432

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More Red Green

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It started out innocently enough.

 I began to think at parties now and then –

 just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.

Inevitably, though, one thought led to another

 and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone — “to relax,”

 I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true.

Thinking became more and more important to me,

and finally I was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.

One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life.

 She spent that night at her mother’s.

I began to think on the job.

 I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix,

but I couldn’t help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime

 so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, Camus and Kafka.

 I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking,

“What is it exactly that we are doing here?”

One day the boss called me in.

 He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this,

 but your thinking has become a real problem.

 If you don’t stop thinking on the job,

you’ll have to find another job.”

This gave me a lot to think about.

 I came home early after my conversation with the boss.

 “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking…”

“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said,

 “and I want a divorce!”

“But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.”

 “It is serious,” she said, her lower lip aquiver.

“You think as much as college professors

 and college professors don’t make any money,

 so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”

“That’s a fallacious syllogism,” I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration,

 but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.

“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke.

 I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio

 and ran up to the big glass doors.

They didn’t open. The library was closed.

To this day,

 I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night..

Leaning on the unfeeling glass and whimpering for Emerson,

 a poster caught my eye,

 “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked.

 Stop before it’s too late for you.

You probably recognize that line.

 It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.

This is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.

I never miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video;

last week it was “Porky’s.”

 Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

 Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step…

 I joined the Democratic Party

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Phones

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This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said,”Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.”

 So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color,

 unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no clue who their daddies are.

They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Wow, this is a great country.

-----------

So you think you can Park!!

thanks Liz Z

---

Golf

Man Killed on Golf Course...

 The Price of Honesty

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee

while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee.

 The ladies are taking their time.

When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet.

 Then she goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the waiting men and says apologetically,

 "I guess all those f**king lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds,

 "Well, there you have it.

 You should have taken golf lessons instead!"

He never even had a chance to duck.

 He was 43.

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Those Funny Animals

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--

thanks Gordon H

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DAD MEETS NEW BOYFRIEND

My daughter just walked into the living room and said,

 "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out,

 throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV,

 and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters."

Then she said, "Sell my new car, take my front door key away from me

and throw me out of the house.”

Then she said, "Disown me and never talk to me again.

 And don’t forget to write me out of your will

 and leave my share to my brother."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that...

she actually said,

 "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohamed."

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Here's the truth......................

Imagine living with 3 wives in one compound

and never leaving the house for 5 years

- It is now believed that Bin Laden called the US Navy Seals himself.

thanks Kitty L

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FAIL

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In 1873, a team of German explorers and their three dogs

 decided to penetrate the heart of the South American jungle.

 After twelve years, they had set up a fort in an Incan town,

 the centerpiece of which was a large idol with a huge ruby for an eye.

The German church had sent out their best man,

 Friar Wilhelm Werks three times to check on the progress of the fort,

 and each time the appearance of the idol had sent him into fits of screaming,

complete with shouts, curses, and rending of garments.

Each time, he screamed so loud that he sent the dogs running for cover.

 And each time, he left with a warning that the next time he visited,

 the idol had better be torn down.

The commander of the fort, Hans Brickner,

received a message that Werks would be coming to visit again in a fortnight.

He quickly called a meeting with his top commanders.

 All five agreed that the Friar would explode when he saw the idol still standing.

"But," said Commander Brickner, "there's nothing to be done.

 If we take down the idol, we will anger the local tribe,

 and without their cooperation we're dead."

His second-in-command, Herr Kommandant Wagner said,

 "In that case, we'd better make sure we put the dogs away."

"Why?"

"You know how scared the dogs get when Friar Werks goes off on the Fort of Jewel Eye."

thanks Toni

An ant knocks on the door of a house.

The house owner opens the door.

 "I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost," said the owner.

The ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

 After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested to the owner,

 "Can you please allow this ant to stay with me?"

"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent," said the owner.

After some more days, the ant brought one more ant

 and requested the owner to allow the ant to stay with it.

 The owner agreed to it without asking for any rent.

This continued as the ant brings in one more and and the owner agrees for it.

One fine day, the ant brought in a tenth ant and requested the owner

 to allow him also to stay with it.

 The owner said, "OK, you can all stay here but you all need to pay rent."

Now the question is:

 Why did the owner ask for rent when the last ant came in?

Because they are now tenants! --

Stan Kegel

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Why Women outlive Men

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While creating husbands,

 God promised women that good and ideal husbands

would be found in all corners of the world.

And then he made the earth round.

That God ...... He's such a joker.

thanks Liz Z

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Man Flu

Proper Proof…….

"Man-Flu ... Contains No Artificial Comfort or Sympathy"

Man-Flu - The Facts...

1. Man-Flu is more painful than childbirth. This is an irrefutable scientific fact*.

*(Based on a survey of over 100,000 men.)

2. Man-Flu is not 'just a cold'.

 It is a condition so severe that the germs from a single Man-Flu sneeze

 could wipe out entire tribes of people living in the rainforest.

 And probably loads of monkeys too.

3. Women do not contract Man-Flu.

 At worst they suffer from what is medically recognised as a 'Mild Girly Sniffle' –

 which, if a man caught, he would still be able to run,

 throw a ball, tear the phone book in half and compete in

all other kinds of manly activities.

4. Men do not 'moan' when they have Man-Flu.

They emit involuntary groans of agony that are entirely

 in proportion to the unbearable pain they are in.

5. Full recovery from Man-Flu will take place

 much quicker if their simple requests for care, sympathy

 and regular cups of tea are met. Is that really so much to ask?

 Florence Nightingale would have done it.

6. More men die each year from MFN (Man-Flu Neglect)

 than lots and lots of other things.

 (Like rabbit attacks or choking on toast).

7. Men suffering from Man-Flu want nothing more than to get out of bed

and come to work, but they are too selfless to risk spreading this awful condition

amongst their friends and colleagues.

 In this sense, they are the greatest heroes this country has ever known.

8. In 1982 scientists managed to simulate the agonising symptoms of full

blown Man-Flu in a female chimp.

 She became so ill that her head literally fell off.

9. Man-Flu germs are more powerful than He-Man,

The Thundercats and The A-Team combined.

 They are too strong for weak, nasty tasting 'lady medicines' like Lemsip,

 so don't bother trying to force them on a victim of Man-Flu.

10. While it may seem like a Man-Flu sufferer

is just lying around enjoying 'Diagnosis Murder'

it is a commonly recognised medical fact that the exact pitch

 and frequency of Dick Van Dyke's voice has remarkable soothing powers.

Every minute in this country one man is struck down by Man-Flu.

 Women, all we ask is that each of you offers them a cup of tea,

 some kind words and your undivided attention and care.

Then maybe, just maybe, we'll beat this monstrous disease together...

thanks Gordon H

[always trying to get me into trouble]

 

I was going away for a few days and left my husband a list of chores.

 For fun, I put down as Item #5:

 "Think about your wife a lot."

After I returned, my husband proudly reported

 that he had completed every job.

 When I saw the list, however,

 each item except No. #5 had been crossed off.

"What's this!" I exclaimed.

 "Didn't you think about me while I was gone?"

My chagrin vanished when he replied cheerfully,

 "I started to, but just never finished."

=============================

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends

when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that.

 My wife and I have a great relationship,"the husband explained.

 "She was a communications major in college

and I majored in theatre arts."

 He continued, "She communicates well and I act like I'm listening."

thanks Toni



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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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are understood to be in the public domain.

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