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Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers,
when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers,
on their way to classes.
As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said,
‘Good morning sisters.’
The novices replied, ‘Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.’
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,
‘I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.’
This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall,
Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been
teaching at the convent for several years.
She greeted them with, ‘Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica,
may God give you wisdom for our students today.’
‘Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.’
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard,
‘She got out of the wrong side of bed today.’
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly,
or with an irritated look on her face.
She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching,
step by step, with her walker.
Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face,
before greeting Sister Mary.
‘Good morning, Sister Mary. I’m so happy to see you up and about.
I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.’
‘Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you.
I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.’
Mother Superior was floored!
‘Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant,
but three times already today, people have said that about me.’
Sister Mary stopped her walker,
and looked Mother Superior in the face.
‘Oh, don’t take it personal, Mother Superior.
It’s just that you’re wearing Father Murphy’s slippers

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Tiger Woods

stolen from....nonamedufus

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Click this link for some important information that you should know

http://bellsouthpwp.net/h/o/holm5215/Untilxmas/Index.html

thanks Liz Z

----------------------------

A man walks into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the end of it.

She is so beautiful he cannot take his mind off her,

so he calls the bartender over and says,

"Take that woman a drink on me."

The bartender says, "It won't work."

"What do you mean, it won't work?"

"That woman," says the barkeep, "is a hard-hearted bitch.

You won't get nowhere with her - nobody does!"

"Okay," says the guy. "How about this: you got any Spanish fly?"

"Spanish fly? No," says the bartender,

"I've got Jewish Fly."

"So, what the hell is Jewish fly?"

"I don't know; I've never used it. You want to give it a try?"

"Yes," says the guy, and the next chance he gets,

on his way to the men's room, he reaches behind her back

and drops the stuff in the woman's drink

.Nothing happens for a long time,

but then all of a sudden he feels her body close against his,

and her voice is whispering hotly in his ear,

and she's saying

"I can't stand it anymore!

You excite me so much...take me shopping!"

----------------------------------------------------------

It was 29 years ago , on December 8, 1980,

that former Beatle, songwriter, singer, musician, graphic artist, author

and peace activist John Lennon was shot four times in the back by Mark Chapman

as he entered the Dakota,

his luxury apartment building on Manhattan's Upper West Side,

opposite Central Park, at 23.00 local time.

Chapman said he had heard voices in his head

telling him to kill the world-famous musician.

He pleaded guilty to gunning down JL and is currently serving life in Attica .

In his solo career, Lennon wrote and recorded "Imagine"

an authentic hymn to peace and fraternity.

-----------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches..

2. There are no dental records.

-----------------------------------


Breakfast anyone??

Married 66 years

I met a man who had been married for 66 years.

"Amazing. 66 years!" I said.

"What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied,

"It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions

and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly.

"66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

-------------------------------------

Doctors

--------------------------
Its a Wonderful life

Do yourself a favour and watch this


-----------------------------------

JUST KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN

Tiger Wood & Stevie Wonder were talking one day

and Tiger was going on and on boasting about what a great golfer he was.

Finally, Stevie said,

“Really!! Well, I’m not a bad golfer myself!”
“What’s your handicap?”, asked Tiger.
“Two!”, was Stevie’s prompt reply.
“I’m a scratch golfer”, Tiger replied in amazement.

“How can you play to a two?”
“Well”, said Stevie, “when I drive, my caddy goes down the fairway

and stands about as far as I can hit and calls my name.

When I hear that, I drive the ball toward the sound of his voice.

This continues ‘til I’m on the green.

Then my caddy lies down with his head right at the hole,

calls my name and I putt right into the cup!”
“I’d love to see this”, said Tiger challengingly!
“I’ll play ya’ for $1,000 a hole”, Stevie replied.
“O.K.”, said Tiger”, when would you like to play?”
“Any night you choose”, said Stevie calmly.

thanks Duke
-----------------------------

BEARS

---------------------------------------------

Advice to NewlyWeds

"You're in incredible shape," the doctor said.

"How old are you again?"
"I am 78." The man said.
"78?" asked the doctor.

"How do you stay so healthy? You look like a 60 year old."
"Well, my wife and I made a pact when we got married

that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen

and cool off and I would go outside to settle down." the man explained.

"What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.

"I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."

-----------------------------------------


Men vs Women

Husband asks, ‘Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means

‘Without Information Fighting Everytime’!

’Wife replies, ‘No, it means

‘With Idiot For Ever’!!!

---------------------------

Bernie says to his wife Sarah,

"Let's go out tonight, darling and have some fun."

Sarah replies,

"OK, but if you get home before I do,

please leave the light in the hall on."

---------------------------------

A man went to have a tooth pulled, and the dentist said,

"I will need to give you an anesthetic."

The man said, "No, I don't need anything. Just pull the tooth."

The dentist said, "You won't be able to withstand the pain!"

The man said, "I have been through excruciating pain twice in my life.

Just pull the tooth."

The dentist pulled the tooth, and the man didn't even flinch.

The dentist said, "If pain experience left you with that pain tolerance,

I would like to know about it."

The man said, "I went on a hunting trip with three other men,

and we stayed in a cabin.

We hunted Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and when Thursday came,

all were tired but me...so I went out by myself.

When I got about four miles from the cabin, on snow-covered ground,

I realized I had to 'do my business.'

Knowing I couldn't make it back to the cabin, I decided to go right there.

I tucked behind a tree and dropped my pants and squatted down to go.

I didn't see the trap under the snow cover,

and when I squatted, my privates dropped in the trap and tripped it,

and it slammed shut on them."

The dentist said, "Wow! If that was the first time,

when was the second experience?"

The man replied, "When I ran out of chain on the trap."


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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Things only a man would do
1. Look in the tissue after blowing our nose.

2. Touch hot things, Just to see how hot it is.

3. Set off early, And arrive late

.4. Order food, And still keep looking at the menu.

5. Fart and be proud

.6. Put a sickipedia joke as our facebook status.

7. Beep at girls.

8. Dance to the toilet when out clubbing.

9. Call everyone mate.

10. Dance back from the toilet.

11. Put mobile phone in our front right pocket.

-------------------------------

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.