349

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0:06 - 0:19 Play
0:20 - 0:40 Blow
0:41 - 0:48 Brake
0:49 - 1:14 Split
1:15 - 1:28 Running
1:29 - 1:44 Fly
1:45 - 2:07 Fall
2:08 - 2:37 Light
2:38 - 2:45 Space

-----

---
California:

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.

A coyote jumps out,

bites the Governor and attacks his dog.
1. The Governor starts to intervene,

but reflects upon the movie "Bambi"

and then realizes he should stop;

the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control.

Animal Control captures coyote

and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases

and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian.

The vet collects the dead dog

and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500

getting checked for diseases from the coyote

and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game

conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing

a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies

and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow

and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California

: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training

re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.

Arizona:

The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail

. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging.

The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that's why California is broke.

---

Panda Cheese

------

Happiness

-------------------------

Real ads from Scottish lonely-hearts column.-

Grossly overweight Buckie turf-cutter, 42 years old

and 23 stone, Gemini, seeks nimble sexpot, preferably South American,

for tango sessions, candlelit dinners and humid nights of screaming passion.

Must have own car and be willing to travel. Box 09/08-

Aberdeen man, 50, in desperate need of a ride. Anything considered. Box 06/03-

Heavy drinker, 35, Glasgow area, seeks gorgeous sex mad addict

interested in pints, fags, Celtic football club

and starting scraps on Sauchiehall Street at three in the morning. Box 73/82.-

Bitter, disillusioned Dundonian lately rejected by longtime fiancée

seeks decent, honest, reliable woman

if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches. Box 53/41-

Ginger-haired Partick troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops,

seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more. Box 84/87-

Artistic Edinburgh woman, 53, petite, loves rainy walks on the beach,

writing poetry, unusual sea-shells and interesting brown rice dishes,

seeks mystic dreamer for companionship,

back rubs and more as we bounce along like little tumbling clouds

on life's beautiful crazy journey.

Strong stomach essential Box 12/32-

Chartered accountant, 42, seeks female for marriage.

Duties will include cooking, light cleaning

and accompanying me to office social functions

. References required. No time wasters. Box 23/45-

Bad-tempered, foul-mouthed old b*st*rd living in a damp cottage

in the arse end of Orkney seeks attractive

21-year old blonde lady with big chest. Box 40/27-

Devil-worshiper, Stirling area, seeks like-minded lady for wining and dining,

good conversation, dancing, romantic walks

and slaughtering dogs in cemeteries at midnight

under the flinty light of a pale moon. Box 52/07-

Attractive brunette, Maryhill area,

winner of Miss Wrangler competition at Framptons Nightclub,

Maryhill, in September 1978,

seeks nostalgic man who's not afraid to cry,

for long nights spent comfort-drinking and listening to old Abba records.

Please, Please! Box 30/41-

Govan man, 27, medium build, square heid, big moustache

and curly hair, seeks alibi for the night of February 27

between 8pm and 11.30pm

-------------------------

-------------------

Those funny Animals

-----------------------

Some good advice

1. Money is not everything. There's also Mastercard & Visa.

2. One should love animals.They are tasty too.

3. Save water. Drink beer.

4. Studying is healthy, So leave it for the sick.

5. Books are holy. So don't touch them.

6. Love your neighbour but never get caught.

7. Everyone should marry because happiness is not the only thing inlife.



--------------------


SOMETHING AUSSIE

---------------------

Late one Sunday afternoon,

a blonde woman from a small town was

taking a long walk through a nearby meadow.

She was surprised when she saw a parachutist

trapped in the high branches of a tree.

"Hellp!" he cried when he spotted her...

"What are you doing up there?" she called back.

"I was skydiving," he answered,

"and my parachute didn't open!"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Well, of course it didn't.

If you'd just asked one of the locals,

ANYBODY could've told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!"


------

New driver
The 17-year-old blonde had just gotten her driver's license.

She pulled into a gas station,

drove up to the full-service pumps and asked the attendant,

"Fill it up, please."
"What grade, miss?"
"Eleventh!"


------------------

GOLF

Three golfers, Jesus, Moses and an old man, get to the 18th tee.

It’s all tied.

All three have the same score

.Jesus’ second shot goes into the water and lands on a rock.

He walks on the water out to the ball and hits it within a foot of the hole

Moses` second shot also goes into the water and sinks.

He parts the water and then hits his ball within a foot of the hole.

The old man also hits his second shot into the water,

but it lands on a water lilly.

A frog comes out of the water and takes the ball.

Just then a bird swoops down and grabs the frog and carries him,

with the ball, right over the 18th hole

where the frog drops the ball right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says,

“You know, I really hate playing with your Dad.”

thanks Toni

thanks Toni for the toons

---

Three guys are golfing with the club pro.

First guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards.

He turns to the pro and says,

"What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.

He asks the pro

"What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice into a pond.

He asks the pro,

"What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls,

the first guy finally speaks up.

He says to the pro,

"The three of us hit completely different tee shots

and when we asked you what we did wrong

you gave the same exact answer each time, what is 'loft?'

"The pro says,

"Lack Of F#%king Talent."

-----

There was a large book publishing company

which finally updated to the 21st century.
They computerised.
They computerised their accounts.
They computerised their typesetting.
They computerised their payroll.
Then they set out to computerise their art department.
Here they ran into problems.

It was a decision of middle management

that all art-work be in the same format.

There were deep and meaningful discussions

about PICT files and TIFF formats yet no one

really knew what they were talking about.
Finally they imported a computer expert.
He talked about PNG’s and JPG’s were described as too Lossy.
Finally he suggested the Graphics Information Format.

This seemed to fulfil all the required conditions

so they thanked the expert and paid him up

and sent him to do further nerdish things.
That was when all their computers crashed.

To get the definition and quality required,

the artwork files were far too large for the computer system

being used by the publisher.

A completely new and much larger system

had to be installed at great cost.
The Board of Directors had to get involved

so they sent a memo to Middle Management

suggesting that they beware of geeks bearing GIFs.
There is an obvious moral to this tale of woe:

beware of geeks bearing GIFs

-------------

Blast from the Past




---------------------



Religion

---------------------

This clock has been around for awhile

but has recently been updated

Clicl link

http://www.poodwaddle.com/worldclock.swf


thanks Karon L




----------------------





PHILS PHILOSOPHY

THATS ALL FOLKS

but i leave you with this awesome video



thanks Toni




--

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.