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Well, I'm back after a few days off in Sydney

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A union plumber was called to woman's apartment
in New York to repair a leaking pipe.
When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the
woman was quite a luscious, well stacked dish
and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendl
.About 5.30 p.m., the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone
"He's on his Way home, but is going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief.
"What? On my own time?"

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Helicopter crash near Broome

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[Broome is a city in NW Western Australia]

Thanks Gordon H
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A couple of days ago was the anniversary of the passing of

Nat King Cole

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One Monday morning Phil the Postman
is cycling through the neighborhood on his usual route ,
delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars
were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner,
coming out with a load of empty beer and wine bottles
for the recycling bin.
''Morning, Derek, looks like you guys had a great party last night,'
Phil the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies
'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood
over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
Phil the Postman thinks a moment and says,
'How do you play 'WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go into the bedroom
and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us,
with only our erection showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women have to try and guess who it is.'
Phil the Postman laughs and says,
'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded
'Your name came up seventimes....'

Thanks Duke
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Those funny animals

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Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches

10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper

.3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent

: Oil Change: $40.00

Coffee: $2.00

Total: $42.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store

and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleanerand a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.

2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under caravan.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 19 mm ring spanner.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.

Curse and swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms.

Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver

through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter

splashing oil everywhere from holes.

Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in rubbish bin

to avoid environmental penalties.

Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor.

Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes

. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.

Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug

and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin swearing fit

. 26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow

. 30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oilspilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car is impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts: $50.00

Driving Under Influence fine: $2500.00

Impound fee: $75.00

Bail: $1500.00

Beer: $40.00

Total: $4,185.00

But you know the job was done right!

Thanks Charles and Rose

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Great Card Trick

Thanks Duke

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Once upon a time there were four older ladies.

They always sat outside and chatted about when they were younger.

One day they pooled their money together

and bought a laptop computer.

They always wanted to see what Florida was about

and they just happened to click on St. Augustine FL

and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" that was there

. They saved up all they could and sent for four bottles of the magic water

.As soon as it arrived, they drank as much as they could.

The rest of this story will make you a believer because here they are today.

TRUE!

I have a limited supply of this water available at $1250.00 a bottle.

HURRY BEFORE INVENTORY RUNS OUT

.No checks, please- cash only!

Thanks Liz Z

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From 1970


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Q: Did you hear about the gay burglar?

A: He couldn't blow the safe, so he went down on the elevator.

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Ads from days gone by

Thanks Ray S

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Doctor, Doctor I think I’m suffering from Deja vu.

Didn't I see you yesterday?

Thanks Duke

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Don't waste beer



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Thanks Liz Z
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My wife came home from the doctor's the other day

and said that he told her she couldn't make love.

I've known this for years.

I want to knowhow he found out!

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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table

one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked

. "I figure that you would eventually remarry

, And I don't want some asshole using my stuff..."

she looked at me and said:

"What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

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CAR SEX

The photographer must have used a very powerful lens to capture this scene

What did you expect to see?????
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A palindrome reads the same backwards as forward. This video reads the exact opposite backwards as forward. Not only does it read the opposite, the meaning is the exact opposite.This is only a 1 minute, 44 second video and it is brilliant. Make sure you read as well as listen...forward and backward



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.