255





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Some old ones, and some new ones


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A French journalist, an animal rights activist,
was interviewing Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan.
The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer
before you shoot him?
Is it, "Are you my friend?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother?"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking.
All they care about is, what am I going to eat next,
who am I going to screw next,
and can I run fast enough to get away.
They are very much like theFrench."
The interview ended

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You Want Me to Do What ?!?
One picture is worth a thousand words.
The look on the dog's face is priceless.



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The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The Boss called her into his office and said,
"Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over.
I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.
Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
"My lawyer."

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Women in Film

How many can you recognise?

Here they are in order of appearance

Mary Pickford, Lillian Gish, Gloria Swanson, Marlene Dietrich, Norma Shearer, Ruth Chatterton, Jean Harlow, Katharine Hepburn, Carole Lombard, Bette Davis, Greta Garbo, Barbara Stanwyck, Vivien Leigh, Greer Garson, Hedy Lamarr, Rita Hayworth, Gene Tierney, Olivia de Havilland, Ingrid Bergman, Joan Crawford, Ginger Rogers, Loretta Young, Deborah Kerr, Judy Garland, Anne Baxter, Lauren Bacall, Susan Hayward, Ava Gardner, Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, Lana Turner, Elizabeth Taylor, Kim Novak, Audrey Hepburn, Dorothy Dandridge, Shirley MacLaine, Natalie Wood, Rita Moreno, Janet Leigh, Brigitte Bardot, Sophia Loren, Ann Margret, Julie Andrews, Raquel Welch, Tuesday Weld, Jane Fonda, Julie Christie, Faye Dunaway, Catherine Deneuve, Jacqueline Bisset, Candice Bergen, Isabella Rossellini, Diane Keaton, Goldie Hawn, Meryl Streep, Susan Sarandon, Jessica Lange, Michelle Pfeiffer, Sigourney Weaver, Kathleen Turner, Holly Hunter, Jodie Foster, Angela Bassett, Demi Moore, Sharon Stone, Meg Ryan, Julia Roberts, Salma Hayek, Sandra Bullock, Julianne Moore, Diane Lane, Nicole Kidman, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Angelina Jolie, Charlize Theron, Reese Witherspoon, Halle Berry
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Men in Film

Stolen from.....Archies Archive

in order of appearance

Douglas Fairbanks Sr., Rudolph Valentino, Charlie Chaplin, James Cagney, Spencer Tracy, Fredric March, Errol Flynn, Fred Astaire, Clark Gable, Laurence Olivier, Gary Cooper, Humphrey Bogart, James Stewart, Tyrone Power, Cary Grant, Henry Fonda, Robert Mitchum, John Wayne, Kirk Douglas, Gene Kelly, Burt Lancaster, William Holden, Marlon Brando, James Dean, Rock Hudson, Montgomery Clift, Anthony Quinn, Gregory Peck, Richard Burton, Jack Lemmon, Sean Connery, Sidney Poitier, Charlton Heston, Steve McQueen, Peter O'Toole, Paul Newman, Clint Eastwood, Robert Redford, Dustin Hoffman, Roy Scheider, Warren Beatty, Dennis Hopper, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro, Gene Hackman, Jon Voight, Harrison Ford, Kevin Kline, Kevin Costner, Michael Douglas, Christopher Walken, Mel Gibson, Sean Penn, John Travolta, Antonio Banderas, Tim Robbins, Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hanks, Denzel Washington, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Russell Crowe, Kevin Spacey, Will Smith, Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Johnny Depp, Matt Damon, George Clooney

Music: Bach's Allemande from Suite for Solo Cello No. 3 in C Major, BWV 1009 performed by Antonio Meneses

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A poor mans BMW


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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,

"Son, can You tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks

and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said,

"I'm the new pastor in town.I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday.

I'll show you how to getto Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle.

"Awww, come on... You don't evenknow the way to the Post Office."

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stolen from....amyoops



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.......


John had been behind closed doors in his boss’s office for over an hour,
and his colleagues were just starting to wonder what the boss was telling him
when he finally emerged.
He walked out of the office, and one by one, he went over to the other workers,
and started handing out peppermints to everyone.
“Here,” he said to the first, “you can have the extra strong mints.”
The next person was given a pack of soft mints,
and the third received some chewing gum. Mint flavour, of course.
Finally, they could stand it no longer.
“What on earth are you doing?!” they asked him.
“I’m doing my assign mints,” he said.

stolen from..Archies Archive
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Aussie Beer Symphony


Thanks Wayne W

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Wild Men of Beer

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For those who like the colour Pink

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I think this fits in here somewhere!!

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Women on Haircuts:
Woman 1: Oh! That haircut is so cute!

Woman 2: You think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror.

I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman 1: Oh, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that,

but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable.

And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think.

I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck!

Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would kill for your shoulders.

Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are?

If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. (etc...) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Men on Haircuts:

Man 1: Haircut?

Man 2: Yeah.

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Phils Philosophy
Always look on the bright side of Life

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· The Rules of lLfe
Tread gently on anyone who looks talks out the side of their mouth.

Have lots of long lie-ins.
Wear sturdy socks,

learn to grow out of medium underwear and,

if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction.

Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look bloody great.
Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
Sleep with somebody you like.
Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.
Try to live in a place you like,

Marry somebody you like

Try to do a job you like.

Never turn down an opportunity to shout out at the top of your voice.
Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old.....look forward to it.
Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
Avoid people who say they know the answer.

Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Don't pat animals with sleekit eyes.
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.

Salute nobody.
Campaign against blue Smarties.
and never play with anthing that could take somones eye out

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

254


We gotta get out of this place

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FIRE IN BLOCK OF FLATS

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a four story block of flats.
A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor,and all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.
One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.
Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief quietly replied,
"Simple - they were both at work."

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Here is a picture of one of our local politicans
But I don't know which one it is because I can't see their eyes


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Q: If Hillary and Obama were on a boat in the middle ofthe ocean and it started to sink,
who would be saved?
A: America.

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Just plug it into your computer and away you go





Church Organist
There was this small church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly
and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them
on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size,
but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons, though,
'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up
and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'
.She agreed to try it
.The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol,
We will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Thanks Gordon

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The Lumberjack Song


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TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. You don't have to worry if it is going to rain - it's already raining
2. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges to the 'burbs
3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar
5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown
6. You have a university with a nude beach
7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations
8. You have a fleet of old rusted ships that you got for free from China
9. There's always some sort of forest protest going on somewhere
10. People here never get a tan - they rust
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TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. The Rockies are between you and B.C.
2. Preston Manning goes to Ottawa a lot, so he isn't here
3. Tax on goods is 7 percent instead of approx. 20 percen
t4. The Premier is a beer drinker with about grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your town's turn to ban Video Casino games
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You get red and white license plates so other Canadians can immediately identify the bad drivers on their roads

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Cartoons......Animals and Friends

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2012

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A woman says to her husband ,

"what would you do if I won lotto?"

He says, "I'd take half then leave you."

"Excellent," she replies,

"I won 12 bucks, here's 6 now bugger off!"


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A man is telling his friend about his escapades and says,

"I feel so bad -- I've been cheating on my wife."

"How many times?" asked the friend?

"I mean, if this is your first time, surely you can beg for forgiveness. "

"How should I know?" he replied.

"I'm not an accountant, I'm a lover."

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Dean Martin



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A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill.

The doctor examines him and replies

"I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24."

"What's that?" the man asks.

"It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24hours to live".

The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news.

His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then?

Otherwise you'll never be able to."

The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo.

He finds that he's won the one-line and £10.

He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all.

Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150.

He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too.

The bingo caller calls him up onstage

.He says "I don't believe it, mate.

You've won three competitions in a totalof £660 in one night

. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"

The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."

The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping.

"I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

Thanks Duke


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Some more Funny Signs

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Pure bred Police Dog

A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read:

"Pure bred Police Dog $25. Free local delivery.

"Thinking that to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.

The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered

the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad,

"How dare you call that mangy-mutt a pure bred police dog?"

"Don't let his looks deceive you, ma'am," the man replied,

"He's in the Secret Service."


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A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied

."What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?"

asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain.

"Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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Speaks for itself!!!!!

Phils Philosophy

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination.

I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.

253


Kenny Rogers is 71 today

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The new Monopoly game



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One day, a mom was cleaning her son's room,
and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it, and handed it back to her without a word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
The dad looked at her and said
"Well, I don't think you should spank him.
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Australia....C'mon down

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Jumbo landing

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A man bought a woman a couple of drinks in a bar

and asked if she would like to go to his apartment to continue talking.

"Sure," she replied, "but it won't lead to anything."

When they entered his apartment she reminded him,

"Don't waste your time with any fancy moves."

"Hey, what do you think I am?" he said.

"I'm not looking for a one-night stand. I want you for my wife."

"Great," she said. "What time will she be home?"

stolen from.....It occurred to me

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Elevator Floor Illusion
Going into this elevator would certainly makes one nervous.

A sign at the entrance cautions the people that goes in about work in progress.

A more detailed look shows that the floor has been

painted with an illusion that there is no floor

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This is me


Stolen from....Miss Cellania

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Not to worry

Polar bears have options

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"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Alan told his friend Don.

"Whynot add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Don suggested.

"But what if my wife finds out?"

"Heck, it's 2009, Alan. Go ahead andtell her about it."

So Alan went home and said,

"Dear, Our marriage seems to be stale.

Do you think an affair will bring us closer together."

"Forget it,"said his wife.

"I've tried that with ten or twelve guys already - it never worked."


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Cartoons....Dearly Departed

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Merle Haggard and Tammy Wynette


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A fellow and his wife in Muskogee, Oklahoma, where the people are all patriots,

were blessed with the birth of twins, two identical girls.

These twins were born on the4th of July, and the father, being patriotic, said tohis wife,

"We will name them Liberty and Justice, after the pledge of allegiance".

His wife said, "Are you nuts? You can't have girls going

through life with names like Liberty and Justice.

We aregoing to name them regular girl's names like Mary or Jane".

Well, the argument went on for about a month, when a compromise was reached.

They would each name one of the girls.

The man chose Liberty and the wife picked Elizabeth.

As the girls grew, they were so identical, they kept pulling tricks

on people who couldn't tell them apart.

Finally, when they were about 18, a young man took interest in them.

He would take one out on a date but he was never sure which one he was with.

He decided he would marry one of them,

or both if he could get away with it,

but hewasn't sure which one he would marry,

if he could only get one.He went to the girls father and explained his quandary.

"I love your daughters and want to marry one of them,

but I can't tell them apart, so I will leave it up to you".

"Give me Liberty or give me Beth"


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The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse

after being sworn in as American citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed.

"We are American citizens at last!

Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife, replied.

"Tonight, you cook the damn dinner and I get on top!"

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Phils Philosophy

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site are

understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.