278



If only it was this simple



Take a pinch of white man
Wrap him up in black skin
Add a touch of blue blood
And a little bitty bit of red Indian boy
Curly Latin kinkies
Mixed with yellow Chinkees, yeah
You know you lump it all together
And you got a recipe for a get along scene
Oh what a beautiful dream
If it could only come true,
you know, you know
What we need is a great big melting pot
Big enough enough enough to takeThe world and all its got
And keep it stirring for a hundred years or more
And turn out coffee coloured people by the score
Rabbis and the friars
Vishnus and the gurus
We got the Beatles or the Sun God
Well it really doesn't matter what religion you choose
And be thankful little Mrs. Graceful
You know that livin' could be tasteful
We should all get together in a lovin machine
I think I'll call up the queen
It' s only fair that she knows,
you know, you know
What we need is a great big melting pot
Big enough enough enough to takeThe world and all its got
And keep it stirring for a hundred years or more
And turn out coffee coloured people by the score
-----------------------------------------

WARNING FROM PAKISTAN!
This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan,
Taliban Minister of Migration Mohammed Omar,
warned the United States that if military actions against Iraq continues,
Taliban authorities intend to cut off
America's Supply of Convenience Store Managers
and possibly Motel 6 Managers.
And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will Be next,
followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps.
Finally, if all else fails,
they have threatened to send us no more candidates for President of the United States!



-------------------------------------------------


Spelling test

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom
after playing in the playground during their break time.
The teacher says to the first child
''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''
Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard,
I will give you a biscuit.''
Becky duly goes and writes, 's a n d' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.
The teacher then says,
'Freddie, what have you been doingIn your playtime?'
Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''
''Very good,'' says the teacher,
''if you can spell 'box' on theBlackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''
Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.
''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.
Teacher then says,
'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box
with Becky and Freddie?''
''No,'' replies Mohammed,
''I wanted to, but they would not let me.
Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me,
calling me nasty names and asking to see
under my jacket in case I had explosives.''
''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination'
I will give you a biscuit.''

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Some Animal cartoons

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The Genius of Peter Sellers

A Hard Days Night


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Welcome to

Intelligence test

Fred and Martha had applied for jobs at a large company

and had to take an intelligence test.

Though both of them found the test a breeze,

they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question:

"Name a 14-letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Martha.

"I thought it was tough at first....

then I thought of Superintendent."

"I think I got it right too," Fred said.

"But I wrote down Horticulturist."




Cool !!!!

Joe, Mike, Mary, and Tom were talking about their dream jobs.

"I want to be a lawyer," Joe began,

"so that I can defend my countrymen."

"I want to be a congressman," said Mike,

"so I can draft laws to benefit my countrymen."

"I want to be a doctor," said Mary,

"so that I can cure my countrymen."

"How about you, Tom? What would you like to be?" asked Joe.

Tom thought a moment and replied,

"I'd like to be a countryman."

---------------------------------

The Beatles


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Click to enlarge

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Check out this World Clock
http://www.stumbleupon.com/s/#1upXOa/www.shambles.net/worldclock/worldclock.swf/

thanks Don H

Two bakers lived in a small town.

They were highly competitive, but both had many customers.

This changed when one baker bought a new bread slicing machine

that cut four loaves at once.

He could serve people faster, so he soon got all the business in the town.

The other baker was forced to close.

The second baker went to the first and asked,

"How were you able to get all the business in town?

It seems that you got lucky all of a sudden."

The first baker replied, "I'm not sure.
I think it has something to do with the four-loaf cleaver I found."


-----------------------------------

Two men from Oklahoma were sitting at a bar,

when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger...

She gasped and gagged, and one Okie turned to the other and said,

"That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help."

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Okie hands,

and asked, "Kin ya swaller?"

Gasping, she shook her head no.

He asked, "Kin ya breathe?"

Still gasping, she again shook her head no.

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt.

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger

and began to breathe on her own.

The Okie sat back down with his friend and said,

"Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."

thanks Duke

--------

"About a month before he died,

my grandmother covered my grandfather's back with lard.

After that, he went downhill very quickly."

--Comic Milton Jones





Restaurant Puns

Donovan


--------------------

A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.

"Diploma," the friend calls after her,

"bring us two cups of coffee."

"Diploma? What an odd name," says the visitor.

"How did she get it?"

The friend sighs.

"I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon,

and that's what she came back with."

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For the wife

------------------------------------

Obama Jokes

The Assumption Parish Sheriffs Department

reported finding a man's body in Belle River

just south of the Spunky Monkey Tavern.

The man's name will not be released until his family has been notified.

The victim apparently drowned after consuming an excessive amount of alcohol.

He was wearing black fishnet stockings,

a red garter belt with matching bra,

bright red lipstick, eye shadow,

and an Obama T-shirt.

The deputy removed the Obama T-shirt

to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.

--------------------

This says it all:

I sat, as did millions of other Americans,

and watched as the government underwent

a peaceful transition of power a few months ago.

At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism

while Barack Obama took his Oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished

as I later watched 21 Marines,

in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.

It was then that I realized how far America 's Military had deteriorated..

Every one of them missed.

thanks Liz Z
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38 Calibre Circumcision


thanks Liz Z

------------------------

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog,

tied it under the shade of a tree

and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked,

'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand.

Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread.

She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'

The exasperated policeman said,

'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said,

'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog".

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed! expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

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