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2011 in review

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XMAS

 A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon

. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared".

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate’s cell phone and demanded:

 "Where the hell are you!?"

The husband said,

 "Darling - do you remember that jewelery shop where you saw that diamond necklace

 and totally fell in love with it?

 I didn't have money to buy it for you then, but I told you

, 'Sweetheart, one day that necklace will be yours.'"?

The wife, blushing and with a smile replied,

 "Yes, my darling! I remember that day!"

To which the husband said,

 "Well, I'm in the bar next to that shop."



Redneck Xmas



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GOTTA LOVE THIS

http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=2007134554829&source=jl999

thanks Kitty L

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2011 Fails

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A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer.

 The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has in training.

 It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them.

 If it doesn't win today,

 the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is 30 lengths behind the pack after only half a furlong.

 He gives the horse an great backhand on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of sharp slaps on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says,

 "Will you stop it with that whip?

I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk!"

thanks Toni S

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thanks Kitty L

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It happens

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Vintage Car Crashes

thanks Gordon H

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Those Funny Animals

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English Mastiff Dog

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LOST

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Go Grandpa

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Simple Home Remedies

THESE REALLY WORK!!

I checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES

 BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT

 BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~

 SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,

 THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.

 REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK

WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER

 AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP

 AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH,

TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES.

THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE.

 IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40.

IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,

 YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

thanks Barnesy

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Two sea monsters were swimming around in the ocean,

 looking for something to do.

They came up underneath a ship that was hauling potatoes.

 Bob, the first sea monster, swam underneath the ship,

 tipped it over and ate everything on the ship.

A little while later, they came up to another ship,

 again hauling potatoes.

 Bob again capsizes the ship and eats everything onboard.

The third ship they found was also hauling potatoes.

 Bob once again capsized it and ate everything.

Finally his buddy Bill asked him,

 "Why do you keep tipping over those ships full of potatoes

 and eating everything on board?"

Bob replied, "I wish I hadn't, but I just can't help myself once I start.

 Everyone knows you can't eat just one potato ship." -- Stan Kegel



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I bet he won't do that again

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Join the Navy

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Modern Technology

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The bartender comes over to the man, sniffs and says,

"You smell kind of nerdy.

What do you do for a living?"

The truck driver says, "I drive a bigrig,

 and the smell is just from computers I am hauling."

The bartender says,

 "Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer.

 As he is sipping his beer,

 a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses,

 a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils,

 and a belt at least a foot too long.

The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun

and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked,

"Why did you do that?"

The bartender said,

 "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley

 and are in season now.

You don't even need a license!"

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck,

 and heads back onto the freeway.

 Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts.

 The back doors breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway.

 He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,

 grabbing up the computers.

They are all engineers, accountants and programmers

 wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load,

so, remembering what happened in the bar,

 he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away,

 felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up

 and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said,

 "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman.

 "But you can't bait 'em!"

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

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are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.