305

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A Soviet journalist walked into the hospital and told the desk nurse,
"I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him.
"Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"
"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says
."But there is no such doctor," she replies.
"We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear,
nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor
."No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says:
"Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one,
why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."

stolen from Miss Cellania
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Faraway Eyes


Here are the lyrics:
I was driving home early sunday morning through bakersfield
Listening to gospel music on the colored radio station
And the preacher said,
you know you always have theLord by your side
And I was so pleased to be informed of this
that I ranTwenty red lights in his honor
Thank you jesus,
thank you lord
I had an arrangement to meet a girl,
and I was kind of late
And I thought by the time I got there shed be off
She'd be off with the nearest truck driver she could find
Much to my surprise,
there she was sittin in the corner
A little bleary, worse for wear and tear
Was a girl with far away eyes
So if youre down on your luck
And you cant harmonize
Find a girl with far away eyes
And if youre downright disgusted
And life aint worth a dime
Get a girl with far away eyes
Well the preacher kept right on saying
that all I had to do was sendTen dollars
to the church of the sacred bleeding heart of jesus
Located somewhere in los angeles, california
And next week theyd say my prayer on the radio
And all my dreams would come true
So I did,
the next week, I got a prayer with a girl
Well, you know what kind of eyes she got
So if youre down on your luck
I know you all sympathize
Find a girl with far away eyes
And if youre downright disgusted
And life aint worth a dime
Get a girl with far away eyes
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A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand
and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again
and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.
He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied,
"Well, sir, business is going so well
I decided to open another branch".
thanks Duke
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thanks Liz Z
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I recall my first time with a condom,
I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy A packet of condoms at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful womanAssistant behind the counter,
and she could see that I was new at it
. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I Honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.
' So she unwrapped the Package,
Took one out and slipped it over her thumb
. She cautioned me to make Sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused.
So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty.
It was Empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked It.
. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,
unbuttoned her Blouse and removed it
. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the condom on
. As I was slipping it on,
she dropped her skirt,
Removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she Said, 'We Don't have much time.
It was so wonderful,
thatUnfortunately,
I could no longer hold back
and KAPOW.
I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' She asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She beat the crap out of me...

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stolen from Tacky Raccoons

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Little Aussie Tow Jobs!
These are the most impressive thing you will see
on an Australian road system.
Because of their size and weight they are not able to move over
on the mainly dirt and gravel experimental highways out west .
The road shoulders are very soft and these big brutes stay well clear of them.
They also don't slow down as the approach you.
One of the scariest things you can do on the road is to attempt to pass one
as they don't slow, move over or assist you in anyway.
It seems to take a lifetime to get past one
and the whole time you must have two wheels on the soft shoulder
and the other two about bloody 12 cm away from the road train
.Another bonus is that you get your car cleaned as you pass a cattle train,
with cow piss!
and when they drive through a small township the smell almost knocks you down.
The big cattle movers seem to be the most uncaring and dangerous.
All that and they are still impressive beasts.

Thanks Charles and Rose
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Tour guide

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C.

The guide pointed out the place where George Washington

supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River

."That's impossible," said the tourist

. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "

A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

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More from the Swiss Drum Band

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Those funny animals

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Minister

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then,

but his passion was for peach brandy.

One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend,

hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed,

but his friend told him that he had to thank him

for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday

.In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left.

So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered

that he had to make a public announcement

that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church.

That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face,

waiting to see the minister's embarrassment

.The minister climbed into the pulpit and said,

"Before we begin, I have an announcement.

I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe,

for his kind gift of peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

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OOPS!!!!!!!!!!

-----------------------------------------------

Have been a fan of this group for sometime

Enjoy

stolen from Tacky Raccoons

-------------------------------------------------

Two vampires wanted to go out to eat . . . . ..

.but were having a little trouble deciding where to go.

They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania

and wanted something a little more exotic.

After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy

because they had heard that Italian food was really good

.So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice.

On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner.

A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way.

As they neared, the vampires made their move.

Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry

and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below.

The vampires were extremely pleased with their mea

l and decided to have seconds.

Another young couple approached a few minutes later

and suffered the same fate as the first -

sucked dry and tossed into the canal below

.Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.

In a short while a third young couple provides just that.

As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry

and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires had had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home.

As they started to walk away they began to hear singing

. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge.

As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal.

They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge,

feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang:

You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here it comes....

"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.