280

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¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨

A middle aged woman,

whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster,

responded publicly to the question posed by the gym...

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans)...

They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales.

They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp.

They play and swim in the seas,

seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynes ia.

Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.

They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.

They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.

If they did exist,

they would be lining up outside the offices of

Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis.

Fish or human?

They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them

not to mention how could they have sex?

Therefore they don't have kids either.

Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me;

I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea

that only skinny people are beautiful,

but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids,

a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver

and a piece of chocolate with my friends.

With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information

and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room

it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy,

we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

¨Good gosh, look how smart I am.¨

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Very funny .... click to enlarge

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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says,

"My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.

"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims,

"My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture,

and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks,

"Why do you wear a robe? We are married now."

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims,

"oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture."

He beams and asks why and she answers,

"So I can get it enlarged!"

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Our Animal Friends

-------------------------------

Don't judge too quickly

thanks Liz and Allan

-------------------------------------

Sheila, the Aussie housewife,

got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards,

she did the splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband,

"Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up.

"You're stuck fast girl! I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)

."They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"No way, we can't do it, "Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel

and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?," Cobber said,

"Not exactly a good time for that, mate!"

"No," Bruce replied,

"but I reckon if I can get her wet enough,

we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive."

stolen from...Miss Cellania

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Chandlelier of Stars...John Williamson

I've got everything

But nothing without you

C'mon down and see me

----------------------------------------------------

Signs

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean,

two prawns were swimming around in the sea -

one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed

and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian,

"I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn,

I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..

."As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator,

a mysterious cod appears and says,

"Your wish is granted", and lo and behold,

Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away,

afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...)

and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark.

All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again

and can't believe his luck.

Justin figured that the Cod could change him back into a prawn,

so he begs the fish to change him back

and lo and behold, he is instantly turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes,

Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy

and became a shark", came the reply

.Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture,

he set off to Christian's house.

As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted,

"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied

"No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me.I've changed."...................

"I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian

--------------------------------------------
Punny Toons

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Old guys

Two old guys were chatting.

The first old guy says to the second old guy,

"My 85th birthday was yesterday and the wife gave me an SUV."

The second old guy responded,

"Wow! That's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a GREAT gift!"

The first old guy says,

"Yep! Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

---------------------------------------------

Marty Robbins.....Mr Shorty


-----------------------------------

--------------------------------------------

In a small Texas town, (Mt. Vernon)

Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business..

. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening

with petitions and prayers.

Work progressed right up till the week before opening

when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that,

until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds

that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building,

either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility

or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork...

At the hearing he commented,

'I don't know how I'm going to decide this,

but as it appears from the paperwork,

we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer,

and an entire church congregation that does not.'


thanks Liz Z

---------------------------------

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Computers

----------------------------------

In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?

2. President of the largest gas company?

3. President of the New York stock Exchange?

4. Greatest wheat speculator?

5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.

. Now, 80 years later,

the history book asks us,

if we know what ultimately became of them..
The Answers:
1.. The president of the largest steel company.

Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,

Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE,

Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,

Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,

shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,

Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
However, in that same year, 1923,

the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament,

the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,

died in 1999 at the age of 95.

He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The Moral:

Forget work. Play golf.

----------------------------------------------

Everly Brothers...Don and Phil



------------------------------------


PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Classifieds
These classifieds actually ran in a Minneapolis newspaper - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica,

45 volumes.

Excellent condition.

$1,000 or best offer.

No longer needed,

Got married last month. Wife knows everything..

-thanks Duke

-------------------------------





Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.