Bee sting
A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse
for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
‘Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?’
‘I was stung by a bee’, she said.
‘Where’, he asked.
‘Between the first and second hole’, she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said,
‘Then your stance is too wide.’

stolen from Jonco @ Bits and Pieces

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One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing.

Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine.

He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball. Ben searches diligently through the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny.

As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:

"What`s the matter Ben?" Ben shouts back in a nervous voice:

"Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can`t get out of here with an 8-iron."

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Polish

The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation.

A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter.

An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you.

The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War

against the other two.

See, you need to do something world-famous."

A German added, "Yes, he's right.

Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build,

build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it."

With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge.

They designed it and worked six months and finally completed it.

They then went back to report it to the group.

The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw:

it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert.

An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation.

There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert.