292

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Were you lucky enough to get a Blue Moon ?

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Surfing in Alaska

-------------------------------------

No More Women

These two blokes had just gotten divorced

and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again.

They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska

as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader`s store and told him,

"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one`s supplies

he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What`s that board for?"

The trader said,

"Well, where you`re going there are no women and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We`ve sworn off women for life!"

The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you,

and if you don`t use them I`ll refund your money next year.

"Okay," they said and left.

The next year this guy came into the trader`s store and said

"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said "Weren`t you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I killed him" said the guy.

Shocked, the trader asks

"Why?"

To which the guy replies,

"I caught him in bed with my board!"

--------------------------------------------

On a deserted Island

------------------------------------------

Bud Light



-----------------------------

Three vampires walk into a bar.

The waitress comes up to them

and asks them what they'll have.
The first vampire says,

"I'll have a glass of O Positive."
The second vampire says,

"I'll have a glass of AB Negative."
The third vampire says,

"I'm the designated driver.

I'll just have a glass of plasma."
The waitress turns toward the bartender and yells,

"Gimme two bloods and one blood lite!"

----------------------------------------

Have a go at this game

I can average about 97% [pretty slow]

http://www.lumosity.com/games/speed-match

-----------------------------------------

Twelve monks were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden

while a nude model danced before them.

Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates,

and they were told that anyone whose bell rang

would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of purity.

The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response,

until she got to the final monk

.As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground.

Embarrassed, he bent over to pick up the bell....

and all the other bells went off!

--------------------------------------------------

Those Funny Animals

-----------------------------------


Roy Kelton Orbison

(April 23, 1936 December 6, 1988)

was an influential Grammy Award-winning American singer-songwriter,

guitarist and a pioneer of rock and roll whose recording career

spanned more than four decades.

Orbison is best known for the songs, "Only the Lonely," "In Dreams,"

"Oh, Pretty Woman," "Crying," "Running Scared," and "You Got It".

He was known for his smooth high baritone voice,

with a range of at least two and a half octaves.

He was rarely seen on stage without his trademark tinted prescription glasses.

In 1987, he was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,

and in 1989, he was posthumously inducted into the Songwriters Hall of Fame.

Orbison was born in Vernon, the seat of Wilbarger County in north Texas.

He was the second son of Nadine Shults and Orbie Lee Orbison.

His family moved to Fort Worth around 1943 to find work

in the munitions and aircraft factories which had expanded

during the Second World War.

They moved to the West Texas oil town of Wink in Winkler County

near the border of New Mexico, in late 1946.

Music became an important part of Orbison's family life.

In 1949, at the age of 13,

Orbison organized his first band "The Wink Westerners".

When not singing with the band, he played guitar and wrote songs.

The band appeared weekly on KERB radio in Kermit, Texas.

Orbison graduated from Wink High School in 1954,

then attended North Texas State College in Denton, Texas,

studying history and English.

The Wink Westerners had some success on local television

and were given 30 minute weekly shows on KMID and KOSA.

One guest on their show was Johnny Cash,

who advised them to seek a contract with his record producer

Sam Phillips of Sun Records.

At first, Phillips turned them down,

but he eventually agreed to add the band to Sun Records' roster

after hearing a recording made at Norman Petty's studio in Clovis, New Mexico.

The Wink Westerners were renamed "The Teen Kings",

and Orbison left college in March, 1956 determined to have a career in music.

He ultimately headed for Sun Records in Memphis, Tennessee.

------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------



Lyrics...

Everyone you know's been through it

You bite the bullet then you chew it

Tie the knot at the end of your rope

Buy a book to help you cope

butNo consolation gonna come

You're the only one

Take a look through history

Recant some bits of poetry

You'll find the words still ring true

Somethings don't changeSomethings do

And you're the only one with a broken heart

The only one who's afraid of the dark

The only one in a crowded room

The only one who sees a blue moon

What you wouldn't give right now

To be another face in the crowd

And you're the only one who is all alone

The only one who's love is gone

The only one who has given in

The only one who will give again

And you're the only one with a broken heart

The only one who is afraid of the dark

The only one in a crowded room

The only one who sees the blue moon

----------------------------------------------------

A man went to see a psychiatrist because he had multiple personalities.

Sometimes he thought he was a character from an opera.

At other times, he thought he was a German soldier.

The psychiatrist was perplexed by the man's problem.

After many sessions,

the psychiatrist still couldn't find a cause for the man's split personality.

But it was clear that the man

didn't know if he was Carmen or Goerring.

------------------------
'In Star Wars, Chewbacca was raised on Earth by human parents.

He was an excellent athlete and played baseball for the Los Angeles Dodgers.

His first year in the big leagues he batted .300 and was named

WOOKIE of the year.'

--------------------------

In Star Wars, why did the Evil Empire leave Catholic nuns alone?

Force of habit.
------------------------------

-----------------------------------------------

------------------

Good things about being a Woman

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls,

and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous

(Guys look like complete idiots in ours).

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character

or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way

to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

Although a bright and able man,

my husband is almost completely helpless when faced

with even the simplest domestic chore.

One day, in exasperation, I pointed out to him that our friend,

Betty had taught her husband Frank,

to cook, sew and do laundry, and that if anything ever happened to Betty,

Frank would be able to care for himself.

Then I said, "What would you do if anything happened to me?"

After considering that possibility for a moment, my husband said happily,

"I'd move in with Frank!"

------------------------------------------

--------------------

The above two pictures were

stolen from..... Fengtastic

-------------------------------------

------------------------------

One for the road

------------------------------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

[with a little help from Calvin and Hobbes]

Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.