493

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Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

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Two female amoebas started to divide,

 and soon one of them accused the other of stealing one of her digits.

 She said, "That's my toe, sis."

======================

I just said to my friend,

 "Will you stop sending me jokes by mail!

"He said, "Why?"

I said, "I don't get them."

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Shirt Happens

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A RETRO LOOK AT THE PAST (FUN PICTURES)

Click on the link below (Retro Life) to enjoy some pictures from the

                                                                      Retro Life

thanks Kitty L

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Those Funny Animals

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A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

 The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says,

 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60;

perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:

 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket,

 the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says,

 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did

or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for theillegal radar detector unit,

the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,

 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.

That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on,

 but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on.

 You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket,

 the driver turns to his wife and barks,

'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,

 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)

'Only when he's been drinking.!!

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Fraser

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At the Duplex

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Global Warming

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Drama..!!!

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Super Size me

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something for you

                                      Click here: The Chicken!

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Ladies - If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking,

drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix-me-up.

Real Women - If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad.

 Please recite with me,

 The Real Women's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes."

Ladies - Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.

 The throbbing will go away.

Real Women - Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink.

 You might still have the headache, but who cares?

Ladies - Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Real Women - Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake.

 You are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

Ladies - To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Real Women - Buy boxed mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Ladies - Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

 Real Women - Sara Lee frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust,

 so I just don't do it.

And finally the most important tip....

Ladies - When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan,

 use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the inside of the cake.

Real Women - Go to the bakery -- they'll even decorate it for you.

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Paths and Roads of the world

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Dog tricks

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Some more signs

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Nina: "Oh Rosey. This new guy I'm dating is sooooo romantic.

 Everytime he speaks to me, he starts with, 'Fair Lady'."

Rosey: "Romantic my ass!

 Don't you know he used to be a bus driver."

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Doug goes to a doctor and says:

"Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice.

 What should I do to help her get it back?"

The doctor replies,

 "Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"

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John asked a waiter once if the ice cream was pure.

 He replied, "Aspure as the girl of your dreams."

John said, "Oh! Well, bring me some sherbet instead then."

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Birds

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A family owned a tomcat, of whom it was normally quite fond.

 Quite often, however, the cat would get out at night

 and go around the neighborhood howling and screeching and meowing

so loudly that people would complain.

So the family took the tom to a vet and had him fixed.

A few nights later, though, the cat was out again,

 and this time he was making even more noise than usual.

 Not only that, but a lot of other cats were howling and yelling, too.

 The father of the house went out to see what was going on.

 He caught the cat's attention and asked,

"What are you doing?

You're supposed to be over all this."

"Oh," replied the cat, "He who can, DOES; he who cannot, TEACHES

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

Disclaimer

All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.