350

---

Australia goes to the polls this Saturday

and this is my first and last comment on the elections

A group of Australian Politicians communicating with one another

With the two major parties treating the general public like idiots.

My vote might go this way

At least if I'm gonna get screwed I might as well get screwed properly



----------------------------

SOMETHING AUSSIE

-------------------

This made me laugh out loud

It was a worringly hot summer's day when the doorbell rang.

A doorbell that plays 'We wish you a Merry Christmas'

seemed like a good idea six months ago,

but things change, people change.

Upon opening the door I was confronted by a child

who couldn't have been older than ten

.'I’m sorry to bother you,' he said

'But I’m here to talk to you about a very exciting... thing.'

There was a hint of Scottish in his accent

and his confident manner unsettled me.

'Tell me, do you ever send mail?'

I nodded in agreement, whilst putting my foot behind the door,

ready to stop any sudden advance.

'That’s great.' he said. 'Now, if you don’t mind me asking, how do you do that?

''Well I just write a letter then post it.' I told him.

'And you do that on paper?'

Once again I nodded in agreement

.'Now there’s your problem right there.

The reason I’m here is to offer you this opportunity

to purchase these genuine mail tiles for a low, low price.'

He made a step to his left,

revealing the two foot high pile of rusty brown tiles behind him

.'Why the heck would I want to send my mail on a tile, boy?' I said,

half relieved he wasn't trying to make me join a cult,

half annoyed at my time being wasted

.'The reason is very simple.

Say, for example, a colleague or associate had borrowed a DVD,

maybe your favourite DVD, and he’d had it for over six months.

Well, you wouldn’t want to put a brick through his window to get it back, would you?

You need to save that heavy stuff for your enemies

. And what’s a letter going to do when he can just recycle or set fire to it?

You need to show you mean business, but how?

Mail tiles. Plain and simple.

It’s the perfect balance, like a miniature brick for slotting through letterboxes.

When he arrives home and sees a tile on his doormat

you can be sure that DVD’s gonna be on your desk come Monday morning.

And if it’s not, you could easily stick a couple of tiles together

to make something similar to a brick.

So what do you say? Can I put you down for a hundred?

''Son, where in God’s flowers did you get all these tiles?' I asked.

'I run a small factory. That much I can assure you.' he said,

trying to offer me a business card written on the back of a train ticket.

After politely, but firmly,

declining his offer I asked that he never knock my door again.

When he said he'd rung the doorbell

I told him to watch his goddamn cheek.

Give a kid a factory and he thinks he owns the world

It would be nearly two days before I noticed the rain coming in through my ceiling

---

--

Those Funny Animals

-----------------------

Scary Stuff!!!



thanks Liz Z

---------

A bloke was sitting on a bus when a gorgeous woman

next to him starts breastfeeding her baby.

The baby won’t take it so she says,

“Come on, eat it all up or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again,

“Eat it all up or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”

The bloke says,

“Listen, love, can you make your bloody mind up,

I should’ve got off four stops ago!”

-------------------------

KIDS

---------------------

A young mother sat down on the bus next to an older woman.

"What a sweet baby!" exclaimed the older woman.

"How old is he?"

"Thank you, ma'am," said the young mother.

"He'll be three months old this week."

I met traveling salesman at a dance at the town hall a year ago.

They always have so many things to sell.

This salesman is what my gramps used to call a flim-flam man.

"Well to make a long story short this salesman asked me out.

I promised my gramps I wouldn't sign nothing and gramps let me go."

"Oh, that is sweet, but you didn't sign any contracts.

Those traveling salesmen can be persistent," the older woman sighed sagely

"Well, I didn't sign anything," the young woman said proudly.

I kept a firm NO on my lips until the end of the dance."

"Good for you! And what's your baby's name honey?"

"My last name is Samples.

My baby's name is Free Samples."



------------------------

Remember Trinity




from the movie "Trinity is still my name"


------------------------




oops!!!

-----------------------------

· I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently,

to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said,

“Don’t worry, it’s normal to get an erection during this kind of examination. “
I said, “I haven’t got an erection!”
She replied, “No, but I have!”

------------------------

Blasts from the Past



-----

-----------

PHILS PHILOSOPHY

-----------------

A man called home to his wife and said,

'Darling , I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada

with my boss & several of his friends.

We'll be gone for a week.

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting,

so could you please pack enough clothes for a week

and set out my rod and fishing box,

we're leaving from the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up'

'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. '

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is,

did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired

but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home

and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes.

But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?'
You'll love the answer,folks.

......... . . . . . . . . .
The wife replied,

'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box

thanks Josie J

---------------------------

------------------

CHEERS!!!

----------------------------

Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.

Paddy said, “I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight.”
His wife asked, “What is that?”
Paddy told her, “You bend over, put your hands on the floor

then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!”
His wife said, “Hmm, okay, I’ll do it on two conditions.

First, if it hurts you stop immediately and, second, …

we don’t go down past my mother’s house!”


--------------------

but I leave you with this

Iam a great fan of Cajun music





------

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.