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St Patricks Day 2012
thanks Toni S
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.
Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!
Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!
Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!
Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!
Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A:St. O'Claus!
Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A:Sure, they're green with envy!
Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A:The Halfback of Notre Dame!
Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A:To keep from falling in the stew!
Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A:Sure, they're great at shorthand!
Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A:He took a shortcut!
Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A:Short ribs!
Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A:Because they're very short-tempered!
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father …”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”
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Nullabor
thanks Shane J
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Those Funny Animals
t-THtHOT---tt
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This will drive you nuts
This is really freaky!
I haven't a clue how this is done.
Just click on the Magic Gopher.
If you figure out how it works let me know
thanks Jayne M
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There is an Arab in a taxi……….
He asks the driver to turn off the radio
and explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion
for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio…….
So the driver turns off the radio,
stops the car , leans over and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him : "What are you doing?"
The driver replied :
"In the time of the prophet there were no taxis,
so get out my car and wait for a *****' camel
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watch this video of a storm on the Southern tip of Cape Horn
thanks Kitty L
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Size is relative
Size is relative
Give it a minute or so to load, then when it appears, click START.
Then click and drag the little oval slider on the bottom of the picture.
You'll go from a yoctometer (teeny tiny itsy bitsy)
to a yottometer (way bigger than ginormous) and beyond.
This demo is a mind bender!!!
thanks Liz Z
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Groaners!!
Q: Why didn't Superman know he could fly?
A: Because he didn't know his "Cape Abilities"
Q: How do you catch a rabbit?
A: Hide in a bush and make a noise like a Carrot.
Q: Why did the leper baseball pitcher retire?
A: He threw his arm out.
Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A: A Roaming Catholic
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Warning: This may result in some injury if read all the way through, so please do.
The Keeper brought in the night watch to find out why,
every day for the past week,
things had been very different the next day.
"Okay, I've got to ask you about some of these things.
What's this report I hear from the others about you messing around
in the Serengeti part of the Big Cat exhibit?"
"They're Lion!"
"And why are there more junk food items in the small primate cage?"
"Oh, they're just monkeying around."
"And why do I hear you set the fastest animal on legs loose but they didn't get very far?"
"You know that cheetah's never prosper."
"And why did all the animals in the poultry cage suddenly get scared of everything."
"They just turned chicken."
"At least they are better equipped in the reptile exhibit because of what's-her-name."
"Dr. Liz Sard."
"I just don't understand it. It seems like ever since we got those animals on loan from China,
things have been more and more crazy."
"Yes sir, It's pure Panda-monium."
The writer is not responsible for any groan injury.
Wolff Kissinger was a spy.
He was the bane of the Nazis during the war,
for although they sought him everywhere,
they were never able to lay a hand, bullet or poisoned dart on him.
The reason was that Wolff was a master of disguise.
Once he was an old flower woman,
calling out her posies in a quavery voice.
Then her bouquet exploded with a deadly cloud and Kissinger's
opposite number lay still in the street.
Wolff and his disguises ran the gamut from Oriental merchant to English
squire to Portuguese sailor to African tribesman.
There was no role he could not play to perfection.
His makeup was wondrous and his flair for dialect gifted.
Meanwhile, back at Berlin HQ,
the top brass of German Intelligence met
to see if they could set an unbeatable trap for the Allies' most
valuable underc over agent.
Despite their brilliance they had no idea at all what guise their quarry would affect next.
What was the point when he might just as easily be a Rommel aide
or Mussolini's second in command.
Sighed one of the Nazi leaders as the vexing problem was pondered,
"I wonder who's Kissinger now?"
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Wet T-Shirt Winner
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Standing in line at the clothing store's counter,
I watched as the woman ahead of me handed the clerk her credit card.
The customer waited for a long time while the saleswoman went to verify the account.
When she finally returned, the clerk said,
"I'm sorry, but this card is in your husband's name,
and we can't accept it because the records show he is deceased."
With that, the woman turned to her spouse,
who was standing next to her and asked,
"Does this mean I don't have to fix lunch for you today?"
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thanks Jayne M
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Surprise
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Strong Vaccum
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One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for a military commission:
"Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body
that is more useful when erect!"
Those who spell spine become doctors..
.the rest go to flight school...
PHILS PHILOSPHY
Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site
are understood to be in the public domain.
If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,
please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.
Good ones Phil. At the boat so I'll have to come back and steal a couple of these when I get home.
ReplyDeleteHave a terrific St. Patrick's day. :)
Haha. These are great. I love your weekly updates.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up.