Phils Phun

256

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Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped,
turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant,
"What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a strange noise he heard in the engine," she explained.
"Oh, and it took a while to fix it," said the passenger
."Not exactly." replied the stewardess,
"It just took us a bit to find a deaf pilot."

stolen from...Miss Cellania

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Come for a ride

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Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Redneck Woman: "Fo'."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Redneck Woman: "Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine.
But may I ask why you named your fourth child 'George'?"
Redneck Woman: "Because we didn't want any Mo'."

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HOME IMPROVEMENT

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Cartoons....Golf

Escapee
Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women

runs across the fairway and into the woods.

Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her,

and a little old man is bringing up the rear.

One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, " What's going on?"

The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum,

she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."

The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"

The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."

Out Of My Mind
"Mildred, shut up" cried the golfer at his nagging wife.

"Shut up or you'll drive me out of my mind."

"That," snapped Mildred,

"wouldn't be a drive.... that would be a gimme putt."

At the brink of their club´s swimming pool four guys talk about their children.
“I have five boys, a full team of basketball.” Prides itself the first one.
“Because I have six, one would form a volleyball team.” Rebate the second.
“Big thing: with the eleven that I have at home I could make a football team.”

Exaggerates the third.
Then one of them asked the fourth man who still remained in his corner

without saying nothing:
“And you, how many children do you have?”
“None. But I have eighteen women, an official golf course.”

Prayer to St. Nicklaus
Our Father, who art in Augusta,

Nicklaus be thy name,

thy kingdom come, thy will be done,

on greens as it is on fairways.

Give us this day our share of birdies,

and forgive us our gimmes

as we forgive those who gimme against us.

Lead us not into the deep rough,

and deliver us from sand traps,

for we drive for power

and we putt for glory,

forever and ever, Amen.

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Sorry to keep posting this cartoon everytime I do Golfing cartoons

But it cracks me up...Phil

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Love this...Listen carefully

stolen from my mate over at....Xtreme Quips

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hint..read pronounced as

stolen fron Jonco over @ Bits and Pieces

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For my many friends in British Columbia

Smile Folks !!!

If you live in B.C

1. You know the provincial flower is actually Mildew.

2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.

3. You use the statement "sunny break" and know what it means.

4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.

5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.

6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.

7. You stand on a deserted road in the rain waiting for the "Walk" signal

.8. You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain.

9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Blenz, and Tim Horton's.

10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.

11. You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos, Nanaimo, and Tsawwassen.

12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.

13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.

14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark

while only working eight-hour days.

15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho

.16. You are not fazed by "Today's forecast: showers followed by rain,"

and "Tomorrow's forecast: rain followed by showers."

17. You cannot wait for a day with the forecast "showers and sunny breaks".

18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.

19. You know that Dawson Creek is a town, not a TV show.

20. You can point to at least two ski mountains,

even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.

21. You remark the mountain is "out" when it is a clear day and you can actually see it.

22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 5,

but still wear your hiking boots and parka.

23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 10, but keep the socks on.

24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.

25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.

26. You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies & TV shows.

27. You buy new sunglasses every year,

because you can't find the old ones after such a long time.

28. You measure distance in hours.

29. You often switch from "heat" to "a/c" in your car in the same day.

30. You use a comforter in the summer.

31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.

32. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.

33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter,

Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) & Raining Again (Fall).

34. You can ski in the morning and swim in the ocean in the afternoon

(if the water wasn't so cold).

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Aliens and Others

From 1966

Australia's own Easybeats

Crank up your volume

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The woman applying for a job in a Florida Lemon Grove

seemed to be far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said

"I have to ask you this have, you had any actual experience in pickingLemons?"

"Well as a matter of fact I have!" she replied

."I've been divorced three times and I voted for Obama."

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Probably explains why my work vehicle is coming apart