423

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stolen from Miss Cellania

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While shopping in a food store,

 two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler.

 One nun said to the other,

 "Wouldn't a nice cold beer or

two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered,

 "Indeed it would sister,

 but I would not feel comfortable buying beer

as I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout."

"I can handle that without a problem."

she replied as she picked up a six-pack

 an headed for the checkout.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face

when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

One of the nuns explained

 "We use beer for washing our hair,

a shampoo of sort, if you will."

Without blinking an eye,

 the cashier reached under the counter,

pulled out a package of pretzel sticks

 and placed them in the bag with the beer.

 He looked the nun straight in the eye, said,

 "The curlers are on the house."

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My Good friend Duke sent me these wonderful Black and White images from days gone by.

Will publish a few more next issue

thanks Duke

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rememember these two??

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Subject: Hellman's mayonaise

Free to you so that you may be better informed.

Hellmann's Mayonnaise - a bit of history.

Most people don't know that back in 1912,

 Hellmann's mayonnaise wasmanufactured in England .

 In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars ofthe condiment

scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico ,

 which was to be the next port of call

 for the great ship after its stop in New York .

This would have been the largest single shipment

 of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico

. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to NewYork .

The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise,

 and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

 Their anguish was so great, that they declared

 a National Day of Mourning, 

 which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th

 and is known, of course, as -

 Sinko De Mayo.

WHAT??? You expected something educational from me?

You need a shot of Tequila after that don't you?

thanks Kitty L

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Those funny animals

My first fish

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Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland

 for so long, that he decides to take a vacation.

He has never been married and he is curious as

 to what an American endures in everyday life.

 So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late.

 He hops on the plane bound for Nevada.

He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas.

As he is exiting the plane,

 someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims,

 "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis!

 How have you been?"

Father looks at her and says,

 "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis?

 I don't look a thing like Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside.

 He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby,

"Take me to my hotel and step on it."

The cabby turns and says,

 "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead!

 I'm your number one fan!

It's so great to see you!"

"Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis!

 Now turn around and drive!"

 So the cabby speeds up to the hotel.

Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk.

"You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen.

 We saved everything just the way you like it!

 Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and fried banana sandwiches, masseurs,

complementary hookers and a full liquor bar!

I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says,

"Thank you.. Thank you very much!"

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Which situation is worse???

thanks Kitty L

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Dear President Obama:

I am writing today with a somewhat unusual request.

 I ask that you return America to its August 20th, 1959 borders

 so that Hawaii is no longer a state and you are no longer a citizen.

Thank you,

Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu

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WalMart  pictures

thanks Geoff C

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CHECK THIS OUT

Click here: Old school talent. [VIDEO]

Obviously a child genius!

 Here is THE Little Richard at age 5 playing the piano and singing.

thanks Duke

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This as sent to me by Liz Z

and is written from a women's perspective

When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed

 and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.

They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl

with a figure carved from a potato chip.　

The mature woman has a choice.

 She can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt,

 coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia,

or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store

 trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts

 to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have?

 I wandered around, made my sensible choice

 and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.

 The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material.

The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe,

 by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot,

 which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one,

you would be protected from shark attacks.

Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit,

 but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror....

my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.

 It took a while to find the other.

At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.

 The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump.

 I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full-view assessment.

The bathing suit fitted all right,

but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it.

 The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.

I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from,

 the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain,

 "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

 I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape,

 and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills

 and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg

I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit,

 it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.

 It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

 My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read,

 "Material might become transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near

 any other body of water this year and I'm there too,

I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.

 Life isn't about how to survive the storm,

 but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!

thanks Liz Z

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Today's Music

DONOVAN

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There was once a general store in central Kansas back around 1900.

The owner was an elderly man who went to church for a long time.

 The store always had hose two or three "older gentlemen"

that you always see on the front porch talking about "the war" or how it used to be.

Anyway, this certain storeowner had the habit of quoting Scripture

every time he made a transaction,

 and it was always a different verse.

It got to where the old men on the porch came in

 every time a customer showed up just to hear what the verse was going to be.

Well, one day, a Texan came in and inquired

 about the rug that was hanging on the wall.

 The man asked about the price of the rug,

and the owner told him $400.

 But, the owner and the old men all knew that the true worth was about $200.

So the Texan thought it over and said,

 "I'll take it!"

 He bought the rug and left the store.

The old men stared at the owner in anticipation of what possible Scripture

 could follow such a dishonest act.

The owner said

, "He was a stranger, and I took him in.

thanks Toni

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Grim Reaper

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"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little girl," said the preacher.

 "You just marry her, and you'll be at the end of your troubles."

The man did 'the right thing' and married the girl.

 About six months later, when he saw the preacher again, he tried to murder him!

 "You miserable liar!" shouted the young man.

 "You told me if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.

 Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable!"

"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied the minister.

"I said you'd be at the end of your troubles

, but I never said WHICH end."

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Golf Carts

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thanks Jayne M

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thanks Kittyy L

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 PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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Picture of the Day

LA Freeway

Western Australia

 Grimwade camping area near Kirup in the SW

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.