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I'm on my way!!!
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Paul McCartney is 67 today


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Nurses aren't supposed to laugh
"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse.
"I'm a prof-essional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at apatient."
"Okay then," said Jim, and he proceeded to drop his trousers,
revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nursehad ever seen.
Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself,the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.
Ten minutes later, she was able to struggle to her feetand regain her composure.
"I am so sorry," she said.
"I don't know what came over me.
On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise itwon't happen again.
Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Jim replied.
She ran out of the room.

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Remembering the Titanic

Stolen from....Izismile.com. Daily news and sun stuff
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Stavros Flatley on

"Britains Got Talent"

Thanks Josie

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The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop

was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help,

he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19

and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses --

one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised,

"She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now,

but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

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Bloody good stuff, that duct tape. it'll fix anything

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Gotta love Jim Carrey

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Cartoons.....Elephants

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Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much.

In 2007, there was a period of -30 degree centigrade cold

and Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it.

So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the

window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob,

"What are you doing?"

Bob explained and she said, "Come on... you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea.

"Let's change places when Joe is looking the other way."

Bob's wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap

and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him,

"What are you doing?"Joe told her and said,

"I am determined to win the bottle!"

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side.

Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"
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stolen from...Miss Cellania

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Marbles

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Funny Signs

If you can read this your in range

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There was a 10 year old boy walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He walked up to a house of ill repute and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money and I'm not leaving until I do.'
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'
Of course, the Madam said no, but the boy replied,

'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making it with Amber.

So THAT'S the girl I want!'
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,

the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,

and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked,

'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,

my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my babysitter.

After they leave, my babysitter will have sex with me

because she just happens to be very fond of little boys.

She will get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home..

. On the way, they will do it, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work,

the Milkman will deliver the milk,

have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease...
…. and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!
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Helping With the Housework
Housework used to be a woman's job, but one evening,

Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed,

a load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table set.

She was astonished!
It turns out that Charles had gotten home early

and read a bit of the old Cosmopolitan she had left out.

The featured article on the cover informed him that wives who work full-time

and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.
The night went very well.

The next day, Janice told her friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charles even cleaned up the kitchen!

He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.

It was really an amazing evening."
"But what about the hot sex afterward?" asked her friends.
"Oh, that," Janice said.

"Well, Charles was too tired...."

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Phils Philosophy

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