254


We gotta get out of this place

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FIRE IN BLOCK OF FLATS

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a four story block of flats.
A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor,and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.
One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief quietly replied,
"Simple - they were both at work."

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Here is a picture of one of our local politicans
But I don't know which one it is because I can't see their eyes


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Q: If Hillary and Obama were on a boat in the middle ofthe ocean and it started to sink,
who would be saved?
A: America.

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Just plug it into your computer and away you go





Church Organist
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly
and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them
on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size,
but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though,
'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up
and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'
.She agreed to try it
.The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol,
We will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Thanks Gordon

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The Lumberjack Song


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TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. You don't have to worry if it is going to rain - it's already raining
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges to the 'burbs
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. You have a university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. You have a fleet of old rusted ships that you got for free from China
9. There's always some sort of forest protest going on somewhere
10. People here never get a tan - they rust
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TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. The Rockies are between you and B.C.
2. Preston Manning goes to Ottawa a lot, so he isn't here
3. Tax on goods is 7 percent instead of approx. 20 percen
t4. The Premier is a beer drinker with about grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban Video Casino games
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You get red and white license plates so other Canadians can immediately identify the bad drivers on their roads

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Cartoons......Animals and Friends

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2012

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A woman says to her husband ,

"what would you do if I won lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies,

"I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now bugger off!"


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A man is telling his friend about his escapades and says,

"I feel so bad -- I've been cheating on my wife."

"How many times?" asked the friend?

"I mean, if this is your first time, surely you can beg for forgiveness. "

"How should I know?" he replied.

"I'm not an accountant, I'm a lover."

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Dean Martin



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A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill.

The doctor examines him and replies

"I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24."

"What's that?" the man asks.

"It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news.

His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then?

Otherwise you'll never be able to."

The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo.

He finds that he's won the one-line and £10.

He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all.

Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150.

He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too.

The bingo caller calls him up onstage

.He says "I don't believe it, mate.

You've won three competitions in a totalof £660 in one night

. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping.

"I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

Thanks Duke


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Some more Funny Signs

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Pure bred Police Dog

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read:

"Pure bred Police Dog $25. Free local delivery.

"Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered

the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad,

"How dare you call that mangy-mutt a pure bred police dog?"

"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied,

"He's in the Secret Service."


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A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied

."What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?"

asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain.

"Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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Speaks for itself!!!!!

Phils Philosophy

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.

I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.