488

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thanks to all those who sent me emails enquiring as to my absence of posts

hopefully things will return to normal after a hectic couple of weeks

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Daylight Saving

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Peter called his doctor's office for an appointment.

 "I'm sorry," said the receptionist,

 "we can't fit you in for at least two weeks."

"But I could be dead by then!"

"No problem. If your wife lets us know,

 we'll cancel the appointment."

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Full Monty

Those Funny Animals

beware of the cat

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 I never knew this!!

so glad i missed it

Born this way!!

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The Glasgow Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified,

 well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked..

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.

Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.

"No, I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie,

 and they went upstairs.

 After an hour, the man calmly left..

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row,

 as she was so expensive.

There were no discounts. The price was still £5000.

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

 After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

 Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,

 but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man,

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.

 Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh ."

"Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

 "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor.

 I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person..."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain...

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer

thanks Jayne M

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Sporting Bloopers

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A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out,
Crisco,Crissssssscoooo!'
Soon an assistant manager approaches and says
, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'
The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff.
 I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'
The clerk is astonished.
'Your wife's name is Crisco?'
The old guy answers,
 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public'
'I see,' said the clerk.
'What do you call her at home?'
'Lard ass.'

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Forever Alone

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thanks Kitty L

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how to fail a breathalyser



Good Parents

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Wal-Mart

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the good life

A buddy of mine works in an office where a computer going down causes quite an inconvenience.

Recently, one of the computers not only crashed,

 it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror.

 "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

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Phils Philosophy