517

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an interview with Michael Caine

 



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Those Funny Animals

 

 

 

 

Dog and Marshmellow







thanks Kitty L

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When it came time for Herb and Lucille to be the hosts, Lucille wanted to outdo all the others. She decided to have mushroom-smothered steak, but because the mushrooms were so expensive, she told Herb, "No mushrooms. They are too high." 

 

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed." 

 She said, "No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous." 

He said, "Well, I see varmints eating them, and they're OK." 

So Lucille decided to give it a try. The next morning she picked a bunch, cleaned and sliced them for her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol' Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol' Spot ate every bite. 

All morning long, Lucille watched Ol' Spot, and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. 

The meal that evening was a great success. Lucille had even hired a lady from town to help her serve. After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played '42' and dominoes. 

About then, the helper lady came in and whispered in Lucille's ear, "Mrs. Williams, Ol' Spot is dead." 

 

Lucille went into hysterics. Finally, she calmed down enough to call the doctor and tell him what had happened. 

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quickly as possible. We'll give everyone enemas, and we'll pump out everyone's stomach.. Everything will be fine. Just keep everyone calm." 

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. 

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach. 

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now," and he left. 

They were all sitting around the living room, looking pretty weak, when the helper lady came in and whispered to Lucille, "You know, that fellow that run over Ol' Spot never even stopped.'

 



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Topical

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There are many scams out there, but the famous African banking scam is not a scam, it is legit.

I recently got an email from an African country called, "Wanagetyu."
I couldn't find it on a map, but they assure me that it is between "Yerskrood" and "Weelgetyurmuny."

I sent them my bank account number and I'm about to become rich!
I'm so excited!

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Cool Optical Illusions

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Ouch!!

it hurt to watch some of these face plants

 



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They said I could be antyhing??

 

 

 

 

 

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It was the final exam for the school’s champion Half-Back. Not the greatest student he knew he had scraped almost enough passes in his previous exams for the scholarship to the College of his choice. The College which would give him the chance to move on to the Major Leagues.

This was the Maths exam which would determine his future.

He handled the simple Geometry and had even known some of the Algebra but the Trigonometry and Binomials had floored him. Even so he felt he had almost enough marks to pass providing he could get the final question.

That was when he realised he was going to fail. He read the last question — ‘Describe a method for determining the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter’.

The student realised the answer was beyond his skills and he left the classroom knowing that he had not passed and that his chances of a college scholarship, and an NFL career were gone.

Frustrated, he went to his car, found a pistol and fired a round through the window of the math teacher’s office. No one was hurt.

When the police arrived they asked the math teacher if she had any idea what might have prompted the attack.

“Yes”, she said, “I believe it was a derive pi shooting.”

 stolen from Archies Archives

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The first expedition to Alpha Centauri had finally returned. The leader of the expedition, Captain Feghoot, was making his report to his superior.

“So, Feghoot, did you find any indigenous life?”

“Yes sir. Intelligent life, in fact. And what’s more, they were almost completely identical to humans, except for one thing.”

“Almost? What do you mean?”

“Well sir, they have one less joint in their arms.”

“I see. So, I suppose you could say that…”

“Yes sir, The natives are wristless.”

 stolen from Archies Archives

 

 

 

 

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Lawyers

 

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

 thanks Toni S

 

 

 

 

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thanks Kitty L

 

 

 

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If you were around when this was a hit

Then your as old as me.....

 



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Seniors

 

 

 

What happens when men end up in a rest home



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My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa. She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war. “We were in love,” she recalled, “and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was.”

“Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?” I asked.

“Oh, I didn’t marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman.”

 

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CLICK THE DOG

Or the above link

I got 8!!

This Weeks Signs

 

 

 

 

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Britains got talent

thanks Gordon H

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thanks Toni S

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Teacher asks the kids in class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Lil’ Johnny: “I Wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best girl , give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day”.

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson:

And you, Tanya?

” I wanna be Lil’ Johnny’s girl!”

 

 

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A collection of car pictures

 

 

 

 

How to crash land a Boeing 727

 



 

 

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Poster Fun

 

 

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PHILS PHILOSOPHY

 



Disclaimer
All posts, jokes, stories, cartoons, photos and videos on this site

are understood to be in the public domain.

If you hold the copyright to any of them and would like me to remove them,

please contact Phil at philco@iinet.net.au.