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The Next Pandemic..............
I went to a dinner party last night,
where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.
I awoke this morning not feeling well,
with what could be described as flu-like symptoms;
headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.
From the results of some initial testing,
I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.
This debilitating condition is very serious -
and it appears this is not an isolated case.
Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu.
To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs,
experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.
However, should your condition worsen,
you should immediately hire a DVD
and take some Nurofen (Nurofen seems to be the only drug available
that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu).
Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases.
If not, then further application of the original liquid,
in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.
Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening
and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.
NOTE
If you find you are complaining a lot,
it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu.
This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners
where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.

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So Cute [you've got 24 hours to stop tickling me]


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Paddy was thinking of buying a coffee maker
but was concerned it might be too complicated to operate.
The salesman assured him itwas easy to use.
"You simply put in the coffee and filter, fill the reservoir with water,
slide the switch to auto and go to bed.
When you wake up you can enjoy a steaming hot cup of coffee"
A few weeks later Paddy ran into his friend O'Riley.
"Paddy me boy, how are you enjoying your new coffee maker?"
"I had to take the stupid thing back" said Paddy,
"every time Ifancied a cup of coffee I had to go to bed"

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One of the best things about You Tube

is that you can watch great video's like this anytime you want

This is an advert for Pantene shampoo

This is a Thai Pantene television commercial.

Its simply brilliant.

The story of a deaf and mute girl who learns to play the violin against all odds.

One of the most touching advertisements Ive seen .

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LOL

Copy Cat

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At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser.

He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed,

and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers,

the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered,

"Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes,

and smacked the shite out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool.

He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar,

before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said,

"I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the Scouser replied. "Something about a job."

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Click on this link to see the planets revolving around the sun


http://www.stumbleupon.com/s/#2GbmRE/www.gunn.co.nz/astrotour?data=tours/retrograde.xml/

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Tommy Overstreet

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An Arab needed a heart transplant,

but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store

his blood type in case the need arises.

Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally.

So the call went out to a number of countries.

Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type

and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card

for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond

and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again.

His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank You card

and a box of Almond Roca sweets.

The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge

the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time.

So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed

his appreciation in not a very generous manner.

The Arab replied :

"Ya habibi !!,I have Jewish blood now, remember..!?

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Mugger Fail

thanks David J

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So now you know why!!

Makes Sense

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An Octogenarian, who was an avid golfer,

moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club.

He went to the Club for the first time to play,

but he was told there wasn't anyone with whom he could play

because they were already out on the course.

He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him

and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet.

The 80 year-old said,

"I really don't need any strokes, because I have been playing quite well.

The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well.

Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.

The old man had a nice drive,

but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the bunker,

he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole!

Birdie!,

match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap

where his opponent was still standing in the trap.

He said,

"Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

Replied the Octogenarian,

"I do. Please give me a hand."

Johnny Cash


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Computer errors

Maybe these are familiar to you

I can relate to this one!!!

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Why women have breasts




thanks Liz Z

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Chromosomal Quip
A woman gives birth to a baby…..

Afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says,

“I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says,

“What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor?

What’s wrong???”
The doctor says,

“Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly,

but your baby is a little bit different.

Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”
The woman says, “A hermaphrodite… what’s that???”
The doctor says,

“Well, it means your baby has the…er…features… of a male and a female.”
The woman turns pale.

She says,

“Oh my God! You mean it has a penis…AND a brain ???!!!”


stolen from.......Archies Archive

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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You’re An EXTREME Redneck When
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, “Hey, guys, watch this.”
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the “Star-Spangled Banner” are “Gentlemen, start your engines.”
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bonus Comment:

An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children.

They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”.

The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read in a recent article

that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican

and they didn’t want a Mexican baby

because neither of them could speak Spanish


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Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.