492

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All I Need To Learn About Life I Learned From The Easter Bunny

- Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

- Walk softly and carry a big carrot.

- Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

- There's no such thing as too much candy.

- All work and no play can make you a basket case.

- A cute little tail attracts a lot of attention.

- Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

- Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

- Some body parts should be floppy.

- Keep you paws off other people's jellybeans.

- Good things come in small-sugarcoated packages.

- The grass is greener in someone else's basket.

- An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare.

- To show your true colors you have to come out of the shell.

- The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

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Those Funny Animals

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According to the Knight-Ridder News Service,

 the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior

 to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated,

 "Wash. Biol. Surv."

 until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

"Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds.

 I think it was a crow

. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag

 and I want to tell you it was horrible."

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thanks Liz Z

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Bill Cosby

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In Church

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Oh No!!!!



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Just click on where you think the city is and the plane will land there,

then it will show where the city actually is!!

 Good luck !!

Take the 'Pilot's' test below.

Warning - it can become addictive!

click on to the following site it will certainly check out your geography knowledge.

http://www.lufthansa-usa.com/useugame2007/html/play.html

thanks Jayne M

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China has recently established a new record in building suspension bridges.

The world’s highest and longest tunnel-to-tunnel suspension bridge was opened to traffic in March.

 Aizhai Bridge in Hunan province is 336 m (1,102 ft.) high

and has a 1,176 m (3,858 ft.) span.

 It connects two traffic tunnels in the mountains,

cutting the time needed to traverse the canyon beyond it from 30 minutes to 1.

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ONE TOO MANY EMAILS...

Well, it finally happened . . .

I've sent so many e-mails that my cursor overheated.

Check it out for yourself.

This is what happens when you overuse your mouse.

Click

 HERE

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Yikes!!!

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Framed

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A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day

when the little baby tomato started lagging behind.

The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato,

 stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste,

and says, "Ketchup!"



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very clever dogs

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SIGNS

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Forget pitch and putt --

 this tee-off point on top of a 1,410 ft. mountain in South Africa

is the hardest golf shot in the world,

 and more than $1 million awaits the player who can score a hole in one.

Players must take a helicopter to the top to play the longest and highest par three on the planet.

Taking the shot also requires courage.

 A player needs to teeter terrifyingly close to the edge of the mammoth hillside.

Indeed, the Extreme 19th Hole is so high the ball takes almost 30 seconds to reach the ground.

Channel Nine cricket commentator Mark Nicholas recently played the hole.

"It was awesome, riveting and phenomenal," he said,

 "it's like the end of the world when you get up there and it's an awful lot of fun.

 It's such an adrenaline rush taking the helicopter up and then rushing back down."

The hole is based at the Legends Golf and Safari Resort,

within the Entabeni Safari Conservancy in South Africa 's Northeastern Limpopo Province .

The other 18 holes were designed by world golfing legends including

Trevor Immelman, Sergio Garcia, Padraig Harrington and Australia 's Robert Allenby.

A round of golf - including a buggy and lunch -

 will set you back R450 ($70)

. The Extreme 19th costs is $1060 per foursome, which includes the helicopter ride,

 souvenir cap, glove, and a DVD of you playing the hole.

So far, no one has even come close pocketing the million-dollar prize,

 but Harrington became the first golfer to conquer the hole within par.

 Harrington said,

 "This is the type of innovation and excitement we need to get more people playing golf.

There aren't many new innovative ways to play the game but this is certainly one of the best.

 I think this hole is awesome. I love the whole experience,

 the helicopter, the views, the drama and having the green the shape of Africa ..

And now I've got bragging rights over all the other professionals

who have played this hole and not managed to make a three. I love everything about it."

thanks Wayne W

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While conducting some business at the Courthouse,

 I overheard a lady who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician say,

 "Your Honor I'm guilty but...

..there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said sarcastically,

 "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I

 did, too, soooo……

 I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment which I actually kept.

 I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear

 and she tilted her head to one side and crooned,

 "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here,

strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.

 Everything clear?"

I'm thinking , "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

 Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said,

 "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

“Fine!” I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air,

 so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off?

 My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity

 (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass)

when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness…the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag."

Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said,

 "Oh you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.

 I'll be right back."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared.

 And that's exactly how Bubba and Henry,

 "Maintenance Men Extraordinaire" found me..

.half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life

 and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi how's it going type greeting,

 Bubba (or possibly Henry) asked to my utter disbelief if I knew the power was off.

 Trying to disguise my hysteria I replied with as much calmness as possible

 "Uh , yes I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye

 as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin.

Making no attempt to suppress her amusement she said,

 "Oh I am sooo sorry!

 The power came back on and I totally forgot about you!

 And silly me, I went to lunch.

Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed".

thanks Kitty L

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Classic Car

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Every four years we are forced to watch politicians pandering to every conceivable group in hopes of winning an election, and unfortunately they see things differently than average folks.



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Uses for your IPhone

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I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar.

They both had strange accents so I said

"Hello Are you two girls from Scotland?"

One of them screamed "Its WALES you  idiot!"

So I immediately apologised and said

 "Sorry are you two whales from Scotland?"

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

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Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.