309



Beer Boy



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A man suffered a serious heart attack
and had open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself
in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions
regarding how he was going to pay for services.
He was asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly.
"Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replies,
"Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

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This reminds that I must get into the great land out there this year

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Those funny animals

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A young Aussie joins the navy.

On the day he is about to go to sea,

his father warned him to be aware of gay sailors

."But Dad, how will I know?"

"Trust me son, you will know."

After 6 months at sea, the ship comes into port

.The father was on the dock waiting for his son.

The son, seeing his father, got off the ship and shook his hand

."Well on, how did it go?"

"Dad, I found out what you meant about gay sailors.

One night I was out on deck all alone when a man came by

and put his hand on my shoulder so I threw him overboard.

""But how could you tell he was gay?"

"Well, for 3 days he swam behind the boat yelling,"

"THROW ME A BUOY, THROW ME A BUOY!"

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Only Fools and Horses

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Sound Advice

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Endless nights and Dark Shadows

How many can you recognise??



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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad

in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher.

The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section

through which the railroad passed.

The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull

.The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace

in the back room of the general store.

The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered

the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job,

and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release

and took the check and cashed it in the store,

the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating

a little over his success, telling the rancher ...

"You are really a country hick, old man,

but I put one over on you in there.

I couldn't have won that case.

The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose

when the train went through your ranch that morning.

I didn't have one witness to put on the stand .. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied .

. "Well, I'll tell you young feller

, I was a little worried about winning that case myself,

because that durn bull came home this morning!!"

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Its just a modern world we live in!!

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Siblings

Some children are talking about their siblings

."My brother takes karate lessons," bragged little Pauly

."My sister takes gymnastics," said little Jim

.Not to be outdone,

Maury piped up, "My sister takes birth control pills!"

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Japanese Susan Boyle



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Joan had a system for labeling leftover meals in the freezer

. She would carefully note in large clear letters,

"Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables"

or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner,

he never asked for any of those meals.

She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests

. What he really likes.

So now you'll see a whole new set of labels:

"Whatever", "Anything", "I Don't Know", "I Don't Care",

"Something Good", or "Food"

.No more frustration for Joan

because no matter what her husband replies

when she asks him what he wants for dinner,

it's there waiting.
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Religion

The Baptist white lie cake

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group

in Tuscaloosa but forgot to do it until the last minute.

She remembered it the morning of the bake sale

and after rummaging through cabinets,

found an angel food cake mix & quickly got it made.

Then she washed and dried her hair, and dressed

and helped her son pack up for Scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven,

the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured.

She exclaimed, "Oh dear, I don't have time to bake another cake!"

This cake was important to Alice because

she did so want to fit in at her new church,

and in her new community of friends.

So, being inventive,

she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked the toilet paper roll in the center of the cake

and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look good, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and then head for work,

Alice woke her daughter

and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale

the moment it opened at 9:30

and to buy the cake herself and bring it back home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive,

perfect cake had already been sold.

Amanda grabbed her cell phone & called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself!

Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized,

talked about, ridiculed

!All that night,

Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her

and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake

and would attend the fancy luncheon

at the home of a fellow church member

and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was such a snob

who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact

that Alice was a single parent

and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa.

But having already RSVP'd that she would attend,

she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south

and well-attended by all the snooty upper crust ladies.

And to Alice 's horror,

the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it,

but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said,

"What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess

(who was a prominent church member)

say, "Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself,

"God is good."
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Gotta like this

Very clever, watch it till the end

Get Out
Uploaded by Esma-Movie. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

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Big Mac goes green

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

One Liners
I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet... he said "postage dew".
Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up.
The only thing that wakes you up faster than coffee is spilled coffee.
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
Odd that when a house burns down, the only things left standing are the chimney and the fireplace.
Only in America do we shop at places with limited parking, overpriced items, and long lines and insultingly, call them convenience stores.
Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?


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