293


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Moonwalking Bird



stolen from.....Miss Cellania
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Tiger Woods

above item stolen from........Bits and Pieces

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Not meant to offend anyone

Posted in the name of "Phun"

A couple of movie critics were discussing old movies

and wondered whatever happened to Tarzan.

So they decided to look for him and ask him a few questions.

Finally they located him and the conversation went like this:

Tarzan how come we haven't seen you in a movie in a long time?

Well, I've had a bad case of arthritis

and I can't swim anymore or jump from branch to branch.

What about Jane, Tarzan?

Jane is in really bad shape. She has Alzheimers

and doesn't know who I am anymore. What a shame.

What can you tell us about your son Boy?

Well, we don't see much of Boy lately.

He stopped going to school and he only comes around to see us

when he needs money or a favor.

That's sad Tarzan.

What about Cheetah? Have you heard anything about her?

Oh Cheetah. She's really doing well.

She married a lawyer and is now living at the White House.

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Song for the Mira

Celtic Woman and Anne Murray

Out on the Mira one warm afternoon

,Old men go fishing with black line and spoon

And if they catch nothing they never complain,

I wish I was with them again.

As boys in their boats call to girls on the shore,

Teasing the one that they really adore,

And into the evening the courting begins,

I wish I was with them again.

Can you imagine a piece of the universemore fit for princes and kings?

I'll give you ten of your citiesfor Marion bridge and the pleasure it brings

Out on the Mira on soft summer nights

Bonfires blaze to the children's delight

They dance round the flames singing songs with their friends;

I wish I was with them again.

And over the ashes the stories are told

Of witches and werewolves and Oak Island gold

The stars on the river they sparkle and spin;

I wish I was with them again.

Can you imagine a piece of the universemore fit for princes and kings?

I'll give you ten of your citiesfor Marion bridge and the pleasure it brings

Out on the Mira the people are kind

,They'll treat you to home-brew and help you unwind.

And if you come broken they'll see that you mend

I wish I was with them again.

And thus I conclude with a wish you go well

,Sweet be your dreams, may your happiness swell,

I'll leave you here, for my journey begins,

I'm going to be with them,

going to be with them,

I'm going to be with them again.

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Smart Kid

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On a train from London to Manchester,

an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy.

You set yourselves apart too much.

You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us.

Look at me...I'm me,

I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.

What do you say to that?"

So the Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

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Nuts

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A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives

how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English,

so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and replies "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says

"This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and replies "Rock."

The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results

when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy romantic activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe

how to be civilized and kind to each other,

so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied: "My bike."

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Those funny animals

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Why are we there?

Every day there are news reports about more deaths.

Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force,

but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have sloppy leadership.

Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of.

Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand.

Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt

and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear..

*
*
*
*
*
*

.WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!!!

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Featured Artist

Waylon Jennings


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Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint.

Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.

The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is X-rayed the same day

and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting three weeks for an appointment,

then waits eight weeks to see a specialist,

then gets an X-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week

and finally has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.

The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

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Married Life

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One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds.

He'd walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before.

Curious and brave, he began to climb.

Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds,

and saw this rather large, homely woman lying there on a cloud.

She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing.

He came upon another level of clouds,

and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.

She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb.

On another level of clouds,

he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.

She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!"

Harry really liked his advantage now!

He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level,

he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.

"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered.

Harry couldn't believe his eyes, but his greed caught the best of him.

He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar.

Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him.

He looks over to see a 400-pound, 6'8" hairy biker looking guy with tattoos.

The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.

Apprehensively, Harry whispers, "Who are you?"

The biker answers, "I'm Cess

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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