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Today Is Armistice Day

Stop for a moment or two
and remember those who fought and gave their lives
and those who still are

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This week Sesame Street Celebrated its 40th Birthday
Here is a little tune that my kids enjoyed when they were ankle biters
And now my Grandkids enjoy as well




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The Red Sparrows

thanks Wayne W

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport,

the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale

made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?!

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!

You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.

I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!

You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour,

and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!

You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent

after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.

Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate

ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

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I walked up to a really pretty girl at the bar the other night and said,

"Hey, babe, can I buy you a drink?"

She said, "Do you like sex?"

I said, "Of course I like sex."

She said, "Do you like to travel?"

I said, "Yeah, I love to travel."

She said, "Then bugger off
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Who will get the last beer

thanks Liz Z

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Death/Deaf

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The Eye Ball Game

Have a go at this

Once again Iperformed poorly
http://www.stumbleupon.com/s/#22LVLR/woodgears.ca/eyeball//


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With Summer rapidily approaching

what better way to get you into beach mode,

than with these "Tube waves"

Lets go surfing

Standing at the edge of the lake,

a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.

Unable to swim, the man screamed forhelp

.A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim.

Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water.

In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman,

put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said,

"Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time,

I thought it was my wife.

But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said,

"Just my luck.

How much do I owe you?"

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Piano Stairs



thanks David J

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A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural..

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,

'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

'Well, that 's a good start.

Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

'That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

Has anyonehere ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

'Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

'That's fantastic.

Now let me ask you one question further....

Have any ofyou ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says

'Son, all the years I'vebeen giving this lecture,

no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin,

and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,

'So, Bubba,tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Bubba replied,

" Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."


thanks Liz Z

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I'm puzzled

Babies

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In Sunday school little Kathy was drawing a Nativity picture….

There were Mary and Joseph, shepherds and wise men.

“What’s that in the corner Kathy?” asked the teacher.

“That’s their TV, of course,” replied Kathy.

thanks Duke

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Party in the Stomach



thanks to my son Phil Jnr

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

When Life Gets You Down

A little birdie said to me,

“Cheer up - life could be worse!”

So I cheered up, and sure enough, things got worse...

Sometimes when you're angry with someone,

it helps to sit down and think about the problem.

The 35 Rules of Life

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.