308
















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Berkowitz is having a drink at his hotel when he spots
a beautiful young woman at the other end of the bar
."Bartender," he says, "give that lady whatever she likes, and putit on my tab."
When the drink is delivered, the woman gives Berkowitz a warm smile
.A moment later he's at her side
."That was very kind of you," she says.
"Won't you sit down?"
After a few minutes of small talk, she says,
"Let me be honest with you. You're a very nice man,
but I don't think you realize that I'm a professional.
I'd be delighted to go upstairs with youfor a hundred dollars.
Now, if that's not what you had in mind, Icertainly understand,
and I'll say good-bye now, no hard feelings."
"I'm surprised," says Berkowitz.
"But you're a beautiful lady,and I like you, too.
I've never done something like this before,but sure, let's go upstairs."
When they get to Berkowitz's room, he says,
"I was wondering.
There's something about you that makes me think you might be Jewish."
"Well, I am," she replies a little defensively.
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm Jewish, too," says Berkowitz.
"And since we're both Jewish, I was hoping you would give me a discount."
"Dammit," she replies,
"I was afraid this would happen.
Okay,twenty percent off
But I want you to know, at these prices I'mnot making any profit!"

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Every town should have Mayor like this









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Veggies

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Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota.

It vas springtime, and da lakes vas yust beginning to thaw.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake

to da yeneral store to get him some smokes.

She asked him for some money, but he told her,

'Nah, yust put it on our tab'

. So she valked across, got da smokes at da yeneral store,

den valked back home across da lake.

Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes, she asked him,

'Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store.

Why didn't you yust give me some money?

'Ole replied, 'Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit any money

ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas.'

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Oh! What a Feeling

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Jud Strunk 1970's hit

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A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends,

and told that he may be drinking a bit too much

and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work

and effecting some of his relationships.

His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help.

He took their feelings to heart and joined AA.

At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin"

showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober).

He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile,

could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking?

He sets himself on the path and does so.

By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, he is tobacco-free,

and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact.

When he gets together with his friends,

they are amazed at what good health he is in,

and amazed that he is not only alcohol-free but also tobacco-free.

They applaud his dedication.

About a year later, he has another dinner party

and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay."

His straight friends -- as well as his gay friends -

- are totally amazed at this.

No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life!

"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked

."Was it just a choice of lifestyle change?" others asked.

"Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked.
"No, nothing so drastic," he replied.
"It's just when I quit smoking, I found everything TASTED different."

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Those Funny Animals

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Little Drummer Boy




thanks Duke
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A guy comes back from Greece and his friend asks if he saw the sights.
The guy says everyone told him to see the Parthenon
because it's so magnificent.
But the guy says he wasn't impressed; it was just a bunch of dirty, decrepit stones.
"How can you say that?" asks the friend.
"The Parthenon is legendary
. Are you some kind of philistine?
"No" says the guy.
"I just column like I see 'em."

---------------------------------------------

In olden days, a British sailor, sick of service in Her Majesty's Navy,
dove off this ship and started to swim for home
When his superior officers warned him that he was in very dangerous waters,
he kept swimming
and told them that as far as the Queen was concerned,
her barque was worse than her bight

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Wife: "I was a fool when I married you
."Husband: "I guess you were, but I was so infatuated at the time
I didn't seem to notice."

-----------------
Man: "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."

Friend: "Forgets everything, eh?"

Man: "No, remembers everything."


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For those who hate flying




thanks Elizabeth



Some cool pictures of planes

thanks Liz Z

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After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia,

Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep? "

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station.
My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.
She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for me
and we were lookina forward to da trip,
and open upa da luncha basket.
The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car.
Musta use a dining car.'
So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch
and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!
Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say,
'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.'
So, we go to cluba car.
While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.
The conductore, he waga is finger again and say
'No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car.'
"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.
Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.
We just about to go boombada boombada
and the conductore,
he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice.
'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Save the best for last

Patsy and Jim




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THE OLD COPPER TUB
© 1987 A. Lawrence Vaincourt.
When I was a kid I lived on a farm

,we were poor and the living was hard

For we hadn't a furnace or plumbing indoors

just a privy out in the backyard

.Not having a bathroom, Mom needed a spot,

our poor little bodies to scrub,

So on Saturday night by the old kitchen stove

we were bathed in a big copper tub.

T'was filled with warm water, we gathered around

then in turn all we kids would get in

And with a stiff brush and some good yellow soap

Mom would scrub off the dirt and the skin.

First came little sister, then wee brother Will

then finally, my turn came around

And I'd jump in that tub to soak and to scrub,in water quite muddy and brown.

Mom would stoke up the fire 'til the stove got quite hot

(of pneumonia she had a great fear)

As you stepped from the tub you were chilly in front

but toasted well done in the rear

.Once, I gave a great howl as I stooped for the towel

after that life was never the same.

For my poor little bottom was branded for life

with the stove manufacturer's name.

Now each Monday morning 'twas filled to the brim

and Mom gave our clothing a scrub,

And on Wednesday Dad mixed up the feed for the stock

(you guessed it) in the old copper tub

The rest of the time it hung in the she

and at noon, to call Dad for his grub,

Mom would take down a paddle that hung on the wall

and beat on the old copper tub.

I remember so well the sping I was ten

and the stream by our house was in flood,

Little brother and I to go sailing did try

and we borrowed Mom's big copper tub.

So bravely we paddled out into the current,

not realizing that was a flub

'Cause from three miles away we walked home that day

and we carried the old copper tub.

Since I have grown up life has treated me well,

I have prospered, yes that is the truth.

But one thing I have learned is that good times or bad

you will always remember your youth

.So when nostalgia strikes I like to think back

to when I was a carefree young cub

,How I took my bath on a Saturday nigh

tby the stove, in a big copper tub.

When my folks passed away and we sold the home farm,

the tub was battered and starting to leak

So we gave it away to the fellow next door,

not realizing it was an antique

.Now I have a fine home and the bathtub I own

is the latest in modern design.

Still, I sometimes think back to that old copper tub

and reflect how it should have been mine.

So a few days ago I went into town,

to an antique house known as The Hub;

Where for three hundred dollars, a bargain I'm sure,

I bought back the old copper tub

.Boy! my wife sure got mad, she yelled I'd been had

chased me out of the house with a club

.Still, I won't grieve, 'til she's over her peeve

I'll just sleep 'neath the old copper tub.

thanks Liz Z


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are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
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